avatarEllie Salvaje

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s To Arrest Evangelical Christians</h2> <div><h3>Utah gold rush</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*1s3zxzn1Exx7rZXQ)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="f369">Scott’s fears were quelled when she stumbled upon a Parler Christian message board. Evangelists posted how much they hated Caviezel.</p><ul><li>“Caviezel is boring. He’s neither hypocritical, nor fragile. He stays true to the outdated rules of the Bible. Why on earth is he not deviating from the norm? How dare he takes away our joy of making fun of religious conservativers?”</li><li>“After Caviezel came out as pro-life, I challenged him to adopt a child who is completely different from him. Preferably a minority with significant disabilities. I didn’t think he’d actually go through with it. Not once. Not twice. THRICE! This motherfucker adopts <a href="https://churchleaders.com/pastors/321849-refreshing-stories-on-jim-caviezel-that-will-strengthen-your-faith.html">THREE Chinese kids who battled cancer</a>. This doesn’t bode well for my pro-choice argument. Fuck this dude for practicing what he preaches!”</li><li>“I’m trying to find videos of Caviezel becoming a religious lunatic like Kirk Cameron. Instead, I’m finding him preaching good values of Christianity. Family support, faith in Jesus, love and respect in Hollywood, abstinence, no consumption of drugs or liquor. This man is too perfect! I hate being around someone who makes me look like a monster!”</li><li>“Caviezel is a celebrity in Hollywood! He’s insanely good looking! He could be dating supermodels! He could be making out and having sex scenes with Jennifer Lopez and all the hot babes on camera! Instead, he turns them all down out of loyalty and respect for his average-looking wife of 25 years. <b>25 years? </b>That’s <b>125 times</b> the length of Kim Kardashian’s first marriage! What kind of a sicko doesn’t give into these temptations and divorce his wife?”</li><li>“Why is Caviezel telling us Christians to be accountable for our actions? He supports the discredited QAnon conspiracy theory, but also slams the Vatican Church for covering up child abuse. Does he really want to protect children from pedophiles? We’re just using QAnon to cover up our illegal sexual desires. How dare Caviezel tries to remove our leader Matt Gaetz from political power!”</li></ul><div id="5bbf" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/scooby-doo-gang-unveils-qanon-ring-leader-as-matt-gaetz-10391db596ff"> <div> <div> <h2>Scooby-Doo Gang Unveils QAnon Ring Leader As Matt Gaetz</h2> <div><h3>NOTE: This draft was finalized in April, but I held off on publishing it until now. Since then, another author beat me…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*zxpbG-L_dq8HKjnNpzrdIQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="aa4b">Caviezel conducted himself exactly what Jesus Christ instructed his followers to behave as. Despite this, Evangalists hated how insecure they felt when being compared to him. Scott was amazed.</p><blockquote id="7807"><p><i>“Evangelists don’t want to follow Christ’s teachings. They just want to hide their sins behind their public image. They care way too much about what people think of them.</i></p></blockquote><blockquote id="d025"><p><i>“They could learn a thing or two from witnessing Caviezel. Instead, they hate him for making them feel guilty about not practicing Jesus’s teachings. I’m still shocked that they want to see this pure human dead. People really think actors contribute little to society?</i></p></blockquote><blockquote id="89ee"><p><i>“Now, we just need to raid Mel Gibson’s wardrobe. Find any Jesus Christ robes and wigs. We need to kidnap Caviezel, dress him up, and crucify him. Evangelists will tune in to watch, eager to finally commit hypocrisy without feeling guilty.”</i></p></blockquote><p id="c9a5">Scott reached out to top Republican sponsor, al-Qaeda, to see if they can stage a kidnapping.</p><div id="8c94" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/al-qaeda-expresses-public-endorsement-for-the-republican-party-eb165a028c3b"> <div> <div> <h2>Al-Qaeda Expresses Public Endorsement for the Republican Party</h2> <div><h3>World-known terrorist organization Al-Qaeda usually operates hidden. They slither within the shadows. Today, they…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div>

