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with Grandma.</i></li><li><i>Let me help you with this.</i></li><li><i>I’ll fight for you and your family.</i></li><li><i>Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll take care of it.</i></li><li><i>I really want to change this time.</i></li></ul><p id="dd7b">Do they mean it?</p><p id="d262">If they don’t, if it’s just lip service, you’ll be sorely disappointed.</p><h2 id="ca48">History</h2><p id="0c37">Does their history reveal trustworthiness with this issue?</p><p id="c53b">For example,</p><ul><li>Your CPA tells you your taxes will be done by Monday. When they’ve told you that in the past, were they done when promised? Always? Sometimes? Never?</li><li>Your best friend asks you to babysit her kids and promises to pick them up by 10. In the past, has she picked them up on time?</li><li>Your mom tells you she’ll pick up your sick child from school and care for them until you’re done with work. When she’s offered that in the past, has she been reliable? Did it go well?</li><li>Your narcissistic friend tells you to let down your wall and share what you’re feeling. When they’ve done that in the past, have they exploited the information, used it to devalue you, or made you wish you hadn’t shared?</li></ul><p id="aef8">This is the typical, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” How often do you trust someone who has always let you down, hoping it’ll be different this time?</p><h2 id="e3e3">The problem isn’t that you’re not trusting</h2><p id="0d28">When you have been impacted by narcissistic abuse, you start to realize your inability to trust isn’t the problem.</p><p id="2822">The problem is you trusted people who were not trustworthy. They were missing one or more of the trust ingredients.</p><ul><li>The narcissist told you they would take care of something, then didn’t. They weren’t sincere, capable, or likely to follow-through based on history.</li><li>The narcissist used your greatest fears against you. They weren’t sincere.</li><li>The narcissist promised to change, then didn’t. They didn’t have the ability to change due to their disorder. They may also lack sincerity. They certainly lack history of positive change.</li><li>The narcissist lied to many to smear you. They are not capable of being honest. They were not sincere. They have a history of taking down those who threaten to expose them.</li></ul><h2 id="d4ce">Face it. You trusted one, maybe two, components and hoped for the best</h2><p id="aa75">You felt the person was sincere and that was enough.</p><p id="e946">You didn’t take into account that they aren’t capable of handling the task successfully. You discounted their history of disappointing you.</p><ul><li>You trusted they’d come to your child’s school concert because t

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hey sincerely want to improve that relationship.</li><li>You trusted they’d honor their financial commitment to you because they looked sincere.</li><li>You trusted they’d mail your important mail — they are capable and appeared sincere.</li><li>You trusted they’d be faithful. They sincerely meant their marriage vows.</li></ul><p id="cd8d">Each time you decide whether to trust someone, it’s a new equation. Trusting your partner’s promise to change after their 4th extramarital relationship is a different equation than after the first. History does not weigh in their favor.</p><h2 id="6618">The first step to learning to trust again is finding people you can trust</h2><p id="6c18">This requires discernment.</p><p id="d7dc">Look for the three components –ability, sincerity, and history.</p><p id="3b63">If they meet all three, extend your trust. Notice what happens.</p><p id="302a">You’ll build a history of not only trusting others, but trusting yourself again.</p><p id="6ec7">That’s where the real magic begins.</p><p id="ff13"><b><i>Disclaimer: </i></b><i>This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.</i></p><p id="4c34"><b>Dr Melissa Kalt, MD</b> is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, <a href="http://narclesslife.com/">3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist</a> and find information on working with her on <a href="https://melissakaltmd.com/">her website</a>.</p><p id="edc8">Recommended for you: <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-736797dcee6e">How to Set Healthy Boundaries</a> and <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-get-closure-after-narcissistic-abuse-ec59524dff81">How to Get Closure After Narcissistic Abuse</a></p><div id="5c80" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@MelissaKalt/membership"> <div> <div> <h2>Join Medium with my referral link - Melissa Kalt, MD</h2> <div><h3>As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*pEpu9jU6s7fObDD3)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

How Do I Begin to Trust Again After Surviving Narcissistic Abuse?

