Don’t Try This At Home: The Vaginal Edition

8 bizarre objects removed from vaginas

Masturbation is a wonderful thing; we all know this. And spontaneity can be great for your sex life. But sometimes when people combine the two, they may improvise their way into the emergency room if impromptu sex toys get stuck in their vaginas. Here are some of the strangest objects that medical professionals report they had to remove from women’s nether regions.

Sex Toy

Obviously, we would expect to put a sex toy in our vagina — particularly when we don’t feel like putting in the work to use our fingers. However, usually when we’re done, we don’t keep it there — and we definitely don’t keep it there for ten years. But that’s what happened with a 38-year-old Scottish woman who went to the Aberdeen Royal Infirmary after experiencing “severe weight loss, shaking, lethargy, and mild incontinence.” After doctors removed a five-inch sex toy from the woman’s vagina, she admitted that it had been lodged inside of her after a drunken sex session she had a decade prior. The case, which was described in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, resulted in the woman suffering from severe kidney damage.

Handcuff Keys

Reading Fifty Shades of Grey* can definitely inspire people to experiment in the bedroom, but one couple featured on Sex Sent Me To The ER got a little bit too carried away. During a role playing session, where Jason was a sex-starved dragon and Michelle was a beautiful princess trying to escape from her captor, handcuff keys were placed inside of her “treasure chest” and became tangled with her intrauterine device (IUD). Although reluctant to tell the emergency room doctor what happened, she eventually fessed up. She told the show, “That snapped me. I’m like, ‘Okay, this is the situation. This is why we’re here’.”

“I don’t advise inserting children’s toys during sexual activity….” — Poppy Ward

Phones

When trying to test just how well the vibrate feature on her Nokia 3310 phone worked, a woman in Serbia reportedly attached it to a ribbon and stuck it in her vagina. Unfortunately, the ribbon fell off and she was not able to remove it, which prompted her visit to the emergency room. And to add insult to injury, the woman’s phone started ringing as she waited to be seen by the doctor. She’s not the only one who needed to have a phone removed from inside of her. There was another case reported where a woman “was having sex with boyfriend when he put phone and money in vagina.”

Donny Osmond Poster

While Prince’s Darling Nikki was caught in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine, chances are she didn’t literally roll it up and go to town with it. However, a Donny Osmond fan featured on Bizarre ER apparently took things a bit too far — to the point where she had to have a rolled up poster of the teen idol removed from her vagina after complaints of feeling discomfort “down there.”

Pop Rocks

Some people have a sweet tooth, but one lady had a sweet something else. Also featured on Sex Sent Me To The ER, she put Pop Rocks in her vagina when having sex with her husband and regretted it as soon as she experienced “burning and itching” instead of the enjoyable tingling sensation she expected. Since the candies dissolved in her vagina before she arrived at the emergency room, the doctor had a hard time figuring out what happened to the woman — so her and her husband were forced to fess up about what they did to spice up their date night. Fun fact: I heard about someone else doing this once and used it in an erotica story. Luckily for my character, the result was pleasure, not pain.

Toy Dinosaur

Poppy Ward recounts in The Guardian that one day while working as a student nurse in a sexual health clinic, a woman who had trouble walking told her, “I was playing with my son’s dinosaur, and it’s stuck.” Ward initially thought the patient had thrush and was confused about why the woman was mentioning playing with toys. As the conversation progressed, it became clear to Ward what the woman was talking about when she pointed to her crotch. The dinosaur was removed with forceps and the patient was given some words of wisdom: “I don’t advise inserting children’s toys during sexual activity, however if you do choose to masturbate with a toy dinosaur, I recommend buying your own, and perhaps putting it in a condom, or tying a leash to its foot.”

“Those things are pretty expensive and hard to replace. So that’s where it went, along with her driver’s license.” — Dr. Melissa Barton

Prosthetic Eyeball

While this one was not done for sexual pleasure, it is odd enough that it deserves a spot on this list. Dr. Melissa Barton, an emergency room doctor at Detroit Medical Center, told ABC News that one night she encountered a woman whose chart explained she had an “eye in the vagina.” Why? The woman explained that she was expecting to have a fight and since she was wearing clothes with no pockets, she needed a safe place to store her prosthetic eye. “Those things are pretty expensive and hard to replace,” Barton explained. “So that’s where it went, along with her driver’s license.”

Crack Pipe

A list like this wouldn’t be complete without a story on someone trying to evade arrest by shoving something they shouldn’t have in a place where it doesn’t belong. In 2011, a Florida woman who was spotted by the Charlotte County Narcotics Unit coming out of a crack house needed somewhere to hide her pipe when she was confronted by police. While Arlina Romero did not bother to hide the stolen credit card found in her pocket, police noticed she kept fiddling around her crotch area. She eventually confessed to hiding a six-inch crack pipe in her vagina, which, surprising to no one, tested positive for cocaine.

While these stories are humorous, it’s important to remember that using makeshift sex toys can have serious consequences that go above and beyond the embarrassment you will feel from having to explain what you did to a doctor. Putting a foreign object inside of your vagina can cause skin irritation, bleeding, a rash, swelling, and a bacterial infection.

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Sources:

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Borreli, L. (2014, May 28). Sex Sent Me To The ER: Woman Gets Handcuff Keys Stuck Inside IUD Device In Vagina During ‘Sex Play’. Medical Daily. https://www.medicaldaily.com/sex-sent-me-er-woman-gets-handcuff-keys-stuck-inside-iud-device-vagina-during-sex-play-285022

Borreli, L. (2014, July 24). 5-Inch Sex Toy Left Inside Woman’s Vagina For 10 Years Finally Removed: Infections Adult Novelties Can Cause. Medical Daily. https://www.medicaldaily.com/5-inch-sex-toy-left-inside-womans-vagina-10-years-finally-removed-infections-adult-novelties-can

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Patient has Buzz Lightyear doll stuck up rear. AsiaOne. https://www.asiaone.com/health/patient-has-buzz-lightyear-doll-stuck-rear

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