Got Zoom Dick? Try This!
The Dick Sock…not just for the Red Hot Chili Peppers anymore
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
KIKI WELLINGTONLAND, USA — October 20, 2020 — Do you get horny during virtual work meetings? Does the mere thought of entering a Zoom Meeting ID get you hot and bothered? Then chances are, you’re suffering from Zoom Dick and here at The Dick Sock, we have the solution for you.
When the lockdowns started and we heard some rumblings about you, we were willing to give you the benefit of the doubt because we knew you were stressed out adjusting to the shit that 2020 had thrown into our collective laps. When Pornhub made a PSA warning you to stop jerking off in the middle of Zoom meetings, though we thought about looking into ways to help you, we assumed you would stop this shit on your own. When we learned about research that indicated Zoom Dick was running rampant in workplaces around the world, our research and development team got a little bit more serious about finding a solution to help your thirsty, exhibitionistic ass.
But when Jeffrey Toobin decided it was a good idea to diddle himself during a Zoom work meeting, which caused him to get suspended from The New Yorker — as well as make Zoom Dick start trending the Internet — we knew this situation had gotten completely out of control. Whatever is going on during virtual meetings has infected one too many a man, and it’s clearly not going to stop. It was time to act. And the solution was right under our nose…or more specifically, our knees.
Introducing The Dick Sock
“Put it away, put it away, put it away now….”
-Not quite Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Red Hot Chili Peppers made it popular during their live shows — and I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures of them on stage wearing nothing but socks on their cocks as they performed, surely causing everyone to wonder just how long it would take for the tubular cotton to slide down their shafts and give them another kind of show. We all remember that image, and as much as The Dick Sock wanted to use RHCP as a model for our new product, we’re a startup and the price of Getty Images photo licensing is a bit cost prohibitive at the moment. But we got the next best thing:
Since you have made it crystal clear that you have no intention of putting your dick away and putting an end to this foolishness, we have found it necessary to create a form of protection to help. To help protect your coworkers from you, that is. The Dick Sock is a convenient accessory that, much like the mask, is clearly needed for us to get through the duration of this pandemic. The Dick Sock is so easy to use that even someone with impaired judgment caused by Zoom Dick can do it. All it takes is placing this handy dandy piece of fabric on your cock before you start your work day. When you feel the need to tickle the ivories during Zoom meetings, The Dick Sock will quickly alert your coworkers of what’s coming and allow them to either shut off your connection or end the call entirely.
Are you turned on by the hottie in HR? You’re covered!
Are charts and graphs more your peccadillo? You’re covered!
Are you just an idiotic pervert who thinks flashing his coworkers is hilarious? You’re covered!
And you can even dress your dick to impress with different colors! Show off your cock creativity with:
Pink: Nothing shows your soft side like the Pink Dick Sock. It says to your female coworkers, “Hey, despite the fact that I’m about to assault your eyes by masturbating in the middle of our marketing meeting, I’m still a sensitive soul.”
Blue: Reminiscent of the color of your balls, the Blue Dick Sock is bright enough to warn your coworkers that you’re about to whip it out, yet subtle enough to act as subterfuge if you happen to be wearing jeans and you just want to get in a quick rub without fully exposing yourself to colleagues.
Black and white: This Dick Sock is basic, just like you. Because you’d have to be basic to get aroused by anything going on in a business meeting.
Get your Dick Sock today for the low, low price of $10,000 a pair! That may sound steep to some of you suffering from Zoom Dick, but remember, it’s a small price to pay to avoid losing your job, your significant other, and whatever shred of dignity you have left. Plus, not getting caught masturbating in a virtual meeting keeps you from trending Twitter and ending up in the pages of Sex and Satire for everyone to point and laugh at you. And believe us, they will. To quote Piper Laurie in Carrie, “they’re all going to laugh at you, they’re all going to laugh at you, they’re all going to laugh at you….”
Don’t delay! Get your Dick Sock while supplies last!
More from Kiki Wellington:
NB: Special thanks to funny lady Roz Warren, who threw down a gauntlet that inspired me to write this piece.
