5 Masturbation Beliefs That Can Wreck Your Sex Life

Your partner will thank you for challenging these destructive ideas about masturbation

Masturbation is natural and normal, however, sometimes we hold beliefs about this act of self-love and self-care that can actually be damaging to us — especially when we’re in relationships. Not only are these ideas harmful to us as individuals, but they can also be harmful to our partner and our relationship as a whole. The following are some destructive beliefs about masturbation that are important to challenge and rethink in order to have healthy sexual relationships with our partners — and ourselves.

“My Partner’s Sex Toys Will Replace Me.”

Some people mistakenly believe that it is their responsibility, and only their responsibility, to ensure that their partner is sexually satisfied. As a result, not only does this put a lot of pressure on them to perform, it also causes anxiety and fear when their partner indulges in masturbation — particularly if they use sex toys.

“Many people are under the impression that their partner should be their everything when it comes to experiencing sexual pleasure. A lot of folks have the misconception that it is their partner’s job to provide them with pleasure, or that they shouldn’t have to do it on their own. This misconception can make pleasuring one another feel like more of a high-pressure duty. The truth is it is on us to better understand and take care of ourselves first and foremost, with our partners showing up in more of a complementary supportive role,” explained sex educator Amy Baldwin, Co-Host of the Shameless Sex Podcast. “Buying into the belief that it is a partner’s job to provide pleasure can also create shame around masturbation. This is especially true for a lot of folks who love using sex toys. While sex toys are great tools for easy access to pleasure and orgasm, some folks become consumed by their insecurities, leading to the false belief that the toy will replace them. The truth of the matter is a sex toy is just a bonus, there to enhance sexual experiences and orgasms without the ability to replace a human’s touch or energetic connection.”

“The truth is that you get to decide the kind of role that masturbation plays in your life and in your relationship….” — Caitlin V. Neal

“Masturbation Will Ruin Our Sex Life.”

Some people believe that their sex life is a zero-sum game, so if they are pleasuring themselves, somehow they are taking away from the sex they have with their partner. However, just like the sex you share with your partner, masturbation can be a component of a healthy sex life — and one does not take away from the other.

“Many of us were taught that masturbation is wrong, dirty, or sinful, and that it takes away from the love and eroticism that we share with a partner. This is a harmful misconception based on shame and stigma,” said Caitlin V. Neal, resident sexologist at Royal. “The truth is that you get to decide the kind of role that masturbation plays in your life and in your relationship, and nothing and no one can tell you otherwise.”

“The most common misconception about masturbation is that self-pleasuring reduces the amount of partnered sex a couple might have.” — Susan Bratton

“Masturbation Is Cheating.”

Some people believe that masturbation is not necessary when they’re in a relationship, so they may become deeply threatened if they find out their partner is still masturbating despite being together. These feelings can be so strong that people actually believe that masturbation is a form of betrayal.

“Some people can feel offended or even insulted that their significant other is pursuing solo pleasure — especially once pornography enters the picture. However, these feelings are often misguided. Self-pleasure is the foundation of a healthy sex life: Every intimate moment begins and ends within ourselves, and masturbation embodies this journey. It’s crucial that you accept that you do not own your partner’s sexuality, and that they do not owe you their pleasure. It’s also important to accept that you can’t regulate your partner’s preferences regarding frequency, porn, toys, and more,” said Mia Sabat, in-house certified sex therapist at Emjoy. “If you are struggling, have an open conversation with your partner to understand their preferences. Once you understand where your insecurities are stemming from, see if your partner is willing to help you feel comfortable — be it with trying a new toy, switching to porn that you can both appreciate, or something else entirely. There are plenty of options, from toys to audio erotica, so simply taking the time to communicate your feelings and explore your options will go a long way in making you feel more comfortable and supportive of your partner’s preferences.”

“Masturbation Means You’re Unhappy With Our Relationship.”

For some people, masturbation is not just an act of getting pleasure; it’s a commentary on the relationship itself. When these people find out that their partner masturbates, they believe it’s actually a message to them and a way for their partner to express dissatisfaction in the relationship.

“Couples should know that their partner’s masturbation isn’t a comment about them. They aren’t masturbating because they don’t find their partner attractive, or they want another partner, or they’re dissatisfied with their sex life,” said psychotherapist Jacob Brown. “Probably the most common reason is that they masturbate because they want sex more frequently than the partner and asking for more sex leads to arguments and hurt feelings. So their masturbation is a way to lower the stress in the relationship.”

“It’s crucial that you accept that you do not own your partner’s sexuality….” — Mia Sabat

“Masturbation Will Decrease the Amount of Sex I Have With My Partner.”

This belief comes from the notion that there’s only so much pleasure to go around. As a result, if the person with this belief is masturbating, they’re taking pleasure away that rightfully belongs to their partner. These people think they need to save themselves completely for their significant other — even at the expense of their own self-love.

“The most common misconception about masturbation is that self-pleasuring reduces the amount of partnered sex a couple might have. But this is a ‘fixed pie’ mindset, where the thought is that there’s only so much sex and orgasms a person might want, and if they self-pleasure they are cutting into their partner’s share of sex,” said intimacy expert Susan Bratton. “Instead, an orgasmic abundance mindset means that the more you masturbate, the more turned on you are, the more engorged you are, the more easy it is for you to orgasm, and therefore you net more overall partnered sex by also masturbating.”

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