Don’t Try This At Home: The Penile Edition

7 odd objects removed from penises

Although ill-advised, it’s understandable why people would put unusual objects in their vagina or butt when masturbating — in the heat of the moment, it seems like there’s adequate room in these orifices. But a penis? Surely, men would leave that alone, right?

Wrong. As with other orifices, doctors have chronicled what can go wrong when people decide to stick something inside of their penis. Below are seven cases of odd objects that needed to be removed from a penis.

Maggots

Yes, you read that right. As Dr. Mona Moore writes in VICE, a 45-year-old patient came to see her because he was unable to urinate. After giving the man a catheter so he could relieve himself, she had him X-rayed to determine the problem. The X-ray revealed lumps in his bladder that Moore was convinced were cancerous tumors. As a result, the patient was scheduled for surgery so a camera could help Moore see exactly what was going on.

And what was going on was something she never would have guessed.

“As the camera slid into his bladder, the whole surgery stopped in disbelief,” explained Moore. “Those were not cancerous lumps writhing around in horrible humping masses, but maggots. There was a rampant maggot orgy in his bladder.”

After the discovery, the patient admitted that during a fishing trip, he decided to put a maggot in his penis and when he enjoyed the feeling of it traveling up his urethra, he inserted more. Moore says she has seen a lot of objects put into penises, but maggots were a first for even her.

“Patients are looking for excitement through unusual ways.” — Dr. Cao Zhiqiang

USB Cable

While pleasuring himself, a drunken man stuffed a 20-centimeter USB cable into his penis — an idea he got while searching for ways to get off on the Internet. “He found a video online that taught him how to sexually stimulate himself with a charging cable, so he inserted one into his urethra,” said the doctor who treated him when he arrived at the hospital “in an incredible amount of pain”. The surgery lasted for over an hour and the doctor has kept the cable — disinfected of course — as a memento. Another patient probably wishes he grabbed some disinfectant when he decided to put 20 inches of cable into his penis. When he went to the hospital, doctors were perplexed about why the man had a long cable hanging between his legs. It turned out that when he stuck the cable in his penis, it became knotted in his bladder so although he was able to remove about 12 inches of it, the rest had to be surgically removed.

Pen Tip

A 55-year-old man had to get the tip of a pen removed from his penis that had been lodged inside of him for two months after a session of “sexual gratification” gone wrong. Since he had trouble peeing, the doctors initially thought he had a narrow urethra, which required that they insert a catheter. When that didn’t work, the doctors scanned the area and found the pen tip pushing against his bladder. According to BMJ Case Reports, the patient claimed he had no “history of local trauma, sexually transmitted diseases, drug abuse or foreign body insertion”, but he later admitted to what he had done.

“There was a rampant maggot orgy in his bladder.” — Dr. Mona Moore

Sewing Needles

A man was rushed to the hospital because he was experiencing bleeding and extreme pain when he went to the bathroom. And it’s no wonder: The 35-year-old patient had inserted 15 sewing needles into his penis in a misguided attempt at pleasuring himself. Why would someone do this? According to Dr. Cao Zhiqiang, the urologist who meticulously spent over an hour removing the needles, it boils down to a weird fetish. “There are scholars explaining this scenario as one of the peculiar sex similar to sadomasochism and foot fetishes,” he said. “Patients are looking for excitement through unusual ways.”

Thermometer

While sticking a thermometer in his urethra to get off, a 25-year-old man lost his grip and it moved inside of him until it reached his bladder. After trying to remove it to no avail, he did not seek medical treatment for 11 days because, according to an article featured in Urology Case Reports, he was “expecting extraction of the thermometer spontaneously”. Luckily for him, it only took doctors 15 minutes to remove the thermometer, which was still intact.

“He found a video online that taught him how to sexually stimulate himself with a charging cable, so he inserted one into his urethra.”

Fork

Miss Manners would definitely have a reprimand for the 70-year-old Australian man who stuck a 10-centimeter steel fork into his urethra “to achieve sexual gratification”. After 12 hours, he went to the hospital to have it removed, which, according to the International Journal of Surgery Case Reports, entailed “forceps traction and copious lubrication”.

Padlock

A 31-year-old patient went to the hospital in pain after he inserted a small padlock so far up his urethra that it ended up in his bladder. After performing a battery of tests to determine the best way to remove the lock, doctors settled on cutting a hole in his bladder to get it out.

