How Do You Subconsciously Crave a Narcissist’s Shaming and Abuse?

Trigger warning: only read if you’re ready to heal

You’ve been through all the phases.

Step 1

Shock and disbelief — “No, they can’t possibly be a narcissist.”
Victim and self-pity — “Why did they do this to me?”

Step 2

Anger and rage — “How dare they abuse me!”
Empowerment — “No more!”

Step 3

Shame — “How did I let this happen?”
Proactive — “How do I avoid this in the future?”

Steps 4 and 5

Shock and disbelief — “How in the world did this happen again?
Victim and self-pity — “Why does this keep happening to me?”
Anger and rage — “That’s it. I’m done with men/women.”
Shame — “I can’t believe I fell for it again.”
Proactive Empowerment — “I need to explore what I’m doing to attract this into my life.”

(Review the 5 steps from narcissist victim to antifragile survivor)

You’re actively looking, scouring, searching for an explanation.

“What am I doing to attract narcissists and narcissistic abuse into my life?”
“Why am I a target?”
“How have I been fooled again?”

You’ve read “They often are codependent, which means they have so much internal shame and self-blame, they subconsciously seek out someone to shame and blame them more.” Do Covert Narcissists Love or Fear the Ultimate Empath?

These words trigger you. “Why would I subconsciously seek out this torture and pain? Is she crazy?”

Yet, as with any trigger, your reaction is to the truth. Your reaction is in proportion to the depth that you know it to be true.

Part of you knows you’ve been subconsciously seeking out this abuse. But why?

Consciously, it just doesn’t make any sense.

Making sense of the senseless

You entered adulthood with an abundance of internal shame and self-blame.

As a child, you were taught to believe…

Children should be seen and not heard
It is NOT okay to be angry
You’re too feisty
Two wrongs don’t make a right
If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all
You think you’re the smartest person in the room, but you’re not
Stop trying to show up the boys
You’re too sensitive
You need to toughen up
You’re not pretty enough, smart enough, athletic enough, good enough
You can’t do anything right
You’ll never amount to anything
Set your sights lower
Big boys don’t cry

These are typically said by an adult who has wronged you and is justifying their behavior. They may be said by a victimized adult who was taught these statements are true.

Either way, these imprints or beliefs now subconsciously rule your life.

Your internal shame and self-blame run a subconscious script that robs you of the life you deserve. It’s like a computer virus secretly wreaking havoc behind the scenes. You’re none the wiser.

Your subconscious script

How does this subconscious script present itself?

Need for validation, approval, and acceptance from others
People-pleasing
Poor boundary setting/enforcing
Imposter syndrome
Self-blame

How often do you apologize for things that you’re in no way responsible for?

I’m sorry…you ran into me on the street
I apologize for his behavior
I’m sorry. I’ll try to calm her down.

How often do you ask for reassurance about your decisions, your actions, your thoughts?

Am I being too harsh?
Is this email rude?
Do I expect too much?

How often do you worry you’re not excellent — or even competent?

Am I really any good at this?
What if people discover I’m unsure?
I feel like I’m faking.

Your external reality mirrors your internal reality

The circumstances of your external life are a direct reflection of what is going on inside.

You feel shame and self-hatred for allowing yourself to fall for another narcissist’s story? You attract those who will shame and hate you.

You believe if you can’t say something nice, you shouldn’t say anything at all? You attract those who suppress your voice.

You believe you’ll never be good enough? You attract people who point out the myriad of ways you aren’t.

You believe you’ll never amount to anything? You attract people who day after day tell and show you that’s true.

Before you start arguing, remember these beliefs are SUBCONSCIOUS. Your conscious mind knows better. But these beliefs have hijacked your life and are running the show.

This is why really smart, successful people become victims of narcissistic abuse. Cognitively they are confident and strong, but subconsciously they have intense shame and fear that they’ll never be good enough, that they are responsible for other’s wrongs.

How do I end a subconscious script I don’t even know is running?

First, you become aware of them to the extent possible.

You learn to identify your patterns under stress. Do you

Reach out to a friend for reassurance
Eat a bag of chips
Pour yourself a drink
Apologize for something you didn’t do
Punish yourself by withholding something you want or forcing yourself to do something
Look in the mirror and criticize yourself
Binge on chocolate
Stalk your ex on social media

You look beneath the pattern. What feeling is driving this behavior? What am I afraid of? What am I avoiding?

In that moment, you see the subconscious script at work.

Second, you commit to extracting your trauma and connecting to the truth of who you are.

The reality is none of those imprints or beliefs are true.

This is what’s true.

You are good enough
You deserve happiness and peace
You have the potential to be wildly successful
You deserve to be seen and heard
A mistake is an opportunity to learn
You are resilient
Your voice is a beacon to others
You have nothing to prove
Your sensitivity is your strength
You are a Divine being who reflects love to the world

When you connect deeply to this truth, your internal reality has shifted. Your external reality starts to bring you people and opportunities that reflect your new belief system to you.

As Glinda says to Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, “You had the power all along, my dear.”

Want help with this? (third-party link to my group program page)

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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