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    </div><p id="fb08">However, al-Qaeda no longer used their designated number 1–800-TERRORS. The organization cut off their presence after being harassed by left extremists for retaking Kabul.</p><p id="530f">Scott instead reached out to a person she thought represented those terrorists: Democrat Congresswoman Ilhan Omar. Disgusted at Scott’s racism, Omar notified FBI Chief Christopher Wray about these plans. Wray gathered his team and quickly arrested Scott for working with the terrorists.</p><p id="6e6f">We reached out to Wray for a comment. Wray smirked.</p><blockquote id="a84f"><p><i>“Scott probably would have harmed Caviezel if she reached out to porn stars instead. Using adult entertainers for terror almost worked for former Democrat politician Leland Yee.”</i></p></blockquote><div id="c4ff" class="link-block">
      <a href="https://readmedium.com/adult-entertainment-stars-caught-manufacturing-weapons-for-liberal-terrorist-leland-yee-692ddfb2c7ef">
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            <h2>Adult Entertainment Stars Caught Manufacturing Weapons For Liberal Terrorist Leland Yee</h2>
            <div><h3>Porn stars would shoot for the stars, assuming the stars are nothing more than face tattoos. We didn’t expect them to…</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
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    </div><h2 id="d7c6">Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.</h2><p id="3383">— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —</p><p id="1b82">Thanks for reading!</p><p id="40e8">If you want to read and laugh more, visit The Haven’s <a href="https://medium.com/the-haven">homepage.</a></p><p id="2859">If you want to read more of my work, see my <a href="https://elliesalvaje.medium.com/read-this-post-before-continuing-to-peruse-my-blog-fb2cbf71e2d8">profile’s Table of Contents page</a>.</p><p id="efd2">If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, <a href="https://elliesalvaje.medium.com/membership">then please use this link</a>. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.</p><p id="363b">Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.</p><h2 id="3f38">View more pieces from The Haven/Dr. Funny</h2><div id="8956" class="link-block">
      <a href="https://readmedium.com/lt-governor-dan-patrick-creates-onlyfans-to-keep-texass-economy-afloat-b3e821570c41">
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            <h2>Lt Governor Dan Patrick Creates OnlyFans To Keep Texas’s Economy Afloat</h2>
            <div><h3>Pimp My State</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
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            <h2>Vladimir Putin Creates Conservatorship for Kanye West Until the Nazi Stops Scaring His Sponsors</h2>
            <div><h3>Fascist Jamie Spears</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
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            <h2>Kyrie Irving Promotes Slavery To Atone For Ancestors’ Sins</h2>
            <div><h3>Attack on Tolerance</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
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POLITICS, RELIGION

Fox News Foiled In Attempt To Crucify Jim Caviezel

Torture people to avoid bankruptcy

Picture of Jim Caviezel as himself and Jesus Christ from Aleteia

Exploiting and harming good-natured people for profit has been the conservative motto for years.

Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott was arrested for funding a scheme to kidnap actor Jim Caviezel simply to broadcast his crucifixion. When brought in front of the jury, Scott solemnly stated.

“Fox News incurred a massive debt since 2020.

“We were sued for promoting Tucker Carlson’s slander and fake news. We won that lawsuit by arguing that any reasonable viewer knew that Carlson is exaggerating for entertainment. His idiotic statements are NOT meant to be taken seriously. This angered our fanbase, who treated Carlson’s words as gospel.

“We tried to win back the white Evangelists by broadcasting Jesus Christ’s second crucifixion.

“Our billion dollar investment netted just under four hundred and fifty dollars. Investors pulled out, for they haven’t seen a company burn through so much money since Mark Zuckerberg threw cash into the Metaverse.

“Carlson had to work harder to keep our network alive. He spread lies and quoted false pieces to get more viewers. What a generous soul! Unfortunately, he fell for a joke piece that ‘claimed’ actor Will Smith joined al-Qaeda. Now, Smith is suing us for hundreds of millions!

“We need to come up with a get-rich-quick scheme fast! We thought about buying crypto exchange platforms such as Voyager and FTX, and marketing them to conservatives. How on earth did both go BANKRUPT a year later?

