POLITICS

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis Teamed With Democrats To Raise The Republican State’s IQ To Its Highest Since 1909

Morocaust: The Genocide of Morons

We never thought we’d see the day when Republicans and Democrats would work together to achieve a common goal. And it’s all thanks to Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

We reached out to DeSantis to comment on the COVID cases spiking in Florida. Already drunk of 12 Coors Light cans, DeSantis unknowingly disclosed a secret that he should have kept to himself.

“Florida is a nation of incredible, one-of-a-kind attractions: Disney World, Miami nightlife, and the largest safari to observe lunatics.

Tales of the Florida Man, a legendary creature of Internet folklore, enticed visitors from around the world to prove this monster’s existence. Increased tourism increased Florida’s revenue, which drove greedy politicians to find creative ways to breed a generation of imbeciles from this savior of the sunshine economy. These ignorant fools pride in not being able to read, and base all their life-changing decisions on their fleeting emotions. None of us is surprised that Florida still saw Donald Trump as a Christian role model, despite the orangutan proudly boasting that he would bang his daughter.

“Increasing Florida’s stupidity may have increased Florida’s tourism revenue, but it also dropped the percent of college graduates from that state. Florida ranked 46th out of the 50 states in terms of education and intelligence since 2015. This angered me deeply, as I desired to improve the education standard of this state once I was sworn in.”

DeSantis chucked his empty can of Coors Light across the room before continuing.

“I was born in Florida, but I still went to to Yale and Harvard. Despite this, I’m still seen as mentally deranged as Forrest Grump. This stigma is unacceptable! I’ve worked far too hard to let myself be seen as an imbecile. God, I want to go back to the good old days when it was the black man who was seen as more idiotic than a white Florida man!”

“This stigma is harming my political career as well! I’m no longer allowed to sit at the GOP cool kid’s table during lunch. Moscow Mitch McConnell, Raphael Edward Cruz, and Marco Rubio truly believe that I’m not as smart as them! I decided to get revenge and focused all my efforts to raise Florida’s college graduation rate and literacy/education standards. While I did an admirable job to jump Florida’s high school rankings from 46th to 18th, I still couldn’t improve the number of college graduates from Florida.

“Despite sponsoring various reading programs and education initiatives, I still can’t convince a young adult Floridan to pick up a goddamn book. How is it that this state prides itself in its ignorance? When has the Republican Party made ignorance and illiteracy their core values?”

We were amused that DeSantis forgot his own party couldn’t even sell their politicians’ books to their supporters due to the latter’s illiteracy.

That being said, Republicans are notorious for supporting issues they forgot they opposed a day ago (looking at you, Lindsay Graham).

“There’s no hope for these fools,” DeSantis mused. “The only way is to kill them just so the Republican Party’s IQ can rise once again.”

Self-branding himself as the first edu-terrorist, DeSantis bragged that he ordered Nancy Pelosi to gather all the Democrat politicians to hear his incredible offer.

“Look, Florida will always vote for Republican. These people are just too stupid to view logic and reason; they refuse to wear a mask and to get vaccinated, despite those actions being in their best interests. They would rather die by their fucked-up principles than live in consideration of others.

“I proposed to speak out against the vaccination and mask mandate efforts. My goal is to kill off these ignorant souls one by one just so that Florida can be recognized as the smartest state in the USA. We can’t bring the state’s IQ by uplifting everyone via education at this point. We can only do so by getting rid of the failures who bring this state’s IQ average down.

“As for the liberals, all I asked is that they help keep this charade going. They would attack me in public for my anti-vaccination stance and fight against me in Congress. In addition, I requested them to secretly fund my state’s hospitals overtime just to keep them functional. I expected a spike in COVID delta cases due to my actions, and my hospitals need enough equipment to help these unvaccinated “victims.” If my hospitals don’t work, then my supporters will get angry that I’m discriminating them and will oust me from power. With all my requests, I can still hold office for another 10 years.

“I benefit from staying in office. Florida benefits from removing their idiot stereotype. Democrats benefit from the decrease of Republicans who would vote against them at all costs. Win-win-win.”

We were surprised that Pelosi wanted to work with such a psychopathic conservative. DeSantis smirked. “I promised her the deed to Jacksonville, Florida. I would have given her Mar-A-Lago just so she could spite Donald Trump, but she wasn’t interested in a bankrupt business.”

DeSantis boasted about his achievements to raise the COVID case rates. He convinced morons of Florida to fight against vaccinations. He convinced a private school principal to fire vaccinated teachers, a move that received praise from social Darwinists.

He used donations from the Liberal Party to fund production of the second season of Catching Corona: Delta Variant, encouraging Miami to sacrifice their health for their right to party.

He banned the mask mandate from being enforced. Within a month, DeSantis increased the COVID cases from 2,000 to 15,000.

We were alarmed that both the Democrats and DeSantis would conspire to eliminate Republicans. While we are on board with this natural selection, we felt morally obligated to at least give the Florida simpletons a heads up. We rushed down to Jacksonville’s #1 ranked pubic school to warn the principal of not listening to DeSantis’s words. The principal turned around and smiled.

“There is no pandemic in Flo Ri Da,” she stated.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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