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tners will appreciate.</p><p id="640e" type="7">“Oftentimes we touch people in the way that we want to be touched.” — Natalie Finegood Goldberg</p><p id="0557">“Where does the belief come from that <a href="https://readmedium.com/10-weird-objects-removed-from-peoples-butts-97bb5037c29f">anal</a> sex is gross? Where does the belief come from that swallowing is gross? With anything that you’re opposed to, there are plenty of things that we’re taught are sort of on the fringe or unacceptable. Whatever the opposition that you feel is, just kind of check in and ask where it comes from,” she said. “And that’s not to say that everybody should be down to do everything — everybody is entitled to their preferences — but I also believe that so many people have these preconceived notions about things, and they judge, and it’s like don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. And if you’ve tried it and you decide that you don’t like it, then that’s fine, but I think people have a lot of beliefs around sexual acts and so they don’t try them as a result.”</p><h2 id="c52d">Take One Step At a Time</h2><p id="d701">Great sex is a marathon and not a sprint, and as you learn what your partner likes and wants from you, you may feel overwhelmed — especially if you want to try something you’ve never done before with them. However, remember that you don’t have to take on everything in one night. You can absolutely do things one step at a time and build on each new technique as you go along.</p><p id="021c">“Ask your partner what they’d like to experience differently, or what isn’t working, and be open and thoughtful in sharing your thoughts on the same questions. If this sounds overwhelming, take it one step at a time: Start with one thing you’d like to change, and go from there,” said Mia Sabat, in-house certified sex therapist at <a href="https://www.letsemjoy.com/">Emjoy</a>. “More often than not, people are ready and willing to share their preferences. Remove your ego from the occasion and ask your partner to detail what they want, how they want it, and what they do not want.”</p><h2 id="dcce">Try and Try Again</h2><p id="d705">It can be disappointing to try something when you’re hot and bothered for it only to fall flat. But that doesn’t mean you can’t master a certain technique over time. If things don’t go the way you planned when you try something new with your partner, keep trying until you either figure out how to do it or decide you don’t like it.</p><p id="b1da">“The first time that we try anything new, we’re sort of observing and spectating ourselves — how’s it going, what do I think, what’s my partner thinking,” said Fleming. “We’re in our heads, we’re not in relaxation, and we’re not fully in the moment as much, so I definitely say to couples if you’re doing something new, try, try again.”</p><p id="7131" type="7">“We don’t start as experts and so anytime you’re trying something new in your sexual relationship, it’s so important to realize that there’s going to be normal anxiety or discomfort there.” — Dr. Megan Fleming, PhD</p><h2 id="fba9">Tell, Don’t Show</h2><p id="f87b">Sometimes it’s difficult for people to verbal

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ize what they want in bed, so they may indirectly request a certain thing by acting it out during lovemaking. However, we can’t assume that our partner understands what we’re trying to <a href="https://readmedium.com/3-ways-to-use-emojis-when-communicating-with-potential-partners-on-dating-sites-c779e8d4219e">communicate</a>, so it’s important to explicitly explain what we want and not leave our partner guessing.</p><p id="4364">“Oftentimes we touch people in the way that we want to be touched,” said Goldberg. “I always encourage people to bear in mind that you may be touching your partner the way you want to be touched, but do they know how you want to be touched? Rather than communicating via your own touch, communicate verbally so that they really know.”</p><p id="6599">While all of these tips are helpful and can change your experience with your partner, it’s also important to remember that there are no clear-cut rules when it comes to being a great lover. You and your partner decide what makes for a great sexual experience and as you learn more and experiment, you can improve based on <i>your</i> definition, not anyone else’s.</p><p id="3dbd"><b><i>More from Kiki Wellington:</i></b></p><div id="71b3" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/4-types-of-communication-noise-to-avoid-in-your-relationship-f7b3a25491d4"> <div> <div> <h2>Boo! 4 Scary Noises to Avoid in Your Relationship</h2> <div><h3>Don’t let communication noise lead to relationship frights.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*CWCxMBtW2Z1TJB5HHfq7Cw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="e7a3" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/7-sex-new-years-resolutions-that-you-ll-want-to-keep-fa01eccb8837"> <div> <div> <h2>7 Sex Resolutions That You’ll Want to Keep</h2> <div><h3>Spruce up your sex life in 2021 and beyond</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*cJUrANVVVZhhb3HUqqPniA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="1f5a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/7-relationship-habits-to-leave-in-2020-relationship-new-years-resolutions-307b7b3c3eb1"> <div> <div> <h2>7 Relationship Habits to Leave in 2020</h2> <div><h3>Ditch these behaviors to improve your relationship in 2021 and beyond</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*acScLI3EdWsjCE3Y2wsm6g.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

You Don’t Have to Suck in the Sack! Try These Five Expert Tips to Improve As a Lover

Your partner will definitely thank you

Okay, that title is a bit too harsh. Of course you don’t really suck in the sack. After all, what is considered good lovemaking is highly subjective and one partner’s trash is another partner’s treasure. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for improvement and sex skills that we can all benefit from learning. In order to find out how to boost our performance in bed, I spoke to three sex and relationship experts and the following are the insights they gave me.

