POLITICS
Raphael Edward Cruz Shares Nudes of Hunter Biden as Revenge for the Liberal Not Sleeping With Cruz’s Wife
“NOBODY LEAVES MY HOUSE WITHOUT MAKING LOVE TO MY WIFE!”
This is the first time America has a conservative male obsessing over a male daily.
For Iran, this is a typical Tuesday.
While Iran would promote crimes against humanity to cover up their homosexual desires, America has made no attempt to cover up theirs.
With voter fraud and QAnon no longer believable, the GOP turned to another topic to bring their party back to relevance; Hunter Biden.
Even though there’s no evidence that Biden acted corruptly with Ukraine on his laptop, Republicans will talk nonstop about him. Fox News spent every 5 minutes sharing a nude of the president’s son, vowing that his scantily clad photos are precursors for many violent acts yet to come. We somewhat understand this reasoning, for we live in a world where porn stars built “lethal” weapons for Senator Leeland Yee to sell to Islamic terrorists.
We reached out to GOP Chair Ronna McDaniel to ask why old GOP boomers are obsessing over a middle-aged man just as much as James Charles obsesses over 16-year-old boys. McDaniel smirked.
“We’re running out of excuses to deflect the public from our crimes. All our claims have been proven false. If our supporters see Biden’s nudes, they’ll think it’s a matter of time till he poisons the water supply and burns our crops!
“This is a reach. But we’ve been committing crimes left and right
- Tax fraud to fund our campaigns.
- Lying about our job qualifications.
- Masturbating near a preschool.
- Sexually abusing children.
“We have to distract the public from finding out that the GOP is fucked up! This includes Senator Raphael Edward Cruz sharing Biden’s nudes without consent.”
We reached out to Senator Cruz on why he engaged in revenge porn. Did he share Biden’s nudes without consent just to hide his cuckold fetish?
Cruz scoffed.
“Me? Hiding my sins? The political climate has changed! Our supporters WANT us to be sexually aggressive, corrupt, greedy, abusive, and downright weird! They just hated us for keeping our desires in private. That’s why they elected Donald Trump as president!
“No, I didn’t try to deflect the public of my weird kink. I did it as revenge for Biden turning down my wife.”
Cruz shook his head in awe.
“Have you seen those photos of naked Hunter? His laptop is full of pictures of his massive dong! I can’t believe descendants of Sleepy Joe would be as well-endowed as black men! No wonder President Barrack Obama chose Joe Biden as his Vice President!
“Oh my goodness! How did he get such a huge cock? Did he follow the Liver King’s advice and use ivermectin?
“I yearned for his schlong penetrating my wife’s cunt. However, my admiration turned to anger when I saw so many beautiful women in Hunter’s photos. Why isn’t my wife among them?
“Is my wife not good looking enough? Is she not beautiful? HOW DARE you insult my wife! We had the grace to invite Hunter over to our house for dinner, and he couldn’t give me the courtesy of licking her clit?
“As a Christian, I’m disgusted at Hunter’s sins. Jesus told us to love thy neighbor as thyself. So why isn’t Hunter loving my wife the same way he loves his other neighbors of the night?”
Cruz slammed his fists.
“Yes, I’m sharing revenge porn. Let’s be real. This isn’t the first time I’ve shared porn on my social media.
“Furthermore, Hunter deserved it! How dare he ruins my family! Even my teenage daughter attempted suicide because he didn’t fuck her mother! Yes, I know she did so because she’s bisexual and I voted against her rights. But I’m a conservative. I make shit up to fuel my agenda of power and cuckolding!”
Cruz muttered under his breath.
“Damn. Why did my daughter try to kill herself? She’s hurt all her family members and, most importantly, my political career! She should have attempted suicide next year when it won’t affect me!
“Now the libtards will use this to smear my compassion. How can I be evil when I welcome all men to satisfy my wife in bed?”
Cruz then cried.
“Why won’t Hunter return my phone calls? Is he still angry about me sharing his revenge porn?
“Does Hunter want money? I’ll gladly give him money. I gave Lauren Boebert money and a political career in exchange for sex¹. I can give Hunter Biden money and a removal of his laptop in exchange for sex with my wife.”
We asked Cruz why he won’t find someone else to help satisfy his cuckolding fetish. Surely, there are other men who would willingly grab his wife by the pussy.
Cruz shook his head.
“I tried with Trump. The man called my father a JFK assassin and me a liar! These insults forced me to give him my wife. Trump refused because he thought she was too ugly.
“I can accept a glorious MAGA leader to give his penis to women of higher quality. My wife may be a Goldman Sachs managing director and Harvard alum, but she is nothing compared to a brainless model like Melania or a big titty porn star like Stormy Daniels.
“But now, a LIBERAL turns down my wife? A liberal is the worst kind of scum on the planet. He/she is worse than a 9/11 terrorist! A terrorist will at least publicly support the GOP!
“If the most depraved kind of human turned down my wife’s pussy, then my wife must be even worse! Did I make a mistake in marrying her?
Cruz paused. Then clenched his fists.
“No, I can’t. The liberals are obviously playing mind games with me. I’ll get back of them for their deceit! I’ll release more Hunter Biden porn videos until he shags my wife!”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
#1: This theory was proven false. Regrettably. It was made up by a Democratic super PAC.
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