Diddle Till You Drop: What It’s Like to Participate in a Masturbate-a-Thon
What would it take for you to self-serve in a roomful of strangers?
You’re at San Francisco’s Masturbate-a-Thon, which was held for over a decade and organized as part of a celebration of self-service during National Masturbation Month. You’re greeted at the door of the venue by one of the organizers or a staff member. You walk in and pay the suggested donation, if you can, and go to the area where your clothes will be held. A staff member explains the rules: No touching without permission. No leering. Don’t use drugs or alcohol in the venue. Clean up your area after you’re done. You’re then taken into the main room where you may see some pornography being shown or witness some people, known as spark plugs, playing with each other to get things heated up.
You may even see one of the organizers, sexologist Dr. Carol Queen — the author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone* and Co-Founder of the Center for Sex & Culture — masturbating right in front of you to help get everyone worked up. This is by design, something Queen and her partner, Dr. Robert Morgan Lawrence, who is the other Founder of the Center, thought would help make guests feel more comfortable.
“I really, really just think women are so beautiful, particularly their genitals.” — Grace
“Robert and I realized long ago that if someone who was comfortable in the sex space goes and starts things up, it makes it easier for other people who might be a little shy to go ahead and pitch in,” Queen said.
You may wonder if you have to be a complete exhibitionist to pitch in, or to even attend a Masturbate-a-Thon at all. According to Queen, the event did have its share of prideful peacocks, strutting around the room and showing off their wares — but this was not as common as you may think.
“There was one guy who came to a number of Masturbate-a-Thons, at least five I would say over the course of several years, who really was an exhibitionist,” she said. “He oiled up his body, he got right in the middle of the room, he didn’t stay down on the floor, he moved around, he did yoga poses with masturbation involved, he had a cock ring — that guy was an exhibitionist. I used to see him at the Folsom Street Fair naked too, so I know.”
Queen also knows that, by and large, most people did not have such an overwhelming desire to be admired.
“Most other people did not get that show-offy,” she said. “But you’d have to at least not mind that there might be some voyeurs around.”
So, if not to show off their bodies, why did people participate in a Masturbate-a-Thon? I spoke to three attendees who went for reasons as diverse as San Francisco itself. These are their stories.**
Sharing the Solo Sex Experience
For Michael, the Masturbate-a-Thon was a natural extension of his relationship with solo sex.
“Of course I always enjoyed masturbating, and I liked masturbating in the presence of women,” he said.
Michael attended about ten Masturbate-a-Thons and has several vivid and fond memories of his experiences there. For example, one year he felt led to speak in front of the crowd as presentations were being made on stage about the importance of masturbation.
“I had really wanted to publicly express the joy of masturbation and why I masturbated,” said Michael. “I was talking about how masturbation is a celebration, and we are enjoying it, so we need to help the world enjoy. Even the camera people were applauding my statement, which was kind of nice, and then two women immediately got up to testify.”
Another year, Michael recalls a musician playing to the Masturbate-a-Thon crowd as soft core porn movies were shown in the background, which he says enhanced the erotic nature of the environment.
“He oiled up his body, he got right in the middle of the room, he didn’t stay down on the floor, he moved around, he did yoga poses with masturbation involved, he had a cock ring — that guy was an exhibitionist.” — Dr. Carol Queen
“His on-site compositions were incredible, and so that was one event that really stood out. The whole room, men and women, was all in sync with the music masturbating together,” Michael said. “It was really amazing and it still stands out as one of the memorable Masturbate-a-Thon experiences and memories.”
And these memories are something that he is happy to share with others — such as phone sex operators that Michael has spoken to, who are amused at hearing the tales of what attending a Masturbate-a-Thon was like.
“Of course, it’s always much more erotic to talk about masturbation with women from my perspective,” he said. “The operators were actually very enthralled with this story, and some of them even wrote about my descriptions in their blog.”
A Healing Connection
When Grace went to Masturbate-a-Thon in 2011, she was going through a difficult emotional time. Her mother had recently passed away and the former sex worker was processing not only her feelings about the death, but also her feelings about her sexuality.
“I’m queer and I had always identified as bisexual, but I was at the point where I was kind of questioning some of my internalized homophobia and biphobia. I grew up in the Deep South and my father was a preacher, so there was a lot of religious trauma and a lot of sanctioning against any form of homosexuality,” she explained. “I tried to come out to my mom shortly before she died and she told me I was guided by Satan if I thought homosexuality was okay. So when she passed, as much as I loved her, it freed up a space in me to really start looking at belief systems that affected my experience as a queer woman. I was doing that work while I was grieving.”
