Scooby-Doo Gang Unveils QAnon Ring Leader As Matt Gaetz

NOTE: This draft was finalized in April, but I held off on publishing it until now. Since then, another author beat me to it on publishing a similar idea. Wise men think alike.

That article is written by Gary Janosz, titled “Q” was right, sort of. Take a look if you have time.

NOTE: This piece covers a controversial topic (sexual assault). Proceed with caution.

Turns out QAnon exists after all.

Already busy with arresting the Capitol Hill terrorists, the FBI commissioned the Scooby-Doo gang to find out who operates QAnon. Director Christopher A. Wray admits he commissioned the gang to solve this case because he wanted the teenagers out of the way.

“These kids have good hearts, but they are a hindrance. Daphne is too busy not getting her makeup and clothes dirty. Fred is too busy hitting on Daphne and giving fake orders to my agents. Shaggy is too busy getting high. Scooby is too busy eating. Velma was actually helpful in our investigation, but she said the gang was a packaged deal.

I gave them the task of tracking QAnon just to keep them busy and out of our hair. There’s no proof that QAnon exists, so we figured to send them on a goose chase while we track down the rioters on our own.”

Wray admitted he was shocked that the gang of teenagers were able to crack down the QAnon conspiracy before he arrested all the terrorists. “They had no leads or anything! Just conspiracy theories and fake news. How did they do this?”

Surprisingly, it wasn’t too hard for the gang.

Daphne received a text invitation from Matt Gaetz to come over to his mansion for a Saturday party. The text involved suggestive messages such as “bring nothing but a green scarf.” This made Velma suspicious (and Fred jealous), so the gang invited themselves to the party and decided to split up and search for clues.

Velma bumped into a waiter, lost her glasses, and crawled around until she found them. She picked them up and found herself in Gaetz’s library. Right next to the computer with Microsoft Bing open were two clues. The first was a notice Gaetz wrote to repeal using government resources to combat human trafficking. The second was a picture of Gaetz and Armie Hammer standing in front of a pizza shop.

Fred fell into a trap door that led to a gigantic freezer. Undeterred by the cold, he opened a cabinet and discovered frozen dead bodies. One of the bodies had a tag with the description “IGL Participant № 24601”.

Daphne was getting hit on by Gaetz and his Republican friends. She noticed that one of the friends, Joel Greenberg, had a necklace containing the Sigil of Lucifer. Daphne started flirting with Greenberg and managed to steal the necklace when Greenberg was too distracted staring at her breasts.

Scooby-Doo and Shaggy were too busy munching on the food at the open bar. Shaggy asked a waiter for a 4 foot leaning tower of tacos, which she obliged. While Scooby-Doo was busy eating a chocolate cake, Shaggy couldn’t help but notice that the waiter looked a little bit too young. He noticed a tattoo inscribed on her neck “A.K.O.O.”

Shaggy left to ask the girl more questions about the tattoo, whereas Scooby-Doo continued munching on the chocolate cake. Somebody tapped Scooby on the shoulder and handed the dog more cake. Scooby originally accepted, but then quickly turned around and saw the QAnon Shaman. In a state of panic, Scooby darted as fast as his 4 legs could carry him and bumped into Shaggy. Shaggy saw the hideous American face-painted monster with bear hide chasing after him and sprinted to find Daphne.

Fred climbed back up the stairs from the freezer and into the main party. He saw Shaggy and Scooby running away from the Shaman. Fred raced to Daphne, who revealed Lucifer’s necklace. Fred then thought that using the satanic cross on the necklace would weaken the Shaman, and quickly constructed the trap with the necklace on the floor. He then called Shaggy and Scooby to run towards the cross, hoping the Shaman would chase them into the cross. While Shaggy and Scooby successfully got the Shaman over the cross, they realized the trap had little effect on the Shaman. All four teenagers ended up running away from the Shaman.

Velma was closely inspecting the trap door that Fred fell into earlier, but was bumped by the rest of the gang and the Shaman. The group of 6 fell down a chute and right back into the freezer. The Shaman hit one of the drawers and a bunch of dead bodies fell out and piled on him. That ended up weakening the Shaman’s powers, as he is a hardcore vegan.

The gang tied up the Shaman and decided to reveal the villain to the guests. To no one’s surprise, the Shaman was none other than Jake Angeli. Angeli claimed that he was duped by the real QAnon leader to commit these heinous acts. Angeli refused to give out the info, but caved in after he was promised 3 vegan Scooby Snacks. He revealed that the leader of QAnon was Matt Gaetz, and the gang arrested him.

The FBI arrived at the scene of the crime. Wray was impressed, but was concerned that Gaetz’s lawyers can use Angeli’s insanity to discount the Shaman’s testimonial. Nevertheless, the gang had other proof.

Fred said that the dead bodies he noticed from IGL and the picture of Armie Hammer implied that Gaetz was a cannibal. Daphne said that Lucifer’s cross on Gaetz’s friend's neck showed that Gaetz was associated with Satan worshipers. Velma said that Gaetz’s lone vote to ban government aid to human trafficking implied that he owned a ring to distribute human slaves. Shaggy mentioned the A.K.O.O tattoo, which Velma realized it stood for A King Of Oneself. This was a popular brand created by T.I., who was criticized for operating a sex-trafficking ring on the side.

Faced with overwhelming evidence, Gaetz admitted to leading QAnon. He created this ring to unite all sex traffickers in one industry, as he and his friends loved to take advantage of 14-year old girls. Gaetz wanted to expand his business and realized that growing his political career would fetch him more clients and supplies. Gaetz formed QAnon LLC in a pizza shop and had T.I. run the operations and marketing. Gaetz hired Joel Greenberg to conduct transactions on his behalf. With T.I. handling the business expansion and Greenberg handling the finances, Gaetz focused on kidnapping innocent teenage girls to force them into sexual slavery. To avoid suspicion of being linked to QAnon and further damage his political career, Gaetz openly campaign against QAnon.

Gaetz growled. “And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for these meddling kids.”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

PS: Any bets on how likely Sean Hannity falls for this parody?

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