HEALTH, FITNESS
Liver King Returns With A New Scam That Promotes Ivermectin To Achieve A Massive Penis Within 2 Hours
Horse Cock Growth Stock
Snake oil salesmen never disappear. They just re-emerge with more attractive scams.
Fitness instructor Brian Johnson, otherwise known as the Liver King, resurfaced with another wacky idea to improve the human body. The ‘primal living guru’ was criticized for promoting an ‘ancestral’ seafood diet to achieve insane muscle growth. By seafood, we mean anything that looks somewhat edible. Raw liver, bone marrow, testicles, eyeballs, etc. If you see food, you eat it.
After wolfing down his 15th bull penis, a nutritionist discovered that he wasn’t getting any new muscle. He later exposed Johnson’s emails where the guru requested steroids as part of his regiment. Ashamed for being caught in his lie, Johnson admitted that he made up his diet so the world wouldn’t judge him for his love of gorilla gonads.
Johnson scammed so many of his subscribers through his seafood diet that Sam Bankman-Fried tried to turn this into a crypto exchange platform. For 2 ETH, you can get a full elephant vagina. MAGAmorons are now trying to sell their Trump NFTs just so they can purchase this new sex toy to fuck a GOP icon.
After 1 month of hiding, Johnson reemerged with a different product. We turned into his informercial to see the next bird-brained idea he pitched.
“Hi, I’m the Liver King. Before I begin, I need to get this off my chemically-induced chest.
“The reason why I lied about my steroid usage was because I wanted to help out males. This is an extremely lonely time to be a male. I haven’t seen a man this unhappy since he started Justin Jefferson in his fantasy football championship.
“More good men are judged harsher than before. Especially on dating. Ladies turn their back on good, decent men because they chase for the elite. Why settle for average when your George Clooney is potentially 10 swipes away? Doesn’t matter if Clooney is married. After all, nobody is perfect.
“I see all the ladies chasing the Brad Pitt looking millionaire who’s built like a porn star. 90% of men are just left alone with no chance of love. Why should they be deprived of happiness in this new age of technology? I know I lied about my ‘ancestal’ diet, but I wanted to help these lonely men achieve this impossible body that women chase after. My heart was in the right place, even though my brain wasn’t.
“How can I be evil when I want to help people? I know that therapy and techniques will help men boost their self-esteem, but they’ll still get overlooked. What’s the point of feeling good about yourself if you’re not dating a smoking hot model? If you want that model, you need to be good looking and ripped. Hedonism and beautiful women are what makes life worth living.
“That’s why I’m promoting a new way to improve your penis size. No, it’s not Viagra. No, you don’t have to inject steroids into your cock veins. No, you don’t have to eat equestrian penis to get a horse-size dick.
“I’m promoting a state-of-the-art drug called ivermectin. This drug is a horse dewormer. I took it originally to combat COVID. I still got COVID, but I got a massive cock. My wife is pleased that I’m now hung like a horse. Even if I gas out after 20 seconds in bed due to COVID lung damage.
“Why am I promoting a horse drug? If I want a horse cock, I’ll take a drug that horses use. I’ll become a horse and my cock size grows naturally.
“Taking ivermectin is the true way of our ancestors. We should go back to our roots of pulling 100 lb goods for 10 miles daily. We should adhere to a diet of non-processed chemicals and earthly foods, such as hey. The greatest achievement of man is to do things that horses can do.
“No, I’m not being paid by Merk to promote this drug. Else, I would try selling this to everyone. Ladies will not benefit from ivermectin. They’ll end up with a huge horse vagina that stretches to their throat. No man will be able to satisfy them.
“As for the lonely men, come join me and follow my latest ancestral tenet. In no time, you’ll be hitting golf balls with no clubs.”
Johnson’s new snake oil campaign skyrocketed the demand for this dewormer. Martin Shkreli tried to buy the patent from Merk just so he can hike up the ivermectin price from $19 to $1900. Brandon [formerly Donald] Trump tried to hoard all the ivermectin himself just so he can have a dick big enough to sexually assault women.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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