For Grace, Masturbate-a-Thon was a safe place for her to confront her feelings head-on, as well as possibly connect with a woman sexually — which she had not had much luck with in the past. She was also excited by the prospect of seeing women masturbating in her presence — and being seen by them.
“I am a little exhibitionistic when it comes to my pussy and I really, really just think women are so beautiful, particularly their genitals — so watching women masturbate to me is very erotic,” Grace said. “It just kind of kicked in that confidence I had as a sex worker, particularly, as a stripper, where you’re just out in the open naked touching yourself in front of a whole room. It felt empowering to me and exciting, and it touched on good memories I had about the sex industry.”
Grace took those positive feelings and good memories with her when she walked into Masturbate-a-Thon, though she admits she had butterflies in her stomach from all the excitement. She settled into the main area of the venue and scanned the room, much like she would have when she worked as a dancer, to see if there was anyone she had any chemistry with. There was. A woman with her partner got Grace’s attention, and when the two locked eyes, they began watching each other masturbate.
“I set myself up for the evening on a stool in a corner, with plenty of lube and a towel, and proceeded to pleasure myself.” — Jeff
However, Grace admits she did find it difficult to fully appreciate the woman’s body because of the penetrative nature of her masturbation technique, which meant her hand was cupped over her genitals.
“She was still pleasuring herself and I enjoyed seeing that ripple across her face and her body, and I was very attracted to her breasts, but just for my visual pleasure, what really turns me on when masturbating with women, or fantasizing about women, is seeing their pussies and seeing them play with it,” said Grace. “I really couldn’t see hers and I just didn’t feel comfortable enough to say, ‘could you just play with your clit for a minute, I really want to see you, it makes me hot’.”
Still, Grace kept watching. And touching. They both orgasmed and shared satisfied smiles and glances. She ran into the woman later on and they exchanged phone numbers — although the connection they made would prove to be ephemeral as nothing more ever became of it. But that was okay with Grace; she still found it was a pleasant experience that helped her with her growth.
“Overall, my experience was positive,” she said. “I remember being really happy for a few days because even though I hadn’t had touching sex with a woman, I did have a form of sex with a woman and it was nice. It was affirming for me and kind of helped dispel those internalized biphobic voices, and the voices of all the women who would not date me.”
Of Pleasure and Politics
Jeff was no stranger to safer sex parties when Queen and Lawrence started organizing Masturbate-a-Thons. As someone who had attended the pair’s Queen of Heaven parties, he felt entirely comfortable masturbating in this type of setting. In fact, he literally made his public masturbation an art form when he acted as a live installation in a show featuring spoken, written, visual, and performance pieces.
“I was the guy off in a corner pleasuring himself as people took in the various art works and performances. The event was held at a community space on Valencia Street in San Francisco. I’d already participated in one Masturbate-a-Thon, so I figured, what the heck, why not?” Jeff explained. “I set myself up for the evening on a stool in a corner, with plenty of lube and a towel, and proceeded to pleasure myself. The only thing I was wearing was a pair of mirrored sunglasses, and I did not speak a word all night. I was surprised and delighted at the reactions I got, especially when I got close to yet another orgasm. And yes, I managed a few orgasms that evening.”
When it came to Masturbate-a-Thon, part of the reason Jeff was interested in participating was because of the message behind it. The event was created in part as a vehicle to promote National Masturbation Month, which Queen established in 1994 with San Francisco-based sex toy company Good Vibrations — where she works as the staff sexologist — upon learning that then Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders was fired for saying masturbation should be taught in the sex education curriculum. Like the staff at Good Vibrations, Jeff was outraged by the firing and wanted to make a statement about masturbation.
“It felt positive to be masturbating for a cause, bringing awareness to the fact that self-pleasuring is healthy and normal,” he said. “I thought her firing was senseless, so getting involved with the Masturbate-a-Thons was a way I felt I could show support for her and change the narrative about masturbation.”
And Jeff misses making such as statement, and says he would participate in a Masturbate-a-Thon in a heartbeat if another one was organized.
“I miss events like Masturbate-a-Thon and the pansexual parties put on by Carol and Robert. I feel they were important for many reasons,” Jeff said. “Chief among them being they addressed stigmas associated with HIV, self-pleasuring, gender identity, body image, age — and the list goes on. Having a safe space to experience some new or different sexual activity, where you know your boundaries will be respected, can be very empowering.”
*This article contains affiliate links.
**The names of all participants have been changed to respect their privacy.
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