How do I heal when it feels like I’ll never be able to trust anyone again?

It’s so hard. Your trust was betrayed — by a narcissistic parent, family member, romantic partner, friend, co-worker. You believed in this person. They shattered your trust.

Now you wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust again.

You want to find the happy go lucky, trusting, the world is full of goodness you again, but you wonder if that part of yourself is gone forever.

Will you always be cynical, distrusting, looking for problems that aren’t there?

No. You’ll develop discernment.

Trust is a complicated equation made up of three parts

My mind was blown when my husband shared this with me. I’d never thought of it this way before. Everything clicked into place.

Trust is made up of three things –ability, sincerity, and history. Each is scaled and all three are relevant to establishing trust.

Ability

Is the person able to do what you’re entrusting them to do?

How capable are they of…

Picking up your mail?
Babysitting your kids?
Doing your taxes?
Following your end of life wishes?
Keeping a secret?

Their ability for a particular task falls on a scale from incompetent to competent.

Just because they are competent at one thing, does not mean they are competent at everything. For this reason, you may…

Trust your CPA to do your taxes, but not to babysit your kids.
Trust your neighbor to pick up your mail, but not to keep a secret.
Trust your best friend to keep a secret, but not to follow your end of life wishes.

If someone is not capable of doing what you ask, you’ll both be disappointed.

Sincerity

Is the person sincere about wanting to do their best for you?

Do they mean well? Do they mean what they say?

When they say…

Just rest. I’ll cover the meeting.
It’s going to be the grandkid weekend of fun with Grandma.
Let me help you with this.
I’ll fight for you and your family.
Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll take care of it.
I really want to change this time.

Do they mean it?

If they don’t, if it’s just lip service, you’ll be sorely disappointed.

History

Does their history reveal trustworthiness with this issue?

For example,

Your CPA tells you your taxes will be done by Monday. When they’ve told you that in the past, were they done when promised? Always? Sometimes? Never?
Your best friend asks you to babysit her kids and promises to pick them up by 10. In the past, has she picked them up on time?
Your mom tells you she’ll pick up your sick child from school and care for them until you’re done with work. When she’s offered that in the past, has she been reliable? Did it go well?
Your narcissistic friend tells you to let down your wall and share what you’re feeling. When they’ve done that in the past, have they exploited the information, used it to devalue you, or made you wish you hadn’t shared?

This is the typical, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” How often do you trust someone who has always let you down, hoping it’ll be different this time?

The problem isn’t that you’re not trusting

When you have been impacted by narcissistic abuse, you start to realize your inability to trust isn’t the problem.

The problem is you trusted people who were not trustworthy. They were missing one or more of the trust ingredients.

The narcissist told you they would take care of something, then didn’t. They weren’t sincere, capable, or likely to follow-through based on history.
The narcissist used your greatest fears against you. They weren’t sincere.
The narcissist promised to change, then didn’t. They didn’t have the ability to change due to their disorder. They may also lack sincerity. They certainly lack history of positive change.
The narcissist lied to many to smear you. They are not capable of being honest. They were not sincere. They have a history of taking down those who threaten to expose them.

Face it. You trusted one, maybe two, components and hoped for the best

You felt the person was sincere and that was enough.

You didn’t take into account that they aren’t capable of handling the task successfully. You discounted their history of disappointing you.

You trusted they’d come to your child’s school concert because they sincerely want to improve that relationship.
You trusted they’d honor their financial commitment to you because they looked sincere.
You trusted they’d mail your important mail — they are capable and appeared sincere.
You trusted they’d be faithful. They sincerely meant their marriage vows.

Each time you decide whether to trust someone, it’s a new equation. Trusting your partner’s promise to change after their 4th extramarital relationship is a different equation than after the first. History does not weigh in their favor.

The first step to learning to trust again is finding people you can trust

This requires discernment.

Look for the three components –ability, sincerity, and history.

If they meet all three, extend your trust. Notice what happens.

You’ll build a history of not only trusting others, but trusting yourself again.

That’s where the real magic begins.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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