If Narcissists Lack Object Constancy, How Can They Want You Back?

Maybe they’re not really a narcissist?

You’re hoping, right?

You’ve read that narcissists lack object constancy. Yet your partner hoovers you after every discard, even after having blocked you.

They obviously remember you. Maybe this means they’re not a narcissist. Fingers crossed.

There are more things wrong with this way of thinking than one can count, but let’s start with understanding the narcissist mind and object constancy.

Object permanence vs object constancy

Object permanence is the knowledge or understanding that people or things still exist even when you can’t see or hear them. This developmental milestone is achieved at around 9 months of age, when children start…

• looking for the toy you put under their blanket
• watching for you to come back when you leave the room
• looking over their tray for food they drop on the floor
• playing peekaboo

Though they sound similar, object permanence is entirely different from object constancy.

Object constancy is the ability to see someone (yourself included) as having both good and bad qualities, strengths, and weaknesses.

When you have object constancy and you make a mistake or have a major setback, you might think to yourself,

• “I learned from the experience. I am grateful for those lessons.”
• “I am a good speaker. I’ll apply for another opportunity.”
• “I missed paying this bill but have always been responsible. How can I improve my systems?”

Narcissists lack this skillset. They see someone (themselves included) as all good or all bad. They can flip on this viewpoint within moments.

The narcissist can tell say, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” in one moment and truly mean it. They can then say, “I wish I’d never met you,” and mean it the next. In their mind, you have flipped from all good to all bad. They feel deceived.

When they see you as “all good,” again they forget about the bad times. It’s as if those memories no longer exist. They don’t remember feeling negatively about you and they don’t remember being hurtful. This is how when you bring up those memories they can convincingly say, “That doesn’t sound like me.”

Likewise, when they see you as “all bad,” they forget about the good times and your good qualities. This is when you’ll hear,

• “You never loved me.”
• “You are a horrible person.”
• “You’ve been using me all along.”

To be clear, the narcissist sees themselves the same way — all good or all bad. When you point out something they’ve done wrong, some way they have hurt you — even kindly — they assume you have categorized them as all bad. You’ll hear,

• “That’s right. Everything is always my fault.”
• “I’m always the bad guy.”
• “Nothing I ever do is good enough.”

Object constancy is one of the characteristics that differentiates someone with narcissistic traits from someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

Object constancy and the discard

The narcissist who has blocked you after a discard hasn’t forgotten you exist. They have object permanence.

They may put you back in an all good category and try to hoover you when they need narcissistic supply or other resources. Or you may stay in an all bad category and they will not hoover. Instead, they will seek narcissistic supply from smearing you and making you out to be bad.

Their hoover doesn’t mean they have object constancy and are not a narcissist.

It doesn’t mean they really love you and have changed.

It simply means they have flipped your switch back to “all good.”

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: How Do You Know if a Narcissist Is Gone for Good? and What Makes a Covert Narcissist Regret Leaving You?

Are you new to Medium and want to keep reading? You can subscribe here for as little as $5 a month for unlimited access.