9 Ways Listening Benefits Your Relationship and Sex Life

Open your ears, your partner will thank you

We know that communication is the bedrock of any good relationship, but when we think about communication, our concern is usually what we say to our partner. But we should also think about how well we listen to our partner. Good listening skills are also needed to have constructive conversations that help us solve problems and make our relationships stronger — whether we’re having issues related to sex, or any other area of our relationship. The following are nine good reasons to sharpen your listening skills so you can improve your sex life and overall relationship.

Listening Shows You Care

Although we heavily focus on our verbal communication to express our feelings, according to marriage and family psychotherapist Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage: The Essentials for Long-Lasting Togetherness*, really listening to your partner is an important way to show that you care about them — and what they have to say.

“When we feel truly heard in a discussion, in an argument, in decision-making with our partner, we are more likely to engage in caring and loving habits towards our partner. We are not using energy to try and get attention, energy that is better used, for example, in having sex and sharing household chores,” she said. “Ultimately, partners need to be listened to in keeping away from resentments forming and silence taking over.”

Listening Increases Trust in a Relationship

The more we listen to our partner, the more we understand them. The more we understand them, the more information they’ll be willing to tell us, and the closer the relationship will become. As a result, listening can build the trust we need to strengthen our emotional and sexual bond with our partner.

“People sometimes want to go into fix it or suggestion mode, when sometimes partners just want to be heard.” — Mindie Kaplan

“When we truly listen to our partners with presence, it creates trust and safety. Sex is very intimate and feeling safe and having trust in your partner is incredibly important in the bedroom — especially when it comes to sharing sexual desires or sharing something they might be afraid to share,” said sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. “Creating a safe and trusting space for your partner to share and be truly heard can create a much deeper intimacy.”

Listening Helps You Grow Closer

As you disclose information to your partner, if they express that they understand and support you, it helps your relationship become closer. Good listening skills are an integral part of this growth process.

“Listening can improve a couple’s connection, creating a safe space for conflict, disagreement, appreciation, and validation. When we can trust that our partner is actually listening to us, and not about to judge what we say, we are more likely to talk about what’s on our minds — the good things and the bad,” said licensed therapist Heather Rashal, LMHC, who is a writer for Choosing Therapy. “When we can trust the safe space with our partner, we are more likely to want to spend time with them, to connect with them in other ways than just talking. We can enjoy our partners’ company without feeling like we’re walking on eggshells.”

Listening Can Lead to Mutual Satisfaction

No matter how close we are with our partner, we are not in a position to guess what they want in bed all the time. If we’re listening to what they tell us about their desires, we don’t have to play mind reader.

“When listening is done well, both partners can feel that they have gained something from the other and it creates a feeling of a win-win situation.” — John Kenny

“Listening when a partner is speaking their true feelings, wants, and desires in regards to their sexuality opens the door to a mutual understanding of what it’ll take for each person to reach their peak intimacy,” said intimacy coach Ro Sanchez. “It completely eliminates the wondering factor of ‘are they really into what I’m doing?’ More importantly, it also allows for sexual exploration, which helps eliminate the dreaded ‘same boring sex as always.’”

Listening Prevents Miscommunications

When you have the courage to disclose your emotions to your partner, it can be horrible to find out that they have not interpreted what you said in the way you meant it. One way to prevent these kinds of problems, and ensure that you’re really heard when it’s time to work together as a team, is for both partners to make sure they’re really listening to each other.

“If you take turns listening to each other in conversations, and exercise patience with one another, it can allow for better communication when making important decisions together further down the road,” said relationship and dating expert Lauren Peacock, author of Female. Likes Cheese. Comes with Dog.: Stories About Divorce, Dating, and Saying “I Do”.

Listening Helps You Respond in the Best Way

Oftentimes, people don’t listen to understand, they listen just enough to formulate their own responses to someone. But according to relationship coach John Kenny, to respond appropriately to what your partner is saying, you need to really actively listen.

“When we feel truly heard in a discussion, in an argument, in decision-making with our partner, we are more likely to engage in caring and loving habits towards our partner.” — Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill

“Everyone likes to be heard and by listening to one another, we feel that the other person is placing an importance on what we say. This enables people to be less defensive and more open, leading to a deeper connection and closeness. You are sure of what the other person has meant to say and can respond appropriately,” Kenny said. “There will be less conflict and more cooperation as listening to one another saves on confusion, frustration, and defensive behaviors. It shows a level of respect, which is an under talked about problem for relationships and key to a healthy one. When listening is done well, both partners can feel that they have gained something from the other and it creates a feeling of a win-win situation.”

Listening Can Help You Be a Supportive Partner

Sometimes people want advice, and sometimes people just want to vent their frustrations. Listening allows you to tell the difference, so you can give your partner the support they need in each moment.

“Being a good listener can provide encouragement and stronger communication. People sometimes want to go into fix it or suggestion mode, when sometimes partners just want to be heard,” said Mindie Kaplan, Founder of MaleRoom. “A combination of listening and asking questions can help someone vent and move through it, versus jumping into solving it. It can also help you understand your partner better and show up in the best way for them.”

Listening Creates a New Level of Sexual Support

By listening to your partner, you are creating an environment where they feel supported — both emotionally and sexually. This can help you give your partner what they need based on how they’re feeling in the moment.

“Listening when a partner is speaking their true feelings, wants, and desires in regards to their sexuality opens the door to a mutual understanding of what it’ll take for each person to reach their peak intimacy.” — Ro Sanchez

“When you listen to your partner, it helps you gauge where they are emotionally,” said Menezes. “For instance, listening to your partner can show you what kind of emotional state they’re in. Let’s say you were planning on having sex that night and they had a really stressful day. By listening and being able to read their emotional state, you can create a supportive environment for them to relax into and check in with them whether they are a full yes for sex tonight or you could offer something that could feel more relaxed before sex, such as a massage.”

Listening Helps Add a Sense of Play to Your Sex Life

When you’re in the bedroom, it’s important to have an element of play with your passion. According to Megwyn White, Certified Clinical Sexologist and Director of Education for Satisfyer, you can combine listening to your partner’s desires with sex toys to add this level of fun to your sex life.

“Sometimes sensual tools and sex tech invite a new dimension of listening by adding new sensory information,” said White. “They can actually be an amazing communication tool by inviting you and your partner to explore new erotic zones and experience stimulation you may not be accustomed to, while offering a medium through which you can express verbally and nonverbally. They also give us a fabulous reason to have conversations around pleasure and can serve as a bridge to inviting our hidden desires to the surface.”

*This article contains affiliate links.

More from Kiki Wellington: