Does the Trauma Bond Make You Want to Spy on Your Narcissist Ex?

The short answer? Yes

The trauma bond between you and your abuser leads you to not realize you’re in an abusive relationship, to stay once you realize it, and to miss your abusive ex and the relationship even long after the relationship has ended.

It’s not your fault.

Your setup

You didn’t know you were being trauma bonded. The love bombing you initially experienced created such an intense chemical reaction that you were willing to look past the red flags, were willing to forego your needs, and were willing to do things you wouldn’t otherwise do.

And if you’d been trauma bonded before, either to a parent, another romantic partner, or a friend, this was an easy setup.

The intense chemistry of love bombing is addictive. When you have a trauma bond, everything else pales in comparison. You will do anything to trigger and experience that chemical response.

Things go downhill from there

The trauma bond requires BOTH recurrent physical and/or emotional abuse AND intermittent reinforcement. Intermittent reinforcement creates the same physiologic response as love bombing.

You will tolerate anything and do anything to get it!

This strengthens the trauma bond, which creates a horrific cycle for anyone who has experienced it. You tolerate horrible abuse in the hopes of experiencing a moment of that chemical pleasure. And then are willing to tolerate more to get less.

The trauma bond lasts long after the relationship has ended

Even if you were the one to end the relationship — even if you know you don’t want to be with the narcissist, you can’t help but be subconsciously driven by the desire for the familiar chemical “hit.”

You notice…

· Intrusive thoughts about the narcissist

· An intense curiosity about the narcissist

· Anger when they are with someone else (even though you don’t want to be with them)

· Hopes that they’ll change and be happy and healthy someday

· Massive disappointment when you thought they had changed, only to betray you again

· You attract and are attracted to people just like your narcissist ex, creating a relationship Groundhog’s Day

· You feel like you grow older, but never wiser

· You feel like you’ll never be able to trust again

· You fear you’re broken

The trauma bond will not break until you consciously choose to break it

The sad reality is that the trauma bond will not break from distraction, no contact, or time. It will not break until you choose to break it. And as long as you have one trauma bond, you will attract toxic people in droves.

The empowering reality is that it’s possible to break it. I’ve done it.

And this is why Breaking the Trauma Bond is a cornerstone of the Antifragile Jumpstart program.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may help you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: Will Real Love Always be Second to the Extremely Intoxicating Love Bomb Trap? and The Heart-Wrenching and Awe-Inspiring Truth of Relationships After Narcissistic Abuse