“Remove your ego from the occasion and ask your partner to detail what they want, how they want it, and what they do not want.” — Mia Sabat

Go Adolescent

We all want to think that we’re skilled when it comes to what we’re doing in bed, so admitting that we have a lot more to learn can make us feel uncomfortable. After all, projecting confidence is sexy. But in order to take our skills to the next level, it’s important to accept that we don’t know everything and, if we have a supportive partner, we can give ourselves the permission to, as Lovehoney sex and relationship expert Dr. Megan Fleming, PhD, describes it, “go adolescent” to grow as a sex partner.

“We don’t start as experts and so anytime you’re trying something new in your sexual relationship, it’s so important to realize that there’s going to be normal anxiety or discomfort there. If you’re in it together and your relationship is a safe space, I think it’s really about creating that safety for one another and realizing you can go adolescent on it,” Fleming explained. “Nobody likes to feel adolescent because it’s awkward and uncomfortable, but growth always comes from discomfort, so really I think we should educate ourselves that great sex is a skill in many ways and as with other skills, we’re not taught them, but they absolutely can be learned.”

Challenge Your Thinking

A lot of what hinders us when trying to become better lovers relates to the beliefs we have about certain sex acts. Licensed marriage and family therapist Natalie Finegood Goldberg suggests that we challenge these beliefs to figure out why we have them, and where they came from, so that we can grow as lovers. During this process, we may actually be able to add new techniques to our sexual repertoire that our partners will appreciate.

“Oftentimes we touch people in the way that we want to be touched.” — Natalie Finegood Goldberg

“Where does the belief come from that anal sex is gross? Where does the belief come from that swallowing is gross? With anything that you’re opposed to, there are plenty of things that we’re taught are sort of on the fringe or unacceptable. Whatever the opposition that you feel is, just kind of check in and ask where it comes from,” she said. “And that’s not to say that everybody should be down to do everything — everybody is entitled to their preferences — but I also believe that so many people have these preconceived notions about things, and they judge, and it’s like don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. And if you’ve tried it and you decide that you don’t like it, then that’s fine, but I think people have a lot of beliefs around sexual acts and so they don’t try them as a result.”

Take One Step At a Time

Great sex is a marathon and not a sprint, and as you learn what your partner likes and wants from you, you may feel overwhelmed — especially if you want to try something you’ve never done before with them. However, remember that you don’t have to take on everything in one night. You can absolutely do things one step at a time and build on each new technique as you go along.

“Ask your partner what they’d like to experience differently, or what isn’t working, and be open and thoughtful in sharing your thoughts on the same questions. If this sounds overwhelming, take it one step at a time: Start with one thing you’d like to change, and go from there,” said Mia Sabat, in-house certified sex therapist at Emjoy. “More often than not, people are ready and willing to share their preferences. Remove your ego from the occasion and ask your partner to detail what they want, how they want it, and what they do not want.”

Try and Try Again

It can be disappointing to try something when you’re hot and bothered for it only to fall flat. But that doesn’t mean you can’t master a certain technique over time. If things don’t go the way you planned when you try something new with your partner, keep trying until you either figure out how to do it or decide you don’t like it.

“The first time that we try anything new, we’re sort of observing and spectating ourselves — how’s it going, what do I think, what’s my partner thinking,” said Fleming. “We’re in our heads, we’re not in relaxation, and we’re not fully in the moment as much, so I definitely say to couples if you’re doing something new, try, try again.”

Tell, Don’t Show

Sometimes it’s difficult for people to verbalize what they want in bed, so they may indirectly request a certain thing by acting it out during lovemaking. However, we can’t assume that our partner understands what we’re trying to communicate, so it’s important to explicitly explain what we want and not leave our partner guessing.

“Oftentimes we touch people in the way that we want to be touched,” said Goldberg. “I always encourage people to bear in mind that you may be touching your partner the way you want to be touched, but do they know how you want to be touched? Rather than communicating via your own touch, communicate verbally so that they really know.”

While all of these tips are helpful and can change your experience with your partner, it’s also important to remember that there are no clear-cut rules when it comes to being a great lover. You and your partner decide what makes for a great sexual experience and as you learn more and experiment, you can improve based on your definition, not anyone else’s.