Why Are Many Wonderful Empaths Continually Attracted to Toxic People?
There are two primary reasons. Both occur in an empath who is not healed — awakened.
Many empaths have previously been targets of narcissists or other toxic people. They are hugely attractive to this group of people.
Why?
Empaths feel what others are feeling, including toxic people, and they respond to make that person’s life better –that is, until they have awakened.
Many who have left the toxic relationship — with a romantic partner, friend, family member, or co-worker — believe leaving the relationship was the end of it. Maybe they even went to therapy for a while. They believe their healing is done, that they are connecting with others from a place of wholeness.
Unfortunately, this is not the case.
This lack of awareness is not the abuse victim’s fault. Therapy is hugely powerful at helping someone shift from victim to survivor, from dysfunctional to functional. But healing goes beyond that — healing that rewrites the subconscious scripts that are running the show. Few make that rewarding journey.
1. In addition to being empathic, they are codependent
These empaths seek people who are projects — people who are toxic, depressed, broken, or not living up to their potential. They have a desire to save them — from themselves, their circumstances, the world.
Codependent people rely on others for validation and acceptance. They are plagued by feelings of being not good enough, bad, wrong, a burden, or worthless — to name a few.
Caretaking and helping someone who is unhappy is a way to prove their worth. This pattern is subconscious. They rarely consciously choose someone to be a project.
Instead, their subconscious codependent or emotionally dependent script sees this person as extremely valuable. This pattern puts the empath into the role of attempting to be savior and always falling short (because a toxic person won’t be changed by people-pleasing and caretaking), which reinforces their belief that they’re not good enough.
Until an empath awakens, toxic people will always be attractive.
2. The empath is addicted to love bombing
The intensity of love bombing is intoxicating and addictive for both parties. The heat, the chemistry, and the intense energetic pull is exhilarating.
The empath feels the heat, chemistry, and intensity of their being. They also feel the heat, chemistry, and intensity the narcissist is feeling. This double whammy is extremely powerful.
Over time, the empath equates those feelings with a loving, healthy relationship. Even though the relationships always turn out to be toxic, the bar has been set.
A conversation with a healthy, non-toxic person is — well, ordinary. The empath interprets the lack of fire as a sign that this person is not the one and continues to seek the intense chemistry only found through love bombing.
The missing connection
Extreme heat, chemistry, intensity = love bombing = toxic, unhealthy relationship
Once they realize the intense chemistry and heat are a red flag, not a sign this person is “the one,” they no longer find toxic people attractive.
The solution in all cases is for the empath to dive in and do the healing work with someone who gets it. This is a journey rarely completed alone. AND it is a rewarding one.
An awakened empath is a force of nature.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may help you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: 11 Surprising Characteristics that Make You the Ideal Narcissist Victim and How Does an Educated Empath Become a Narcissist’s Worst Nightmare?
