5 Mutual Masturbation Mistakes to Avoid

To get the most out of the mutual masturbation experience, steer clear of these common pitfalls

Mutual masturbation can be a great way to give yourself pleasure as you bond with your partner. But only if you do it right. I spoke to five sex and relationship experts who told me the mistakes you should avoid when adding mutual masturbation to your sex life.

Setting Orgasm Goals

An important point to remember about mutual masturbation is that it doesn’t have to be done with the end goal of having an orgasm. Setting the expectation that you will orgasm can put you or your partner on the spot, potentially creating feelings of pressure and performance anxiety that could hinder your experiences of pleasure. You can discuss this with your partner, alongside your other boundaries, to ensure that you don’t create this pressure. If you need a goal, aim for pleasure for the sake of pleasure, and not necessarily orgasm. Goals for orgasm, or attempts to make your masturbation look a certain way to your partner, can put you in your head, leading to more insecure thoughts and less access to pleasure.

-Amy Baldwin, Co-Host of the Shameless Sex Podcast

“Be willing to approach the experience with empathy, love, and curiosity….” — Gigi Engle

Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously

Like many types of sex play, this is a great time to have a good sense of humor about what you are doing. I think one of the mistakes that people make is taking sex too seriously and not focusing on having fun and experiencing pleasure. When it comes to mutual masturbation, remember to keep engaged with your partner. Hold their gaze or keep snuggled up to them. If you want to get in on their solo action, ask first (“Can I try touching you like that?”). And if something awkward happens, laugh it off and move on!

-Searah Deysach, Sex Educator and Owner of feminist sex shop Early to Bed

“If something awkward happens, laugh it off and move on!” — Searah Deysach

Not Sharing the Experience

Mutual masturbation should be just that — mutual. If a couple is simply masturbating side by side, completely absorbed in their own world, it may not be a shared experience, and this can take away from the overall benefits of engaging in mutual play. I highly recommend couples ensure that mutual masturbation is a shared experience by engaging with a form of pornography or erotica that can be shared, but that also appeals to both individuals. Explore audio erotica that intrigues the both of you, and make an effort to reflect and be with your partner throughout the experience. Oftentimes, mutual masturbation can be even more intimate than penetrative sex because it’s a feast for the eyes — don’t shy away from this, or the vulnerability that goes with it. And remember, just because “mutual masturbation” implies self-touch, that doesn’t mean you can’t touch and explore one another too!

-Mia Sabat, in-house certified sex therapist at Emjoy

Unrealistic Expectations

The only real mistakes you can make during mutual masturbation is setting unrealistic expectations. Nothing about sex is ever going to be like porn or erotica. This is real life. This activity can be hot, highly bonding, and very orgasmic, but it is something you’re new to trying. Sex can be weird, awkward, fun, and sometimes we laugh, snort, or cry. Be willing to approach the experience with empathy, love, and curiosity — and you’ll be just fine.

-Certified sex educator and clinical sexologist Gigi Engle

“Goals for orgasm, or attempts to make your masturbation look a certain way to your partner, can put you in your head, leading to more insecure thoughts and less access to pleasure.” — Amy Baldwin

Giving Up Too Soon

The biggest mistake is giving up too fast, getting embarrassed, and ending it. Take your time.

Lower the expectations. Just have fun. The other mistake is feeling like you must orgasm or ejaculate. You can simply enjoy the experience of whatever happens. Remember that your sex life is part of your personal growth. As you age, what you want and like changes. There’s always more pleasure and connection to be had if you keep an open mind and are willing to try new things.

-Intimacy expert Susan Bratton

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