“We need to be creative. We still have a lot of resources from our failed crucifixion. What if we did it right this time? We find someone who looks like Jesus Christ and crucify him for views? Not a brown man, but the whitewashed version we idolized for years!”

Scott came across Caviezel’s performance in The Passion Of The Christ, and felt she found her guy.

“I couldn’t tell the difference between Jim Caviezel and Jesus Christ! Is Caviezel really Christ? They both even have the same initials!”

Scott feared that she would anger more Evangelists if she sacrificed a famous celebrity. Devout Christians in Hollywood are a dying breed. There’s not enough Kirk Camerons or Kevin Sorbos to force Hollywood into producing trashy Christian movies. The rest were either blacklisted or kidnapped by abortion bounty hunters.

Scott’s fears were quelled when she stumbled upon a Parler Christian message board. Evangelists posted how much they hated Caviezel.

  • “Caviezel is boring. He’s neither hypocritical, nor fragile. He stays true to the outdated rules of the Bible. Why on earth is he not deviating from the norm? How dare he takes away our joy of making fun of religious conservativers?”
  • “After Caviezel came out as pro-life, I challenged him to adopt a child who is completely different from him. Preferably a minority with significant disabilities. I didn’t think he’d actually go through with it. Not once. Not twice. THRICE! This motherfucker adopts THREE Chinese kids who battled cancer. This doesn’t bode well for my pro-choice argument. Fuck this dude for practicing what he preaches!”
  • “I’m trying to find videos of Caviezel becoming a religious lunatic like Kirk Cameron. Instead, I’m finding him preaching good values of Christianity. Family support, faith in Jesus, love and respect in Hollywood, abstinence, no consumption of drugs or liquor. This man is too perfect! I hate being around someone who makes me look like a monster!”
  • “Caviezel is a celebrity in Hollywood! He’s insanely good looking! He could be dating supermodels! He could be making out and having sex scenes with Jennifer Lopez and all the hot babes on camera! Instead, he turns them all down out of loyalty and respect for his average-looking wife of 25 years. 25 years? That’s 125 times the length of Kim Kardashian’s first marriage! What kind of a sicko doesn’t give into these temptations and divorce his wife?”
  • “Why is Caviezel telling us Christians to be accountable for our actions? He supports the discredited QAnon conspiracy theory, but also slams the Vatican Church for covering up child abuse. Does he really want to protect children from pedophiles? We’re just using QAnon to cover up our illegal sexual desires. How dare Caviezel tries to remove our leader Matt Gaetz from political power!”

Caviezel conducted himself exactly what Jesus Christ instructed his followers to behave as. Despite this, Evangalists hated how insecure they felt when being compared to him. Scott was amazed.

“Evangelists don’t want to follow Christ’s teachings. They just want to hide their sins behind their public image. They care way too much about what people think of them.

“They could learn a thing or two from witnessing Caviezel. Instead, they hate him for making them feel guilty about not practicing Jesus’s teachings. I’m still shocked that they want to see this pure human dead. People really think actors contribute little to society?

“Now, we just need to raid Mel Gibson’s wardrobe. Find any Jesus Christ robes and wigs. We need to kidnap Caviezel, dress him up, and crucify him. Evangelists will tune in to watch, eager to finally commit hypocrisy without feeling guilty.”

Scott reached out to top Republican sponsor, al-Qaeda, to see if they can stage a kidnapping.

However, al-Qaeda no longer used their designated number 1–800-TERRORS. The organization cut off their presence after being harassed by left extremists for retaking Kabul.

Scott instead reached out to a person she thought represented those terrorists: Democrat Congresswoman Ilhan Omar. Disgusted at Scott’s racism, Omar notified FBI Chief Christopher Wray about these plans. Wray gathered his team and quickly arrested Scott for working with the terrorists.

We reached out to Wray for a comment. Wray smirked.

“Scott probably would have harmed Caviezel if she reached out to porn stars instead. Using adult entertainers for terror almost worked for former Democrat politician Leland Yee.”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Thanks for reading!

If you want to read and laugh more, visit The Haven’s homepage.

If you want to read more of my work, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.

If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.

Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.

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