Summary

The text discusses the dynamics of trauma bonds in relationships with narcissists, emphasizing the challenges of recognizing and overcoming these bonds.

Abstract

The article likens the trauma bond with a narcissist to an iceberg, with much of its mass hidden beneath the surface. Initially, individuals are unaware of the trauma bond, which is strengthened over time and blinds them to the abusive nature of the relationship. It isn't until they leave or are discarded, often with the help of therapy, that they begin to recognize the bond and its effects. The visible part of the trauma bond manifests in longing, hope for reconciliation, and defense of the narcissist. However, the submerged portion is more insidious, leading to a cycle of attracting toxic individuals and impacting all areas of life. The text underscores the importance of acknowledging and actively working to break the trauma bond to move forward and heal.

Opinions

Trauma bonds with narcissists are not immediately apparent and can cause individuals to remain in abusive relationships.
Therapy is presented as a crucial tool in identifying and addressing the trauma bond, likened to sunlight revealing the iceberg.
The author suggests that even after the initial recognition and apparent healing, deeper aspects of the trauma bond can continue to affect a person's life.
The trauma bond can lead to a pattern of entering new relationships with narcissists and toxic individuals.
Breaking the trauma bond is essential for regaining trust, improving relationships, and restoring one's sense of self and impact on the world.
The article offers a resource, the "Antifragile Jumpstart" program, as a means to break the hidden aspects of the trauma bond.
The author, Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, positions herself as an expert in trauma and covert narcissistic abuse, providing a guide and inviting readers to her website for further assistance.

What Does a Trauma Bond with a Narcissist Look Like?

Picture the trauma bond as an iceberg when it’s dark.

At first, you can’t see it at all. You have no idea trauma bonds even exist, much less that you’ve been bonded and that your trauma bond is being strengthened each day.

While you are in the dark, the trauma bond…

· Blinds you to the fact that you’re in an abusive relationship

· Makes you stay with someone you don’t trust

· Leads you to focus on the narcissist’s good qualities and overlook their actions

· Fools you into making excuses for their behavior

· Drives you to defend the narcissist and the relationship

· Gives you false hope that the relationship will improve despite history to the contrary

· Leads you to stay in the relationship once you know you’re being abused

Eventually, you realize something is wrong with this relationship — that is, if you can get past wondering if there is something wrong with you.

The darkness gives way to light

You leave. Or you are discarded. Therapy is like sunrise. You now can see the trauma bond.

The part of the trauma bond you can see, the part above the water, tries to draw you back in…

· The feeling that you’ll always love the narcissist

· The fear that you can’t live without them

· The inability to stop thinking about them

· The uncontrollable need to spy on their social media

· The desire to run into them

· The longing for a hoover attempt

· The hope that they’ll change

· The fear that they’ll change for someone else

· The impulse to defend them to others

· The desire to remain single and available in case they come around

Therapy can provide insights and tools to help you dismantle this layer of the trauma bond. You become functional again, you believe you’re ready to move on, you graduate from therapy.

The danger lurking below the water

What you don’t see is the iceberg hidden below the water. This part of the trauma bond is subtle, insidious, and so dangerous, because you don’t even know it’s there.

The trauma bond below the water leads you to…

· Attract new narcissists into your life as romantic partners, friends, business colleagues

· Be attracted to narcissists and toxic people, being caught in an endless cycle of hope, then heartbreak

· Emotionally beat yourself up for being foolish enough to get into ANOTHER toxic relationship

· Believe that you’ll never be able to trust again

· Fear that you’ll be sucked into another toxic relationship or be alone forever

· Lack the motivation and drive that you once had

· Feel like you’ll forever be broken

This hidden trauma bond not only impacts your romantic relationships. It impacts your relationships with your kids, your family, your friends, and YOURSELF. It impacts your health, your career, and your impact on the world.

The trauma bond keeps you stuck, if you let it

And it will not be broken until you see it and consciously choose to break it.

This is why I am passionate about helping others break the trauma bond hidden below the water and take their lives back. And this is why Breaking the Trauma Bond is a cornerstone of the Antifragile Jumpstart program.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may help you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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