GOP Suspends Bulk Book-Buying Machine After Realizing Republicans Can’t Read

Once again, the GOP has little to show for their extravagant spending.

Making the top booksellers list is an honor for many authors. But like any awards ranking show, there are surprises. While unpopular Republicans like Mitch McConnell, Dan Crenshaw, Josh Hawley, and Raphael Edward Cruz are fascists who abandoned all morals just to appease their racist fanbase, they also are authors who topped bestselling lists.

We were curious as to why the American public would spend their hard earned money on such incoherence. Surprisingly, these sales boosts didn’t come from the American people, but from the GOP itself. In a clever loophole to exploit non-sensical awards lists, the GOP admitted to buying these books in bulk just so their unpopular candidates can achieve the honor of Bestselling Author.

“Americans pretend they are elitist. They won’t read any content unless there’s a high honor/status associated with it. They won’t follow any leaders unless they have a distinct recognition. Americans simply won’t take the time to form their own opinions and would rather follow the masses instead of pursuing critical thinking.”

“No one will spend money to read the opinions of both the pirate Captain Crenshaw and the law firm McConnell Hawley & Cruz. But they will be more inclined if those books were recognized by the New York Times as bestsellers. The categories claim that books bought in bulk shipment from their original warehouse doesn’t count as sales. But nowhere did it say that bulk sales from the vendors/bookstores who stash those books don’t count.”

The GOP admitted to using political donations and campaign money to search through every bookstore and buy all copies of the novels from these Republicans. Over time, these congressmen received an honor and recognition that even Mark Twain didn’t receive in his lifetime.

With a bunch of novels, the GOP planned on selling them back to their supporters at a higher price. They gave away some copies for free in hopes to gain more traction. Despite their marketing efforts, the GOP was unable to sell a single copy of the novels they bought.

“We failed to realize that our fanbase is uneducated. They won’t pick up these books because they don’t know how to read. The free copies we gave out were used as frisbees. One supporter used Cruz’s autobiography to clean up the excrement of her puppy. Although given Cruz’s rhetoric, this action is somewhat symbolic.

“We now have a bunch of useless fake news, with no way of selling them. Furthermore, our candidates are not benefitting from the New York Time’s Bestseller list. The educated and literate folks know better than to waste their time reading these books, and avoid our candidates despite their book status. We have wasted so much money in such a useless cause.”

The GOP has temporarily suspended their bulk book-buying machine. To figure out a way to dispose these useless copies, the GOP has finally considered picking up a book for once: Fahrenheit 451.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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