T.I. Heartbroken That He Couldn’t Prevent Jeffrey Epstein’s Suicide

Had only T.I. seen the signs.

The rapper left the game in 2011 to pursue other endeavors. He chose a rewarding career in suicide prevention and pursued side hustles in reality show production and empire-building. T.I.’s suicide intervention track record has been so successful, even Creed’s lead singer credited T.I. for intervening in his suicide attempt.

Despite his near-flawless record, T.I. does have some regrets. We sat down with him in an indoor interview, filmed on his reality show T.I. & Tiny: The Family Hustle. We asked if there were some unsuccessful attempts when pursuing his new career path. T.I. took off his Aviators, closed his eyes, hung his head, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I wish I was there for Jeffrey Epstein.”

The artist cried.

“Epstein was a talented man. He ran a successful child sex trafficking ring for more than 30 years without getting caught. He expanded his clientele to include former Presidents Donald Trump and Bill Clinton. To have that exclusive list of customers is amazing, and just spoke about how charismatic he was as an individual.

“My wife and I run a mom-and-pop sex trafficking ring, and it is nowhere close to Epstein’s enterprise. We could only recruit/drug interns and employees working in our clothing and tv businesses. Epstein knew how to market his ring worldwide. We had trouble expanding our ring across Nevada, and we could have used a talent like Epstein to bring our side hustle to greater heights.”

The actor started sobbing uncontrollably.

“God, how did I miss the signs? I met him on June 15, 2019 on his US Virgin Island, where he was hosting a party of exclusive guests. He usually invites us every year and spares no expense at his parties. His two rules for his guests are to live your lives and to have whatever you liked.

“Jeff is such a gem. He usually treats me and my wife with care, makes me feel heard, and asks how my daughter’s hymen is. But this time, he seemed nervous. He wasn’t his usual charismatic self. I knew he was going through some minor business problems, but I thought nothing of it. Looking back, I should have spoken up. I should have been there for him.

“But I was too selfish and looking out for myself. I was partying on his island too long. I was trying to find my way back home. Now Jeff, he’s dead and gone, dead and gone.”

T.I.’s wife, Tiny, came rushing in and embraced T.I. on his kneecaps. She started consoling him.

“There there, it’s ok baby. It’s not your fault. Plus, we don’t know if Epstein actually killed himself.”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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