avatarKiki Wellington

Summary

The article discusses the phenomenon of "procrasturbation," the act of masturbating to procrastinate, and its implications in the workplace, including instances where employees have been caught and the potential benefits of allowing masturbation breaks at work.

Abstract

The concept of "procrasturbation" is explored in the context of workplace productivity and behavior. The article recounts several real-life incidents where individuals have been disciplined or fired for masturbating at work, including a state employee, a judge, and a journalist. It also touches on the legal repercussions for those who have been caught, as well as the impact on colleagues who report such behavior. Despite the taboo and potential for dismissal, the article suggests that masturbation can have productivity benefits, such as stress relief and increased focus, due to the release of hormones like oxytocin and dopamine. This has led to discussions about whether employers should consider allowing masturbation breaks, as exemplified by adult filmmaker Erika Lust, who has implemented such a policy in her company. The article also references a Brazilian court case where an employee with a medical condition was legally permitted to masturbate at work. The piece concludes by acknowledging the potential advantages of masturbation in the workplace while cautioning readers to consider the risks involved.

Opinions

  • The author acknowledges their own experience with procrasturbation, suggesting a level of understanding or acceptance of the practice.
  • The article implies that there may be a double standard in how masturbation at work is perceived and handled, depending on the industry and the individual's position.
  • There is an opinion that masturbation, under appropriate circumstances and without sexual harassment, could be beneficial for work performance and employee well-being.
  • The author quotes psychologist Dr. Cliff Arnall, who supports the idea that masturbation breaks could lead to increased focus, reduced aggression, higher productivity, and a more positive work environment.
  • The article presents Erika Lust's implementation of masturbation breaks as a progressive approach to improving employee satisfaction and performance during the pandemic.
  • The author expresses skepticism about the practicality of masturbation stations at work, including concerns about maintenance and employee reactions.
  • The case of Ana Catarian Bezerra is used to illustrate extreme situations where masturbation at work is medically necessary and legally sanctioned.
  • The article concludes with a cautionary note, reminding readers that despite potential benefits, engaging in masturbation at work could result in job loss.

The Joy of Procrasturbation

Can’t get it up productivity-wise? Try diddling while the office burns

Photo by MarkoAliaksandr on DepositPhotos

“He got fired,” Richard told me about his friend achieving this seemingly Herculean feat of unicorn proportions.

“Fired?” I asked. “What do you mean?”

I could hardly believe it. After all, Richard’s friend had worked for the state for years and from all accounts, short of committing a murder in the Capitol building, you couldn’t be fired from the state.

“He got fired,” Richard repeated.

“But why?”

“He got caught masturbating at work.”

And that is the way of the honeypot, and Richard’s friend had found himself with his hand firmly stuck inside it.

I’ve been known to take a little break and take care of myself.

Of course, he’s far from the only one. There have been numerous news stories of people who have lost their jobs for masturbating at work. Back in 2004, Oklahoma judge Donald D. Thompson was not only forced to resign for using a penis pump while adjudicating cases on the bench, he was convicted of indecent exposure in 2006 and spent 20 months in prison. Just last year, Jeffrey Toobin got fired from The New Yorker for diddling himself during a Zoom work meeting, for which he suffered public ridicule and humiliation, and inspired the term “Zoom Dick.”

In other cases, it isn’t the workplace masturbator that gets fired; it’s the colleagues who have walked in on them. In 2017, Delta Air Lines was sued by two former female employees who were allegedly fired in retaliation for reporting their boss’s habitual masturbation at work. In fact, the lawsuit claims that his escapades were so egregious and well-known that he even joked with coworkers about them, reportedly telling a manager, “I’m horny. Hey Peter, let me sit at your desk and rub one out by the window so everyone could see.” In a similar case filed in 2020 against Marathon Capital, the plaintiff claims she was fired for complaining about her boss masturbating in a conference room.

The Joy of Procrasturbation

Though part of me would like to sit here on a moral high horse and pretend that I’m above all this, and have never succumbed to the impulse to let my fingers do the walking during the workday, that would be an entire lie. Sexual harassment stories aside, on some level, I get it. Luckily for me, I’m self-employed and I work from home, so when I’m trying to write and can’t quite get it up with my inspiration, I’ve been known to take a little break and take care of myself. And usually, after I’ve gotten it out of my system, I find that my writus interruptus is completely gone, and I’m refreshed and ready to get creative.

Until recently, I didn’t realize there is a term for this tendency of mine: procrasturbation. It’s exactly what it sounds like — procrastination by way of masturbation — and it has its benefits, thanks to the numerous hormones and chemicals that our brain releases during orgasm.

“I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling.” — Dr. Cliff Arnall

For example, oxytocin — also known as the “love hormone” — lowers the stress hormone cortisol, as well as blood pressure, leaving us feeling more relaxed and less anxious. Also, the “motivation molecule” dopamine — which is associated with focus, concentration, and motivation — increases during orgasm. As a result, not only does masturbation make us feel great, it actually creates the conditions that can boost our work performance.

“I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling,” psychologist Dr. Cliff Arnall told Metro. “Certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus.”

You Deserve a Masturbation Break Today

Given the benefits, does it make sense for employers to allow people to masturbate at work (with no sexual harassment involved, of course)?

Barcelona-based indie adult filmmaker Erika Lust thinks so, and she’s begun offering the employees of her eponymous company, Erika Lust Films, masturbation breaks for 30 minutes each workday. Those who take advantage of this new perk can take care of business in the company’s new masturbation station.

“With the pandemic and the huge shift in how we live our lives, I began to notice that my employees had become somewhat agitated and were performing with less energy than before,” she explained in an interview. “So knowing that there’s only one thing that will make everyone feel good, I’ve set up a private masturbation station for them to enjoy.”

It was “need to masturbate as much as 47 times a day” severe.

At first blush, you may think, “Well, of course she’s okay with it; she makes adult films for a living.” (On a side note, my first thought was, “Who is going to clean this masturbation station and will they get hazard pay?” But I digress.) However, there is at least one other situation where masturbation at work was officially sanctioned: In 2011, it was reported that a Brazilian accountant, Ana Catarian Bezerra, was granted permission by a court to masturbate at work because she suffered from a medical condition that caused her to have “severe anxiety and hypersexuality.”

How severe? It was “need to masturbate as much as 47 times a day” severe. After winning her court battle, Bezerra was able to take two 15-minute work breaks a day to masturbate and watch porn. Meanwhile, she has gotten treatment and is down to masturbating no more than 18 times a day.

Does all this mean there’s a good case for masturbating at work? Perhaps. So maybe when you’re having a stressful day or your creativity is low, masturbation is the answer. However, I feel obligated to offer this disclaimer: Try it at your own risk; the job you lose may be your own.

More from Kiki Wellington:

Sexuality
Masturbation
Productivity
Work
Sexual Harassment
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