7 Relationship Habits to Leave in 2020
Ditch these behaviors to improve your relationship in 2021 and beyond
The new year is always a time for new beginnings, and more than ever, people are definitely looking forward to a change. You may have even put together some resolutions to help you make this year better than the last, but have you also thought about what you can do for your relationship? There are many bad habits that we can develop in our relationships, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take steps in order to let them go and cultivate new behaviors that will make our relationships more rewarding. As you make your resolutions for 2021, consider adding these items to your list. Your relationship may thank you for it.
The habit: Over-apologizing
The problem: While it’s necessary to apologize to your partner at times, and it can be part of a healthy relationship, apologizing even when you haven’t done anything wrong can actually be a detriment. This is because habitual apologizing can make your partner feel uncomfortable and they may question the sincerity of your apologies when they are actually warranted.
The change: Reframe your statement
How to do it: “Next time you feel the need to apologize for something small, one small trick to try is substituting your apology with expressions of gratitude,” said Rachel Firpo, Researcher at dfusion Inc., a company that conducts research on behavioral change models. “Instead of saying, ‘Sorry that took me so long,’ substitute it with, ‘Thank you for your patience.’ It relieves unnecessary guilt from both parties and strengthens the relationship by supporting positive behaviors.”
The habit: Rescuing
The problem: “Culturally we are taught to self-sacrifice to show how much we care about someone, and to prove our love and commitment. However, our positive intentions often come with implicit expectations: We assume that our efforts will make our partner feel or behave a certain way, and our endeavors will produce an outcome to our liking. We hope our work will be reciprocated and we will get what we want,” said Sara Russell, Relationship Coach at Skills For Change. “Unfortunately, this vague, indirect way of communicating our preferences forces our partner into a position of needing to become a mind reader in order to interpret our motives and guess our presumptions. The result is greater discontent and disconnection because we haven’t been clear on how we are feeling and thinking, and we begin to feel burnt out, overwhelmed, and hopeless. Too much rescuing is incredibly depleting, and we lose our capacity to be creative problem solvers and generous partners.”
The change: Be direct about what you want
How to do it: “The antidote to rescuing is to ask directly for what we want and need. We pause, and do an internal reflection on our preferences, expectations, and standards, and then communicate them to our partner,” Russell said. “We can be clear about our capacity, and be honest about how we are feeling. From there, we can negotiate for more mutually satisfying agreements.”
The habit: Being condescending
The problem: “This degrades your partner. It strips them of their autonomy and makes them feel like a scolded child in the hands of an unhappy parent,” said Chloe Ballatore, author of How to Live: Find Love and Keep It*. It also destroys sexual chemistry. People don’t want to have sex with a parent.
The change: Improve communication with your partner
How to do it: “Make your own statement about your feelings and thoughts, and solicit your partner’s,” said Ballatore. “Be vigilant about doing this during sticky situations or awkward incidents. You must communicate with each other, not run from communication.”
The habit: Not showing gratitude to your partner
The problem: When you don’t show gratitude to your partner, they may begin to feel taken for granted and over time, this can lead to resentment.
The change: Start with the small things
How to do it: “If the couple lacks the habit of showing gratitude, they can begin by making note of things their partner has done for them throughout the day, and show gratitude for it at the end of the day or as they see the appreciated behavior unfold,” said Stephania Cruz, relationship expert at Datingpilot.com. “Gratitude can also encourage your partner to continue the likable and desired behaviors.”
The habit: Being too relaxed
The problem: “This is not about being relaxed, natural and being yourself, instead, being too relaxed with your partner is about failing to maintain your best in the relationship. With so many demands put upon us, it is easy to give others and our workplace our greatest efforts, but give our partner the dregs of what we have left,” said marriage counselor and sex therapist Andrew Aaron, LICSW. “The effect of this habit is that partners come to feel being taken for granted. It’s effortless to get sloppy with the one we see every day and for them to get our worst.”
The change: Problem-solving communication
How to do it: Aaron suggests that couples have regular conversations about the quality of their relationship, and agree that they both need to put effort into it. These talks can help to create realistic expectations about the work that is needed to have a rewarding relationship.
The habit: Spending too much time on mobile devices
The problem: “It is easy to mindlessly scroll through social media on your phone or keep your laptop open all evening checking emails — especially in today’s world where many people are working remotely — but when you are constantly focused on your devices, you lose focus of your partner,” said Amber Artis, CEO and Certified Matchmaker at Select Date Society. “When your partner feels disconnected, they will grow resentful.”
The change: Decrease time on mobile devices in favor of quality time
How to do it: “I tell couples to share one to two hours together each night without distractions,” Artis said. “Make time to connect with each other.”
The habit: Not actively listening
The problem: “Regardless of how unimportant you think your spouse’s colleague at-work drama is, listening actively shows your concern about their day,” said relationship expert Sandra Larson, Co-Founder of My Sex Toy Guide. “Poor listening broods assumptions and misunderstandings that often lead to hurt feelings. Your partner feels unimportant and undervalued, further deteriorating trust, and weakening communication.”
The change: Avoid using conversational filler
How to do it: “Avoid using ‘mhm’, ‘oh’, and other filler words to disguise your disinterest,” Larson said. “Instead, listen to the story and make relevant contributions.”
People generally begin the new year with a sense of hope and excitement. By trying these tips, you can bring that excitement into your relationship and help it get better than ever.
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