Will a Dumped Covert Narcissist Get Over You Quickly?
No, but not for the reasons you think
I so get it.
Even though you left, you think about the narcissist all the time. You agonize over what you did and said, over whether you could have handled things differently. Even though it took all the strength that you had to leave a relationship you knew was killing you, you wish it was different. You wish you could be together. You wonder if you’ll ever get over them.
You wonder if they’ll ever get over you.
Disordered vs not disordered
It’s so common to expect a narcissist to think, feel, and behave as a neurotypical person would, to project onto them what you’re thinking and feeling.
- You know you can’t just turn love off. You assume it’s the same for them.
- You think about them all the time. You assume they think about you.
- You miss them and believe they must miss you.
Then you’re shocked by their behavior. It’s not what you expected at all.
A narcissist’s disorder impacts their thoughts, feelings, and behavior. They will not think, feel, and behave like you do. (They also don’t have the trauma bond that you do, that prolongs your misery.)
Narcissists are motivated by two things:
- Narcissistic supply
- Preservation of their idealized self and made-up reality
Narcissists also don’t see you (or anyone else) as a person with feelings, hopes, desires, and dreams. The narcissist never loved you because they don’t know what love is.
In the beginning, they idealize you, believing you will provide supply and reinforce their false self and false narrative. Once you are no longer willing or able to do that, they feel disappointed or betrayed.
The overt narcissist
An overt narcissist will often beat you to the punch. They will replace you as a source of supply before you have the opportunity to disappoint them. It’s kind of like, “I’ll dump you before you can dump me,” or “I’ll cheat on you before you can cheat on me.”
It’s self-preservation at its finest.
Remember, narcissists created their persona to avoid feeling the deep-seated shame held by their true self. When you cheat on them, leave them, or talk to them about their abusive behavior, they touch that buried shame and it causes narcissistic injury, narcissistic rage, even narcissistic collapse.
An overt narcissist will seek to end this pain as quickly as possible and the fastest way to do this is with a new source of supply. Once they’ve secured that source, (or several new sources), they no longer need you.
The harsh truth is, they never wanted you. They wanted what you provided. Someone else has now unknowingly taken that role.
The overt narcissist may try to hoover you — not because they love you, but because they want you as a backup source of supply. They know, consciously or subconsciously, that all good things must come to an end and when their new source of supply is no longer cutting it, they may need supply from you. It’s easier than finding someone new. You’re already trained.
When you interpret their actions through a distorted lens, it appears that they haven’t gotten over you. But the reality is, they were never with you.
The covert narcissist approaches things differently
The covert narcissist is also motivated by narcissistic supply and preserving their persona and made-up version of reality. They are also hiding from deep-seated shame — shame about the truth of who they are.
In the beginning, the covert narcissist believes you are the one — the one to ensure they never feel that agonizing shame again. You see them as the person they wish they were. You believe their world is real. You couldn’t be more perfect.
The covert narcissist completely idolizes you — puts you on a pedestal. It’s as if you can do no wrong.
They believe you’re “the one” and want to marry you before someone else can. They are in this relationship for the long haul.
That sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? Not once you realize they don’t love YOU. They love their idealized version of you — the version that sees them as an amazing blend of both hero and victim.
Once you start calling them out on their “untruths,” their inconsistencies, their passive-aggression, their put-downs, their lack of accountability, and more, you are no longer who they thought you were.
They now feel hugely betrayed — violated even. It’s as if you’d been lying to them about who you were all along. They cannot believe you would do this to them. You’re now “all bad,” as they lack whole object relations and object constancy.
While you are “all bad,” they want nothing to do with you. It is so over. And if their mask has slipped, you’ve become the enemy that must be neutralized.
Once you flip back to “all good,” the covert narcissist’s persona believes again that you can do no wrong. They may “carry a torch” for you forever. This is the delightful Dr Jekyll. Mr Hyde, on the other hand, is ready to take you down whenever necessary.
The toxic relationship that was never meant to be
The sad reality is, no matter how large the torch, they are unable to create and maintain a healthy relationship — with you or anyone else.
While you are trauma bonded, this is an excruciatingly painful truth. Once you break the trauma bond, you see them clearly for who they are. You are able to see them with compassion and keep yourself safe at the same time.
Once YOU are over the narcissist, you’re free.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may help you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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