POLITICS, TECHNOLOGY
Josh Hawley Endorses TikTok After the App Called Him a Pedophile
Tyranny of big tech
A Republican flip-flopping his/her stance? Who could have seen that coming?
While the GOP vows to defund the police/FBI after their raid on Donald Trump, Republican Senator Josh Hawley is ignoring his anti-Big Tech book to support TikTok.
“I stated Big Tech threatens American liberty. They silence conservatives by making our statements more available to liberals. The snowflake collective can gang up on us poor rednecks and silence us for promoting Alabama incest.
“I got flack for stating the truth. I pointed that Twitter and TikTok are censoring lies and misinformation. Turns out I was incorrect. Twitter and TikTok aren’t considered Big Tech. So why are people still using them instead of Parler? Or Truth Social?
“Why are liberal social media more popular? Is it because Truth Social scams their engineers? Is it because Big Tech pays talented engineers well? How DARE liberals prioritize capitalism over freedom! Yes, I know we Republicans are hypocrites for trying to stop Medicare from giving people affordable healthcare.
“But we are an exception because we base our platform on greed and power. Liberals can’t do this because they care about the people!
“Congress needs to step in to compensate for Republicans’ shitty products. Democrats are hoarding all the talent to build products to silence us! Big Tech is monopolizing the Constitution!”
Hawley paused to catch his breath. He later continued.
“That being said, TikTok has changed my mind. I’ve seen a trend on this app where students are anonymously posting videos of teachers and faculty they think are pedos. Students are now ruining teachers lives by shaming them for ‘child sex assault,” forcing these innocent teachers to resign. Who’s gonna protect these mini Elon Musks when school shooters arrive in their buildings?
“I caught TikTok calling ME a pedophile! Students say that my tiny hand making a fist during the Capitol Riot is similar to how pedos penetrate buttholes of little boys.
“For the 69th time, I was NOT supporting pedophiles, I was supporting Nazis! I was supporting the lesser of two evils!
Hawly shook his head
“I’m shocked that THAT’s what it took to call me a pedo. I’ve publicly apologized for holding my GOP pedophile colleagues accountable.
“They could have used that instead of misconstruing my Nazi gesture! Teenagers are idiots.
“However, this TikTok trend bodes well for my campaign. I’m trying to attract the pedophile market, as they represent true Republican values. With this social media campaign, these conservatives will vote for me to represent their child fucking desires.
“I apologize to TikTok for trying to take them down, for they are the only Big Tech company that makes Republicans heard.”
We were alarmed that TikTok would let this pedo abuse continue. We reached out to TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew to address this cyberbullying campaign. Chew stated.
“We are not a world news media company. We are a for-profit business. Our goal isn’t to make the world better. Our goal is to get more users to spend more time on our product. With more users, we collect more data. We now know all the secrets and kinks of Americans! This potential blackmail will help China become the #1 global superpower!
“Furthermore, I don’t see an issue with this. Didn’t America’s Supreme Court legalize child pornography?
“If so, then what’s wrong with being labeled a pedophile?
“If anything, we could bring more users into our app by distributing child porn on TikTok in USA! Pedophiles will be satisfied. Teenagers will finally learn how to correctly have sex. China gets more money from Americans. It’s a win-win-win for everyone!”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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