POLITICS, ENTERTAINMENT
GOP Hires Capitalism Rejects To Star In Their Minstrel Show
A farce of the failures
If you can’t make it in Hollywood, work for the GOP. Yes, you’ll be hated for spreading nonsense. You may never get another job ever again. But for 15 minutes, you’ll get the fame and money you’ve always adored.
Investigative journalist Chad Loder — or as we call it, Google search expert — discovered an amusing truth on two controversial conservative figures. Republican Congressmen Lauren Boebert and conservative talk show host Candace Owens were recruited by entertainment agency ExploreTalent. We’re not surprised that Boebert and Owens tried to find entertainment jobs instead of honest work. After all, their collective IQ is still far less than what they would find acceptable as minimum wage.
We were amused that Boebert and Owens struggled to break into Hollywood for acting or modeling, and subsequently resorted to careers in a more immoral, degrading field: politics. Both these women took the Ann Coulter route and attacked basic human rights. Boebert slammed abortions and female healthcare, while Owens blasted affirmative action and Black Lives Matter.
We were amused that both female political celebrities would shit in the hand that fed them. Boebert had 2 abortions during her work as a prostitute and Owens worked with the NAACP to successfully sue for racial discrimination. Did they really forget how they came to existence? Or are they willing to screw humanity just to gain power and notoriety? Turns out they want to be as notorious as America’s last famous dick-tator. No, not Donald [now Brandon] Trump. Dick Cheney.
Boebert and Owens aren’t the only ExploreTalent members hired to spread the Republican agenda. Here‘s a full list of the All-American Rejects.
- Ashley Jefferey — unemployed actor who gets paid to speak against vaccinations in rallies 5 times a week
- Jason Lefkowitz — failed stand-up comedian who gets paid to attend anti-max and anti-vaccination rallies 5 times a week
- John Strand — former underwear model who got paid to riot on the Capitol on January 6th, 2021
- Scott Pressler — failed actor who organized a bus convoy to the January 6th terrorist attack
- Tariq Nasheed — failed R&B singer who pushed far-right propaganda
- Hotep Jesus — failed rapper who wrote books promoting conspiracy theories and far-right extremism
Furthermore, ExploreTalent was caught trying to fund YouTube influencers to spread vaccine misinformation. This plan backfired spectacularly, as ExploreTalent forgot that their attempted recruits weren’t broke. Turns out that the poorest YouTube influencer is still an upper-class citizen.
Regardless, we can see why these failed entertainers found alternative means to pay the bills. Entertainment is a cut-throat industry where only less than 1% of applicants succeed. Although we found it odd that Boebert had to sexually please Raphael Edward Cruz in order to make a living, we’ll refrain from slut shaming her. Furthermore, we’d be dicks for making fun of the mentally disabled.
That being said, we were amused that the capitalism-loving GOP would hire people who got screwed by that economic system. What’s wrong with party throwing a couple billion to Trump wannabe Elon Musk? At least he benefited from screwing his workers over. The practice of giving money to the failures of capitalism really goes against the GOP’s desire to keep the rich wealthy.
We reached out to GOP Ronna McDaniel, who confirmed this shady hiring.
“We know our fanbase is radical. They promote white supremacy, child pornography, far-fetched conspiracy theories, sexism. They long for the good old days, assuming that those days were in the 1600s. They would rather have a short life plagued with diseases, as long as it means controlling women and non-white races.
“However, we can’t hire these fans to promote our causes on television. They’re too ugly! They’re too stupid! They don’t have the media training that ExploreTalent members have. We need good looking, PR friendly actors who will get paid by us to promote this nonsense! They have no money, and will get hired by us!
“We knew these entertainers were bitter. They tried for years to make it to Hollywood, but had no luck. No, it doesn’t matter if they just weren’t good enough at their job! They support the GOP now, so we will automatically assume that they were silenced for their beliefs! It’s the liberals fault that they weren’t successful! Not capitalism!
McDaniels smirked.
“These idiots are fine with ruining their image, their careers, and their network. They are willing to embarrass themselves for liberal entertainment and for conservative nonsense. They will give up anything for a chance at fame. Seriously. Boebert fucked Cruz just to get a seat in Congress¹! Owens slammed the NAACP just so she can be as famous as Tucker Carlson!
“Who on earth would stoop that low for fame? Oh right. Wannabe actors.
“That’s the beauty of America. We are attention-seeking whores who want to make our mark on history, whether good or bad. We want to be as famous as Abraham Lincoln. Or Adolf Hitler. There’s no such thing as bad publicity.
“Regardless, the GOP would be foolish to not capitalize on this brainwashed supply of recruits. As long as we throw money at them, we can further our fascist agenda through funding this conservative minstrel show. Have idiots promote our beliefs just so we can raise more money from them making fools out of themselves.
“This is a genius idea! We already used money to convince Jane Roe to speak out against abortions. Money can solve anything!”
McDaniel then added that Owens and Boebert’s success meant that the GOP will be hiring more unemployed, crazy bitches from ExploreTalent.
“We know Amber Heard is broke and jobless after being forced to pay Johnny Depp for defamation. We were intrigued by her potential because of two reasons. One, she’s insanely hot. Two, she found it acceptable to shit on his bed. We can’t think of a beautiful, batshit insane, broke bitch to steal another Congress seat from the Democrats!”
Disclaimer: This is true.
Well. Mostly true.
While the characters and events in this article are real, our conversation with Ronna McDaniel is entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. Furthermore, we have no proof that the GOP is pursuing Amber Heard. However, the joke was too good to ignore.
Investigative journalist Chad Loder deserves most of the credit for his extensive research on this matter. We simply took his work and rewrote it in a humorous parody.
Please check Bernadette Giacomazzo’s article on Loder’s research when you get the chance.
Please follow Loder on his Twitter.
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#1: The theory that Boebert fucked Cruz in exchange for a political career is unproven and has been redacted. Regrettably.
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