POLITICS
Donald Trump Blames Last Year’s Capitol Riot Terrorism on His Loyal Participants
It’s a Hanukkah miracle!
This is the closest we’ll ever get to a narcissist admitting the truth. Even if he avoids accountability by throwing all his supporters under the bus.
Donald Trump was ordered to attend the Capitol Riot Hearing. We were surprised that the hearing was still ongoing a year and nine months after. We haven’t seen a task completed with such inefficiency since Barcelona “finished” construction of La Sagrada Familia.
To our surprise, Trump agreed to attend. He furthermore admitted that he told his supporters to violently storm the capitol.
“Yea, I told them to use any means necessary to overthrow democracy. Are you that surprised? I even tried to terminate the Constitution! Democracy is beneath me!
“But hear me out. These same people elected me after I said I grab women by the pussy and that Mexico sends their rapists over here. Did they not think that I could be one of those bad Mexican hombres?
“Think about it. I grab women by the pussy, so of course I am a rapist. My skin is as orange as the tiles the Mexicans used for their homes. I went bankrupt running for politics and tarnished my glorious image just so I can be the voice of the white nationalistic minority. Promoting white supremacy is a job that no one else wanted to do. But I was willing to do a hated job! That means I’m Mexican!
“Why did my supporters not question a bad Mexican hombre running for president in 2016? Why did they not ask for my birth certificate? I gave them the blueprint to do so!
“These people are so stupid that they voted ME for president. I’m not a politician. I’m an entertainer. I wasn’t supposed to BE president! I ran as a JOKE! I did it to own the liberals! I didn’t think I would actually get ELECTED!”
Trump shook his head.
“Look, I know I said that illegal Mexican immigrants are rapists. But I was JOKING! I meant nothing of it! I shouldn’t have become president because of that comment. But I did. So everyone who elected me KNEW I was joking.
“Now, they’re saying I was telling the truth when I told them to storm the capitol? Why are they saying I was credible when I falsely said that the election was stolen?
“At no point in time should they have taken ANY of my words seriously. Come on. Do I look like I’m good at my job? I spent my days golfing and tweeting conspiracy theories. I went on secret trips to get attention from my mother Vladimir Putin.
“Why do these MAGAmorons think I’m their savior? That I’m supposed to save this world from pedophiles? Why would I do that when I slept with my daughter when she was 14? I got rich not by screwing myself over. I got rich by screwing others over!
“Furthermore, my supporters are pedophiles too! Even a candidate I endorsed, Randy Gene Kauffman, was caught masturbating near a preschool! I fight against pedophilia, I screw my chance to get famous and rich.”
Trump facepalmed.
“I don’t understand these morons. I just gave them a lie that the election was stolen. A lie that voter fraud exists. And they went and stormed the Capitol! Do these sheep not think for themselves??? If they would blindly follow what I said, I would have told them to give me their life savings so they can reach heaven! I could finally pay off my debts to Russia.”
Trump then turned to the camera to address his supporters.
“To all my subjects. Listen up, for Trump’s sake!
“You all did this! Not me! I didn’t do any of this. You all stormed the capitol, killed officers, and threatened our congressmen. Even Republican Senator Josh Hawley was running away in fear. Even Republican Senator Lindsey Graham told the police to open fire on you losers!
“THINK, morons! If we didn’t feel that you all were threatening Americans, then why didn’t I pardon you all when I was still in office? I chose to pardon black rappers like Lil Wayne and Kodak Black over you white supremacists!
“You guys don’t want to grow up and take accountability. You guys just want to have your feelings validated. That you are special in this world just because you exist. You are so emotionally challenged that you went along with a little white lie I told because it made you feel good. You are the real snowflakes.”
Trump sighed.
“What am I doing? You guys never listen to reason and logic. You just want to believe in a made up fantasy. That you are martyrs in a world where your lives are trivial. Heck, you probably won’t believe any of the words that I said. You think that ANTIFA is pointing a gun at my head off camera, and I’m forced to read a script they wrote?
“Well. You’re not wrong. You all wouldn’t give me money for my 2024 presidential campaign. I was forced to beg the satanic liberals for help to beat Ron DeSantis in the GOP.
“The Democratic Party stated they would give me some money if I attend my subpoena and ratted you all out for ruining democracy.”
Trump shrugged.
“Whatever. I’ve done my part. I got my money. But I won’t leave you all empty handed. I’ve decided to be a God of mercy.
“In exchange for your troubles, I’ll tell you who the real culprit of the riot is. One of my supporters, Ray Epps, was at the capitol during the coup. He didn’t storm with you all, but he wasn’t arrested. He was trying to deescalate the violence between protesters and police.
“Now, I don’t know about you. But to me, this just screams like he was an FBI spy. Epps forced you all to take the fall and make you look bad. If anything, Epps caused the riot.
“The choice is yours, my fellow subjects. Do you want to believe the truth and take the red pill? That you are emotionally immature? Or do you want to take the blue pill and believe that Epps orchestrated this?”
Famous conservative figures Tucker Carlson and Raphael Edward Cruz swallowed the blue pill to regain MAGA’s support. Ashamed to admit they threw away their lives for a meaningless cause, MAGA morons swallowed the blue pill to save face.
We reached out to Epps, who regretted supporting Trump’s lies only to be back-stabbed. Epps received so many death threats from MAGA morons that he sold his business and home to go into hiding. Epps reached out to a Republican Party supporter to assist in him hiding from the world: al-Qaeda.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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This is part of Dr. Funny’s campaign to blast Trump on December 18, 2022.
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