What Is Reflective Listening?

How this listening technique can increase understanding in your relationship

Listening to your partner is an extremely important, and challenging, skill to master in order to get the most out of the relationship. One type of listening in particular, reflective listening, can be extremely beneficial as it helps us get to the heart of what our partner is saying and deepens our understanding. In order to learn exactly how reflective listening works, I interviewed marriage and family therapist Nick Bognar.

What is reflective listening? Why is it important in relationships?

Reflective listening is the skill of deliberately listening to your partner with the intention of understanding their position, and then reflecting it back to them to make sure that you do, in fact, understand what they think, believe, and experience. It’s really important, because we need to feel seen, understood, and validated by those we love. Assuming we’re not delusional, everyone’s perspective is sensible and reasonable. Even if we don’t end up agreeing, everyone has a point. Most disagreements between couples are not technically resolvable — but if it feels like you understand me, it’s much easier for me to compromise, and vice versa, and we will feel more connected.

How do relationships benefit from reflective listening?

Relationships benefit from reflective listening because the couple stays connected, and the relationship is stronger and more important than whatever the disagreement was. Additionally, even if there is a major disagreement, or a failure to compromise, reflective listening makes it easier to repair — that’s the therapy word for make up — after the argument.

“Understanding your partner’s position is not the same as adopting it.”

How can reflective listening be used to resolve conflict in a relationship?

In order to use reflective listening, you have to start by accepting that understanding your partner’s position is not the same as adopting it. It’s also helpful to remember that it’s an act of kindness for partners to listen to one another and put in the work to understand each other. When you start from that vantage point, the next step is to get really curious about your partner’s viewpoint.

For example:

Partner 1: I’m not understanding why spending Thanksgiving with your parents is so important to you, and I really want to understand it. What about this is really meaningful to you?

Partner 2: Since I was a kid, Thanksgiving was always a big deal in our household. My dad gets really excited for it and decorates everything. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Plus, it might be the last year I get to see my dog, who we had since I was 15. The whole family will be upset if I don’t show.

Partner 1: What I’m hearing is that this is a really important tradition for your whole family, and it means a lot especially to your dad. You’re also worried that you won’t get to pet your dog again before he dies. Did I get that right, or is there a better way to say it?

Partner 2: That’s most of it, but also I feel a lot of pressure to show up because I think the whole family might be mad if I don’t spend it with them.

Partner 1: I hear you. The entire family could be angry if you don’t show up for this, and that stresses you out.

And then Partner 2 listens to Partner 1’s point. Partner 2’s worries about their family pressures and the dog are sensible. Partner 1 is terrified that they may expose themselves to COVID-19 if they visit for Thanksgiving. Both of them have a point. Both of them make sense. They will probably have to compromise, and they may never agree with each other. But in the process of this discussion, they will feel seen and heard, and connected. And ultimately, that’s what saves and strengthens relationships.

“It’s an act of kindness for partners to listen to one another and put in the work to understand each other.”

What happens in a conversation when we’re not practicing reflective listening?

When couples aren’t practicing reflective listening, here’s how that conversation goes:

Partner 1: I am not going to your parents’ house for Thanksgiving, and you’re not either. It’s insane to do any kind of gathering during this pandemic.

Partner 2: Thanksgiving is important to me! I don’t know if I’ll ever see Sparky again, and —

Partner 1: We can see him in heaven, if we go visit your folks and get sick.

Partner 2: My mother will be so mad.

Partner 1: I don’t give a shit what your mother thinks. She’s not worth getting sick for. Why are you being crazy?

Partner 2: Why are you acting like an asshole?

Both Partners: [Silence]

How can people learn to do reflective listening and practice it in their everyday life?

The fastest and easiest way to learn and practice reflective listening is to see a couples counselor and practice it inside and outside of session. The therapist is particularly helpful because the structure of the session usually keeps people from storming out or ending the conversation. If things get really heated, the counselor can defuse the anger in the conversation and set the couple on the right track. It’s also helpful that the therapist can be on the lookout for passive aggressive behavior, which can be tempting when one is trying to practice reflective listening but is also really, really pissed off.

However, if counseling is not an option, then I would recommend that people remember that doing the work to understand your partner is not the same as agreeing with them. It is an act of generosity. My partner is not delusional, and their perspective is sensible. I want to learn about it, so that my partner can feel better, and be in a better place to understand me.

What mistakes can couples make with reflective listening?

Reflective listening is a nuanced skill, and it’s harder to execute than it sounds. It takes a lot of practice. Very few people are naturally adept at it. People can get really, really mad, and charged. I think if you’re attempting reflective listening and you find yourself getting really angry, take a break and come back to it. There are levels of anger we’re capable of where nothing will get done, no matter how skilled we are. It can be tempting to be passive aggressive or contemptuous — that’s something I often have to intervene with for couples who are practicing this in my office. “I heard that seeing the dog is really important — more important than my health.” Is it reflective? Yes. Is it kind and connected? No.

Implicit in the act of reflective listening is the belief that my partner is on my side, and I’m on theirs. Even if we get mad, my partner is still number one, and they love me. I love them, and so I will privilege that fact above my anger in the moment.

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