SPORTS, HEALTH
Tom Brady’s Latest NFL Controversy Involves Using COVID Vaccines As An “Illegal” Competitive Strategy
Vaccinegate, the newest NFL scandal
Incredible athletes will do anything it takes to win. This is the first time that this selfish nature is benefitting the public.
American citizens are thankful that the greatest quarterback of all time, Tom Brady, has yet again entered a nationwide controversy. This new public scrutiny is not Brady’s first rodeo. First, there was SpyGate in 2007, where the New York Jets accused the New England Patriots for spying on their practices. Then, there was DeflateGate in 2014, where the Indianapolis Colts accused the New England Patriots for deflating balls in the playoffs. Now, we have VaccineGate in 2021.
Branded by Nicki Minaj as DeflateGate 2.0, VaccineGate is the newest polarizing scandal where teams are once again accusing Brady’s team of cheating its way to a championship. The NFL released strict protocols for unvaccinated team members, going so far as to issue the team a forfeit if one of their unvaccinated members causes a COVID outbreak. This sensible rule caused the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to get all team members vaccinated.
Upon hearing this, NFL players gathered around to sue the Glazer family for forcing their Tampa Bay Buccaneers to get vaccinated.
“Tampa Bay is bending over to Tyrant Brady to prevent an accidental forfeit. Forcing their team members to be healthy is unacceptable! What if the players don’t want to get vaccinated for religious or personal beliefs? Owners should care so much about our players that we allow them to kill themselves and put our team at risk if they desire. What Tampa Bay is doing is a dictatorship! I know how dictatorships operate, I used to play for the Houston Texans!” ~ Los Angeles County Jail quarterback DeShaun Watson¹
“If an accidental COVID outbreak happens during a Viking-Buccaneers game, then we Vikings will suffer just because some of us aren’t vaccinated. How is it fair to not penalize the Buccaneers just because they behaved like considerate citizens and followed health recommendations by the book?” ~ Minnesota Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins
“Once again, Tom Brady is doing shady measures to get another ring. He’s the GOAT! He shouldn’t tell people whether to get vaccinated! That’s Fox New’s job! Brady should just shut up and throw the pigskin!” ~ San Francisco 49ers quarterback Trevor Lawrence¹
“Athletes are God’s gift to earth, and they should be treated as such! How dare Tom Brady tells them to put harmful chemicals they haven’t even heard of in their body! Their bodies are temples, they should not be subjected to outside intervention from medical scientists who spent years studying this.” ~ Miami Pitbulls tight end Adam Shaheen.
The lawsuit has picked up considerable traction. Part-time wide receiver and full-time anti-vaxxer Cole Beasley is leading the lawsuit, claiming that he sides with Shaheen on the “my body, my choice” movement for men. We asked Beasley and Shaheen if this means that these athletes should no longer get surgeries for injuries, as they’re giving up control to scientists. Beasley smirked and claimed that he opted out of getting surgery for a broken fibula in 2020, but still had a career-high season that year. Because he delivered while suffering a serious injury, Beasley concluded that he no longer needed professional medical input in all aspects of his health. Shaheen, on the other hand, declined to comment.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell admitted he is torn on which side to pick in the lawsuit. On one hand, Goodell despises Tom Brady for winning too much and would love to hand him another 4 game suspension just to even the competition. On the other hand, Goodell wants to be consistent with his beliefs, as he is currently facing a similar lawsuit where NFL athletes are suing him for forcing them to wear helmets. “The NFL prioritizes keeping athletes and fans safe and healthy,” Goodell stated. “It frustrates me that athletes are against helmets and vaccinations, two conditions that are scientifically proven to keep everyone in good health.”
While Goodell is still deciding, some teams have decided to follow in the Buccaneer’s footsteps for a chance to win. The Atlanta Falcons decided they didn’t want to throw away any more games to Tom Brady, and have recently announced that all their members are 100% vaccinated. Washington Football Team’s quarterback Patrick Mahomes privately met with Dan Snyder to release all unvaccinated players, as Mahomes desires to build a competent team to get revenge on his SuperBowl loss to Brady.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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Footnote #1: The following celebrities (DeShaun Watson and Trevor Lawrence) have not publicly spoken up against vaccinations. I just used their names as jokes and references to my prior articles.
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