7 Steps to Stop Thinking About Your Toxic Narcissist Ex
They worked for me and can work for you, too
When you want to move forward after experiencing narcissistic abuse, this is the one thing that keeps getting in the way.
You think about your ex every day, every hour, maybe even every minute. It’s like a faucet you just can’t shut off — the thoughts keep flowing no matter what you do.
Maybe by now you realize the thoughts about and the desire to be with someone who has abused you is the trauma bond. If you’re like me, that made it even more frustrating. Until I learned how to break the trauma bond, the thoughts felt completely out of my control.
Whether you want to stop thinking about an ex-romantic partner, ex-friend, or ex-coworker, the process is similar.
This is how I did it…
#1 See the narcissist clearly
Read as much as you can. Watch as many videos as you can. Learn to name the narcissist tactics and behaviors. Apply your new knowledge to your own past experience.
- “What?? That was sabotage, not an accident.”
- “Ahhh. He used deflection when I caught him in a lie.”
- “She used weaponized incompetence to get out of filling her car with gas.”
- “Oh my gosh, that was gaslighting.”
- “Wait. Maybe I didn’t have a problem with his mom. Maybe it was triangulation.”
- “No wonder I felt like a failure. She put me down all the time.”
- “Every time I focused on getting in shape, he brought me treats to sabotage my efforts.”
- “She manipulated me into turning down the job of my dreams.”
#2 Write down the impact these behaviors had on you
What signs did you notice in YOU as a result of the relationship?
- Frequent illnesses
- Migraines
- Chronic pain –anywhere
- Rashes
- Significant weight gain or loss
- Heartburn
- Constipation or loose stools
- Insomnia
- Extreme exhaustion
- Confusion
- Anxiety
- Self-doubt
- Sadness
- Lack of vitality
- Decreased self-esteem
- Decreased self-worth
- THE SENSE THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU
Do you want to be with anyone who makes you feel that way? Does it matter if they are a narcissist?
If the answer is a resounding HELL NO, continue to step 3.
#3 Decrease the opportunities to engage by drawing a firm boundary
Look, if you are trying to stop thinking about elephants, it isn’t a great idea to go to the zoo. If you want to stop thinking about ice cream, you don’t take a job in an ice cream shop. If you want to stop thinking about an ex, you eliminate the things that prompt those thoughts.
Make it easy for yourself.
- Unfriend and block them on your phone and all social media.
- Tell your friends you don’t want updates about your ex.
- Don’t go places you know they will be.
- Box up your photos and mementos from the relationship
(I prefer to box up, rather than destroy. The decision about what to keep is best made with a clear head once you’ve done your healing. Eventually, you may be able to look at pictures from that time in your life without being triggered. You may even look back fondly at what those years taught you.)
I know you don’t think you should have to change your patterns or behavior. I get it. And, this is a patch to help while you’re healing. Once you’ve healed, you will be indifferent if you run into your ex at a party.
#4 Focus on healing, not distraction
The natural tendency is to get a new hobby, get a new pet, or find a new relationship as a distraction.
As with everything, why you do something is more important than what you do.
- If you get a new puppy so you can walk it in front of your ex’s house, you will worsen your misery.
- If you get a new puppy so you can take your mind off your ex, you delay your healing.
- If you get a new puppy because you love animals and you want to share your amazing life with a loving animal, you will both enjoy your time together.
Now think about this with a new relationship. Would you want someone to date you because…
- They want to make their ex jealous,
- They want to prove to themselves that they’re lovable,
- They want to prove to the world that they’re wanted,
- They don’t want to be alone,
- They want someone to take care of them,
- They are hung up on someone else and hope to distract themselves?
I know I wouldn’t.
People attract people who are a similar level of personal growth. Someone who has dealt with their past and done their inner work will not be interested in someone who is an emotional hot mess. Likewise, if you are using someone to distract you, you will attract others that are using you for some reason.
Who wants that? Not me.
#5 Stop waiting for something or someone to save you
Listen, you have months, years, even decades of trauma and relationship patterns to heal. That can be done by you and you alone.
Someone can guide you, witness, you, mentor you, or support you on your healing journey, but no one can do it for you.
If you think an amazing new partner will heal you and make the work unnecessary, you are sadly mistaken and will only add to your trauma by continuing this pattern of relationships after narcissistic abuse.
#6 Get comfortable with being alone
I know this can be really hard. Seriously, I get it.
- You won’t release your scarcity beliefs about money with a loaded bank account.
- You won’t release your belief that your worth comes from achievement while you’re still overachieving.
- You won’t release your belief that your value is in your ability to people-please while you’re in a people-pleasing relationship.
- You won’t release your fear of being alone while in a relationship.
- You won’t work on releasing your trauma, your false core beliefs, until your world gets very quiet.
- You won’t shift your self-loathing to self-love without spending a lot of quality time alone.
Choose to be alone — for now. Choose to heal first.
#7 Break your trauma bond, complete your healing, and become indifferent
Consciously choosing to break your trauma bond, to extract your trauma, to connect deeply to the truth of who you are is life changing.
Once you’ve broken the trauma bond, a bond that was forged with brain chemicals to make you think about your ex, you’re back in the driver’s seat.
Once you’ve connected deeply to the truth of who you are, you don’t need your ex or anyone else to complete you. You are whole. And you have far better things to do than think about your ex.
Once you’ve become indifferent, they can no longer touch you — your core being. Sure, they can say and do things to try to get a rise out of you, but it’s almost like you’re out of reach. You’ve risen above the circumstances. You are finally free.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may help you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: The Reason Your Trauma Bond Runs the Show Until You Shatter It and As a Recovering Narcissist Victim, How Do I Become Truly Indifferent?
