POLITICS, LGBTQ
Ron DeSantis Kidnaps LGBTQ Youth as Revenge for GLAAD Stealing the Concept of “Inventing a New Identity” From the GOP
Identity theft is not a joke!
Who knew Florida’s anti-woke governor wants credit for “kickstarting” wokeism?
Florida’s greatest dictator since Vladimir Putin has been ostracized for passing a bill that allows parents to kidnap their trans children if such children are receiving gender affirmative care outside of Florida. Republican Ron DeSantis took to Twitter to defend his decision.
“Florida is suffering from an influx in idiocracy. There are too many dumb people in my state. I tried to increase the state’s IQ not through improving education, but through killing the morons. Thanks to my efforts, I brought Florida’s educated population to its highest since 1845.
“However, the idiots I terrorized in my genocide became smarter. Who knew survival was such a powerful motivation? They found creative ways to escape my torture, with some going so far as to disguise themselves as illegal Mexicans. Since I can’t tell the difference, I end up flying out these aliens to Martha’s Vineyard.
“All the smart white children are leaving Florida to find better opportunities for work and safety. This state is now suffering from a brain drain! My genocide efforts to increase the state’s IQ will be useless if I don’t do something fast!
“This is why I signed a bill to allow dumb parents to kidnap their smart trans children. I just made lies on “hostile environment” just so we can keep the intelligence back in Florida!”
We reached out to DeSantis to ask why he thought trans children were intelligent.
“Studies say that highly intelligent people are at risk for depression, suicide, and mental illness. Trans kids check all three boxes!
“They’re already depressed from the laws I pass to restrict their rights.
“They’re suicidal from the laws I passed to refuse their affirmative care.
“They’re mentally ill because I say so. Anyone who claims an identity that’s different than what they’re born as is delusional and needs to be in an asylum. Unless they’re Republican. In that case, he/she/they would be a tremendous asset to the GOP.
“We Floridans need their Albert Einstein levels of intelligence! Who else will teach us dumb fucks how to say ‘Would you like some fries with that burger?’”
DeSantis’s comments struck a nerve with his Republican colleagues. Congressman and QAnon ring leader Matt Gaetz fired back.
“I am appalled that DeSantis would equate wokeism with intelligence. We Republicans are smart too! My good friend and congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene was bright enough to get rid of Islamophobia by starting a Muslim genocide!
“DeSantis’s genocide has gone on too far! Especially since morons are why we Republicans have jobs! If they knew how to read, they would abandon the GOP after discovering that we Republican politicians profit from screwing them over now!”
DeSantis angrily responded.
“Gaetz, I’m appalled that you would be against my kidnaping of kids. After all, aren’t you looking for a new girlfriend?
“Also, why are you against us? We went over this during our meeting. We’re kidnapping transgender kids to get back at GLAAD for stealing ideas from the GOP! Did you fall asleep because Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez kept you up the previous night?”
We reached out to DeSantis to clarify.
“Trans genders believe their identity is whatever they want it to be. Whether it’s a male, a female, a dog, a rainbow, or Satan’s stripper.
“This behavior emulates the Republican Party! The GOP is all about masquerading as different people!
- White, straight politician Dean Browning masquerades as a black, gay man. He went so far as to seduce a leader of the KKK.
- Loser Kari Lake masquerades as the Governor of Arizona.
- Republican George Santos masquerades as everyone. Even Democrat Hakeem Jeffries!
“How dare GLAAD and LGBTQ steal this concept from us! We Republicans made up our identity and gender BEFORE it was cool! We were the transgender hipsters!
“It’s time for the GOP to reclaim this! Why else would I revoke the liquor license of Hyatt Regency Miami? They should have supported Conservative SuperPAC conventions instead of drag shows if they loved transgenders so much!
“To get back at GLAAD, I’ll kidnap transgender kids out of state and send them back to their cisgender Floridan parents. Not only will I be hailed as a hero of the GOP, but I will also win ‘Parent of the Year’ by abducting children!”
DeSantis pondered.
“You know what? I’ve been having concentration camps to exterminate morons. What if I do the same with transgenders?
“I don’t want to kill them. I’ll just rehabilitate them in transgender re-education camps for kids. It’s for their own good.
“If they change into cis kids, great! They are cis straight with trans intelligence. If they’re still trans kids, they’ll still make Matt Walsh happy when they work for his child sex trafficking ring.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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