The Reason Your Trauma Bond Runs the Show Until You Shatter It

This subconscious bond distorts your reality and keeps you stuck

You know the trauma bond well — the strong desire to leave, followed by the stronger pull to stay.

• Your feeling stuck and miserable, yet not strong enough to leave
• Your desire to focus on the “good” in your partner
• Your justification that no one is perfect
• Your excuses made for their abusive behavior
• Your inability to trust your partner, yet your unwillingness to leave
• Your belief that the narcissist can and will change, despite history to the contrary
• Your hope that the relationship will get better in the future
• Your defense of your partner and the relationship

It’s like your trauma bond runs the show –because it does

Your trauma bond causes you to stay in an abusive relationship without seeing it for what it is, to stay in a known abusive relationship, and to grieve the loss of that abusive relationship after it has ended.

The trauma bond distorts your reality, deceives you into believing the “love” you feel from your partner is real, and drives you to tolerate anything to get more of it.

This is why the narcissist, consciously or subconsciously, creates a trauma bond. You give over all power and control.

How does the narcissist create the trauma bond?

The trauma bond, or attachment to an abusive partner, is created through repeated physical and/or emotional abuse and intermittent reinforcement.

The narcissist uses intermittent reinforcement by offering rewards of attention, kind words, gifts, physical touch, or acts of service at irregular intervals. The rewards are specifically inconsistent.

Here’s how this works.

• The narcissist complains about the dinner you’ve made 9 consecutive times. It’s too hot, too cold, too dry, too watery, too bland, too spicy.
• The 10th time they tell you they love it and appreciate your efforts.
• You experience a surge of dopamine (plus epinephrine and norepinephrine) — feel good hormones and feel great.
• You continue to make dinner and take the resultant abuse night after night in the subconscious hopes of hearing those words and experiencing that chemical rush again.

Here’s a more subtle example.

• The covert narcissist is distant, shutting you out, stonewalling you out of a subconscious desire to manipulate and control you and your behavior.
• This goes on for weeks, even months, and you decide to leave the relationship.
• The covert narcissist begs and pleads you to stay, saying they’ve been going through something, that it has nothing to do with you, that you deserve someone so much better than they can ever be, and that they’ll do everything possible to become that person if only you stay.
• You experience the hormone surge and feel so much love for them. THIS is the person you fell in love with. THIS feels real.
• The next time they use the silent treatment to control you, you tolerate it even longer out of the subconscious hope that you experience these feelings again.

The trauma bond exists because the chemical high from your rare “rewards” are powerful.

The trauma bond lasts long after the relationship ends

This is why despite finally being free of this abusive relationship, you feel…

• The pull to stay in contact
• The hurt when they block you
• The desire for a hoover
• The agony wondering if they’ve changed for their new source of supply
• The hope that they’ll want you back

The trauma bond lasts until you break it.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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