SPORTS, RELIGION

Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach Andy Reid Sacrificed Son For Super Bowl Ring

Gen 20:13–21: The Binding of Britt

Andy Reid was in shambles.

The year was 2016. It was his 4th season with the Kansas City Chiefs. They finished with the best record in franchise history: 12–4. It was the first time Andy led the team to the top of the AFC West. However, they lost in the divisional game.

Flustered, Andy took his cheeseburgers to the local Mormon church. He nibbled on a delicious In-N-Out burger, trying to remember the last time he took a night off like this. The year was 2015. It was his 3rd season with the Kansas City Chiefs. For the 3rd time in the row, Andy took them to a winning record. But they still finished 2nd in the AFC West, underneath the Denver Broncos. After getting knocked out of the wild-card game, Andy went to pray to God, begging the Lord to make the Chiefs the best in the AFC West. God heard Andy and granted his wish by convincing Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning to retire.

Now in 2016, Andy put his cheeseburgers aside and got on two knees. He clenched his fists, closed his eyes, and prayed.

“God, thank you for all your help for this year’s success. I am indebted to your goodwill. But as a human, I desire more. And nothing will please me more than a Super Bowl. If you’re hearing this, I beg of you, please help me get a ring for the Chiefs.”

God was eager to help his devoted student but felt it was too soon to give Andy another gift. After Tim Tebow constantly misused The Lord’s gifts in the playoffs, God was reluctant to repeat the same mistake. Plus, God wasn’t sure if Andy was truly committed to his faith.

And it came to pass that God tested Andy and said to him, “Andy.”

“Here I am,” Andy responded.

God said, “Take, I beg of you, your only son whom you love to talk football with, Britt, and get yourself to the land of Angels and offer him on one of the letters of the Hollywood sign.”

So Andy did as he was told, journeying with his wood for the offering and with his son to the place that God had told him. On the third day, Andy and Britt took the wood for the offering, some fire and a tomahawk. So they went, both of them, together.

Britt spoke to his father, Andy, “My father!”

Andy said, “Here I am, my son.”

“Here is the fire and the wood, but where is the bronco for the offering?” asked Britt.

“God will see that we have a bronco for the offering, my son.” They came to the place of which God had spoken, and Andy built the altar and arranged the wood. He bound Britt and placed him on the altar upon the wood. Andy stretched forth his hand and took the tomahawk to slaughter his son. Suddenly, an angel of God called to him from heaven and said, “Andy! Andy!”

“Here I am!” said Andy. And God said, “Do not stretch your hand toward the lad, nor do the slightest thing to him, for now, I know that you are God-fearing and did not withhold from Me.”

Andy lifted up his eyes and looked and lo! There was a single ram caught by its horns in the dense underbrush, with the words LA scribed between its horns. Andy went over, took the ram, and offered it up as an offering in place of his son Britt. Andy named this place, “Ram’s Football Stadium.”

An angel of God called to Andy a second time out of heaven and said, “By Myself have I sworn, says God, because you have done this thing and not withheld from Me your sons, your only sons, that I will bless you without fail, and without fail multiply your descendants as the stars in heaven and as the sand that is on the seashore, and your seed shall inherit the gate of its enemies. And all the nations of the earth shall bless themselves through your seed, as a consequence of your having hearkened to My voice.”

Then Andy and Britt returned to Kansas City.

The Binding of Britt sparked an incredible reversal of fortunes. In 2017, The Chiefs drafted superstar quarterback Patrick Mahomes. In 2019, the Chiefs and Andy Reid won their first Super Bowl ring.

However, this didn’t satisfy Britt Reid. After hearing his father’s story, Britt went to church in 2021 and prayed for a head coaching job in the NFL. God was weary of more demands, and told Britt to offer an animal for sacrifice if he was serious. Britt was planning on offering a goat, but didn’t know how to sacrifice Tom Brady without getting arrested. He decided to offer the 5-year old victim of his drunk driving. God was disgusted at Britt for his immoral, classless attempt, and banished Britt to consistent media scrutiny and jail. We asked the Lord why he thought taking Britt’s life wasn’t an acceptable punishment for a drunk driver. God shrugged, “I work in mysterious ways.”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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