5 Ways to Ask for What You Want in Bed
And increase your chances of actually getting it
No matter how good your sex life is, there is always room for improvement and chances are, your partner may not be giving you everything you want. Oftentimes this boils down to one thing: You simply don’t ask. Whether you’re afraid of how your partner will react or you feel generally nervous about putting your desires into words, it’s important to have these conversations — uncomfortable though they may be. These five expert tips can help make it easier for you to ask for what you want in the bedroom…and increase your chances of getting the pleasure you desire.
Pick the Right Time
It can be difficult to figure out the right time to bring up the issue of what you want in the bedroom, but according to Mia Sabat, in-house certified sex therapist at Emjoy, the absolute worst time is when you’re in the middle of doing the deed.
“While it might be tempting to tell your partner about your preferences ‘in the moment’, this is not always the time to engage in a constructive conversation about pleasure. Not only will it kill the mood, but it’ll make your partner feel vulnerable, defensive, and possibly even insulted — and no one wants that,” said Sabat. “Instead, start a conversation outside of the bedroom, and approach all conversations about pleasure preferences openly and honestly. Make sure you both have enough time to discuss these preferences while in a private place — this will help you avoid distractions, and ensure you both have an open mind to connect with one another without being pressured for time. If you think your partner might be startled by the topic, let them know in advance that you’d like to discuss both your pleasure preferences later that day so they’re able to prepare mentally, and enter the conversation with a healthy and positive mindset.”
Leave Pain and Frustration Out of the Conversation
Although you may feel frustration, or even pain, because you are not getting what you want from your partner sexually, according to Lovehoney sex and relationship expert Dr. Megan Fleming, PhD, it’s important to do your best to leave those feelings out of the conversation and express your desires in a more positive way so your partner will be more receptive to fulfilling them.
“You can’t make a good meal without someone giving you the recipe, and the same goes for good sex.” — Mia Sabat
“Oftentimes people have a tendency to focus on the frustration or the pain. What would help is if we express ourselves from the wish and the longing,” Fleming explained. “Say things like, ‘I really like it when you give me this, could you stay there a little longer?’ This way, we get to direct and help our partners out and show our partners what we want.”
Give Positive Feedback
Just as it is uncomfortable at times to tell your partner what you want, it can be equally awkward for your partner to hear your request — especially if it sounds like a criticism. To prevent any bad feelings during the conversation, focus on the things in your sex life that you enjoy and how adding a little bit more spice will make you like it even more.
“It’s this concept of sharing more of what you do like as opposed to pointing out what you don’t like,” said licensed marriage and family therapist Natalie Finegood Goldberg. “It takes a lot of conscious energy to frame all of your thoughts in that way, and if you’re having a candid conversation, it’s hard to know do I say this positively versus not saying I don’t like this.”
Act Like a Little Birdie Told You
If directly telling your partner what you want feels too uncomfortable, another way to approach the topic is by framing it as if you heard an idea from somewhere else. That way, you can still make your request, but express it in a way that makes you feel a little less vulnerable.
“What would help is if we express ourselves from the wish and the longing.” — Dr. Megan Fleming
“You can always find something external to yourself to be like, ‘oh I read this, my best friend shared this with me, what do you think?’” Fleming said.
Don’t Expect Mind Reading
No matter how long you’ve been with your partner and how well you know each other, it’s important to remember that they can’t read your mind and sometimes they simply won’t know exactly what you want in the bedroom.
“Many of us are so acquainted with our bodies that we sometimes forget our partner can’t read our mind. We all prefer different techniques and levels of pressure, and we all have different turn-ons, fantasies, and desires. The best way to ensure your partner understands your preferences is to simply tell them — and ask them what their preferences are too,” Sabat said. “We’re often sold the idea of instantly experiencing mind-boggling sex through films, books, and other forms of fantasy, but it’s important to separate those from reality. You can’t make a good meal without someone giving you the recipe, and the same goes for good sex. A balanced conversation and clear instructions are the best way to make sure you both have a mutually satisfying sex life.”
“It’s this concept of sharing more of what you do like as opposed to pointing out what you don’t like.” — Natalie Finegood Goldberg
Although having a conversation about what you want sexually can seem intimidating, or even terrifying, Fleming says the good news is, these talks are usually never as bad as you imagine they’re going to be.
“These are difficult conversations, but almost anything we imagine to be hard or difficult in reality, when you do it, it’s never as bad as you think,” Fleming said. “And in this context, more often than not, your partner is thinking a similar thing, and both of you don’t know how to introduce it — so there’s almost kind of like an exhale, we’ve got a space that we can talk about what we like and what we want to try.”
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