Not Tonight, Honey: Common Lies We Tell Our Partner to Avoid Sex

Cutting through the lies to resolve challenging truths

You love your partner. You love sex. But there are times in every relationship when at least one half of a couple doesn’t feel like having sex — and in some cases, they may feel like it’s necessary to tell a little white lie in order to get out of engaging intimately.

The Lies We Tell

“Avoiding sex all together doesn’t help our partner understand our sexual wants and needs.”

According to relationship therapist and sex researcher Sarah Hunter Murray, PhD, RMFT, author of Not Always In the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex & Relationships, lies to get out of having sex don’t have to be extravagant or even detailed. In fact, three of the most common lies that she has observed when working with couples are quick and dirty, and quite mundane.

“I have a headache.” Although this statement is the thing of sitcom punchlines, it’s actually a common lie that is used as a catchall excuse covering anything from someone feeling insecure about their body to being disconnected from their partner in general. “People tell this lie because sometimes it’s easier than saying outright ‘no’ or voicing the real reason at hand, which might be harder to admit or share,” Murray said.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” In some cases, Murray says it’s easier for us to take sole responsibility for not wanting to have sex, rather than going a bit deeper into what the core issues are and how our partner, or the whole relationship dynamic, may be affecting our libido. In these cases, someone would rather carry the entire weight of the problem on their own shoulders than be critical of their partner and risk causing hurt feelings.

“I’m too tired/sick.” While there are obviously times when someone may actually feel too tired or too sick to have sex, this can also be an excuse given to describe simply not being in the mood.

“From my research, this was often an example men gave for not wanting sex initially, but as we dug deeper, they described having little space — socially, in their own mind, in their relationships — to just not be in the mood, to just not feel like having sex, period,” said Murray. “Coming up with a reason or excuse for not wanting sex instead of just admitting a lack of interest at that moment, or a lower interest in general, ends up being essentially a lie.”

To Lie or Not to Lie

Generally speaking, honesty is the best policy when it comes to dealing with any sexual matters in a relationship. The only way to really get to the root of a sex problem is through open and honest communication — and while telling white lies may be expedient at the moment, they don’t address any underlying dynamics that may be causing the intimate disconnect. For example, if you don’t want to have sex because of what you may not be getting in the bedroom, having an excuse at the ready will never resolve the issue.

“If we aren’t in the mood because sexual activity has been too heavily focused on penetration when we really want more oral sex to feel sexual pleasure, avoiding sex all together doesn’t help our partner understand our sexual wants and needs,” Murray explained.

However, Murray notes that there can be some exceptions. In fact, in some cases, a white lie can actually be better for a relationship because the truth may be too hurtful. For example, if you’re not feeling attracted to your partner because they put on weight lately or you feel like their penis isn’t the size you prefer, being honest may be too harsh of a blow and it may be easier to soften it with a handy excuse. Also, if you’re in the heat of an argument, it’s probably not a good time to discuss your sexual dissatisfaction until things have cooled down.

“If we’re feeling highly emotional or worked up — say we’re in a fight — and there is a chance we might communicate our reasons for not being interested in sex in a hurtful or nasty manner, it may be best to tell a little white lie and revisit the underlying cause at another, less sensitive time.”

To Tell the Truth

“We can shift sex from being an elephant in the room to another ordinary — albeit important — topic in our relationship that we can navigate more easily.”

In order to truly fix the problem in your sex life, Murray says it’s important to first start with yourself. If you’re having a problem discussing your feelings about sex, ask yourself why and really think about how you can approach the topic in a way that’s more comfortable.

And when you are ready to navigate the subject of sex, be sure to start the conversation on a complimentary note to set a positive tone for the talk. This can be done by first telling your partner what you do enjoy about your sex life and the things you want to continue doing in the bedroom. Then, once you’ve established this, Murray suggests that you ease into the areas you want to improve and the things you can both work on to help boost your libido. No matter what your specific issue is, Murray says it can be helpful to take the pressure off and approach these conversations like you would any other topic.

“If we approach our interest, or lack thereof, in having sex similar to how we might talk about which restaurant to order in from or what movie we want to watch, we can shift sex from being an elephant in the room to another ordinary — albeit important — topic in our relationship that we can navigate more easily.”

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