9 Mutual Masturbation Tips
Experts weigh in on how to double your pleasure
Do you want to try mutual masturbation with your partner but don’t know how to incorporate it into your sex life? Mutual masturbation can definitely feel intimidating at first, but the following expert tips can help you get used to the experience and get the most out of doubling your masturbation pleasure.
Set Boundaries
Before engaging in mutual masturbation, decide in advance how you want the experience to go. Are you going to mutually engage with pornography or erotica? If so, what kind, and does it serve both of your preferences and fantasies? Do you want to touch one another? Or do you want the experience to be physically separate, but mutually visual? Is anything off-limits? Discuss your preferences openly to ensure that every aspect of the experience will be equally arousing and consensual, and respect your partner’s boundaries throughout the experience.
-Mia Sabat, in-house certified sex therapist at Emjoy
Take Baby Steps
I suggest taking baby steps into this new erotic world to make sure you navigate it with as much ease as possible. Have a conversation beforehand rather than spontaneously diving in. Talk about your desires, your fears, and most importantly, your boundaries. Don’t be afraid to set the scene to be as comfortable as possible. If you have reservations about mutual masturbation specifically in regards to being witnessed in your pleasure, try dimming the lights to create some privacy for your experience. You can also start by wearing a blindfold or requesting your partner wear one as well. And remember that it’s okay to close your eyes.
-Amy Baldwin, Co-Host of the Shameless Sex Podcast
“Use mutual masturbation as an opportunity to try what you love.” — Mia Sabat
Have a Make-Out Session
I think a really easy way to get started is to start kissing and making out — but then when you would normally move to touch your partner’s genitals, start touching your own instead. Then you can have a “you show me yours” kind of play or a more synced exploration.
Another option is to be right up close to each other kissing, and maybe fondling each other, while you each get yourselves off. This can feel more like the kind of sex you’re used to, with the added benefit of going at your own pace — and maybe helping your lover out if you finish first.
-Searah Deysach, Sex Educator and Owner of feminist sex shop Early to Bed
Listen to Audio Erotica
While most forms of pornography focus on visual elements of sexual encounters, and may not be everyone’s taste, audio erotica is brought to life by the power of imagination — and also helps to develop fantasies. Fantasy is one of our biggest sexual stimulators, especially when the stories have been vividly crafted, because it allows us to be part of the story, not just an observer. Erotic stories are great for couples because, when listening, each individual can engage with their own preferences and turn-ons, while still connecting over the same storyline or narrative. It’s an especially excellent tool for those new to mutual masturbation because a story can guide beginners through a new sexual experience as they act out the story being told, while continuously stimulating the mind.
-Mia Sabat, in-house certified sex therapist at Emjoy
“Talk about your desires, your fears, and most importantly, your boundaries.” — Amy Baldwin
Do What Feels Good to You
This is really different for everyone. It depends on how you and your partner prefer to get off. For instance, if you self-pleasure or orgasm with sex toys, use sex toys during mutual masturbation. Incorporate your usual self-pleasure techniques and do what feels good for you as a unique sexual being. Your methods for mutual masturbation do not have to be different from your methods for independent masturbation. Don’t try to be performative and do something that doesn’t actually feel pleasurable for you. Instead of doing what you think looks hot to your partner — do what feels hot for you.
-Amy Baldwin, Co-Host of the Shameless Sex Podcast
Leverage Communication
Talking about it first is a great way to get started. Make it the designated sexual activity for a night and gather any supplies. This is an opportunity for you to show how you use your favorite sex toy. There can be a level of embarrassment, as this can feel very new and taboo, but remember your partner is a safe person to explore this with. You can encourage your partner verbally (“Oh, honey, you look so sexy doing that!”) or nonverbally (kissing and touching can be encouraging). Relax and focus on the sensations and your own feelings and try to let go of how you look to your partner in this moment.
-Searah Deysach, Sex Educator and Owner of feminist sex shop Early to Bed
Embrace Exploration
Mutual masturbation can be a highly visual experience if you want it to be, and allows you to explore positions that wouldn’t be typically available during oral or penetrative sex. Whether you want to stay really close together, afford one another a close-up, or be across the room from one another, try positions within your partner’s boundaries and don’t shy away from exploring what excites you. Your imagination is your only limit.
-Mia Sabat, in-house certified sex therapist at Emjoy
“Remember your partner is a safe person to explore this with.” — Searah Deysach
Use Lubricant
Lube is an essential tool for maximum pleasure. Lube offers a barrier between your sensitive nether regions and your toys. No one needs to burn their clit with their toy on a maximum setting. No thanks! If you’re using butt toys, lube helps you slide your toys into place. A butthole does not expand or lubricate naturally the way a vagina does, so use lube, lube, and more lube. Be sure you are using a water-based lubricant with your silicone toys. As much as silicone and oil-based lubes are fun and slippery, they can damage your silicone and that is no fun for anyone.
-Certified sex educator and clinical sexologist Gigi Engle
Customize Your Mutual Masturbation Experience
The wonderful thing about mutual masturbation is that each individual can really customize the experience to their preferences. Perhaps there is a toy that you love, but your partner hates, or a lube your partner loves, but doesn’t work well with your vulva. Mutual masturbation offers a chance to engage with the toys, lube, and other stimulators that really appeal to you both as individuals, even if you don’t have a shared interest in that item. Use mutual masturbation as an opportunity to try what you love, and let your partner cheer you and your pleasure on while they do the same.
-Mia Sabat, in-house certified sex therapist at Emjoy
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