More from Kiki Wellington:

Sources:

Adu, A. (2018, April 6). OAP gets a THREE-FOOT long phone cable stuck in his penis after he shoved it up to ‘scratch an itch’. The Sun. https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/5990075/pensioner-penis-stuck-phone-cable-scratch-itch/

Berg Olsen, M. (2018, April 5). Pensioner shoved 3ft phone charger in his penis to ‘scratch and itch’. Metro. https://metro.co.uk/2018/04/05/pensioner-shoved-3ft-phone-charger-in-his-penis-to-scratch-and-itch-7443132/

Caba, J. (2013, August 19). Australian Man With Fork Lodged In Penis Spikes Curiosity In Medical Community [PHOTOS]. Medical Daily. https://www.medicaldaily.com/australian-man-fork-lodged-penis-spikes-curiosity-medical-community-photos-252357

Connolly, L. (2019, September 20). Man Gets Glass Thermometer Stuck In Bladder After Putting It Up His Penis. Unilad. https://www.unilad.co.uk/health/man-gets-glass-thermometer-stuck-in-bladder-after-putting-it-up-his/

Downey, A. (2018, May 31). Man, 55, has op to remove pen tip from his penis two months after sex act went wrong. The Sun. https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/6417479/man-55-has-op-to-remove-pen-tip-from-his-penis-two-months-after-sex-act-went-wrong/

Inman, M., and Knaus, C. (2013, August 19). Fork stuck in man’s penis after bizarre sexual mishap. The Canberra Times. https://www.canberratimes.com.au/story/6152749/fork-stuck-in-mans-penis-after-bizarre-sexual-mishap/

Jolly, B. (2017, November 16). Man gets padlock stuck in his bladder after pushing it up his penis. Metro. https://metro.co.uk/2017/11/16/man-gets-padlock-stuck-in-his-bladder-after-pushing-it-up-his-penis-7085539/

Man inserts 15 needles into penis for ‘satisfaction’; doctors spend over an hour removing them. The Indian Express. https://indianexpress.com/article/trending/bizarre/man-inserts-15-needles-into-penis-for-satisfaction-doctors-spend-over-an-hour-removing-them-4722508/

Matthews, S. (2019, September 20). Man, 25, gets a glass thermometer stuck in his bladder after he shoved it into his penis — and he only went to the hospital to get it removed 11 days later ‘because he thought it would fall out on its own’. Daily Mail Online. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-7461185/Man-25-got-glass-thermometer-stuck-bladder.html

Moore, M. (2012, October 24). Please Don’t Stuff Your Cock. VICE. https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/avna8k/please-dont-stuff-your-cock-with-maggots

Moran, M. (2019, September 23). Bloke needs surgery after getting a glass thermometer stuck inside penis. Daily Star. https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/world-news/bloke-needs-surgery-after-getting-20153817

Morgan, S. (2017, November 16). Randy weirdo, 31, had a lock stuck in his bladder after inserting it up his todger. The Sun. https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/4929033/man-insert-lock-through-penis-stuck-bladder/

Naidu, K., Chung, A., and Mulcahy, M. (2013, August 3). An unusual urethral foreign body. International Journal of Surgery Case Reports. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3825963/

O’Neill, K. (2016, November 21). ‘Drunk’ man shoves 20cm USB cable into his penis ‘for sexual pleasure’ — and gets it stuck. Mirror Online. https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/drunk-man-shoves-20cm-usb-9303561

Ottley, T. Why A Man Put 15 Sewing Needles In His Penis. Men’s Health. https://www.menshealth.com.au/a-man-puts-15-sewing-needles-in-his-penis-for-pleasure

Sharma, D., Pandey, S., Garg, G., and Sankhwar, S. (2018).

Foreign body urethra misdiagnosed as stricture leading to inadequate management and prolonged treatment duration: a lesson to learn. BMJ Case Reports. https://casereports.bmj.com/content/2018/bcr-2018-224494.abstract

Sprunk, C. (2017, June 24). Man Hospitalized After Inserting Sewing Needles Into His Penis. Men’s Health. https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19522493/man-inserts-needles-into-his-penis/

Yang, G., Li, D., Sun, L., Zhang, Y., Xu, A., and Qian, H. (2019, July 2). Transurethral cystoscopic removal foreign body (thermometer) with a stone extractor: A case. Urology Case Reports. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2214442019301950