Can a Covert Narcissist Feel a Genuine, Positive Connection with Someone?

The answer is a blessing in disguise

Look, to a covert narcissist, falling in love feels real. They don’t know anything else.

It’s kind of like if your eyes see the sky as green, but you’ve been told your whole life what you see is blue, you think green is blue. Get it?

Covert narcissists don’t do genuine

The covert narcissist believes they know what love and connection feel like. They don’t.

They know what infatuation, idealization, and the intense chemistry from love-bombing feel like. They even know what it feels like when someone falls in love with their persona.

The covert narcissist enjoys these feelings so much, they become even more skilled at love bombing so they can re-create these experiences.

Genuine connection is a concept lost on a covert narcissist, someone who is playing a role, presenting a false narrative to those around them. There is nothing genuine about it. A persona cannot make a genuine connection.

The covert narcissist is disconnected from themselves and disconnected from those around them.

Positive feelings are an elusive concept to a covert narcissist

Initially they believe they feel very positively about you. They idealize and idolize you. They put you on a pedestal. The covert narcissist fully believes that you are the one to save them from their deep-seated shame.

Most covert narcissists have no idea they are using you for narcissistic supply or your top flying monkey support. They just think you’re amazing.

But as soon as you set a boundary, ask them to change a behavior, or set one of their lies straight –even innocently, it’s like you’re a whole new person to them. They believe you have deceived them, have violated their trust, and are deserving of all the punishment they choose to dish out.

The covert narcissist now sees you as “all bad” and the relationship as over. Their lack of whole object relations and object constancy make them see you and the relationship as anything but positive.

That is, until they flip you back to “all good” and act like nothing ever happened (because in their mind they would have never felt negatively about you), leaving your head spinning like a top.

What this question really means for you

I get this question. Really, I do.

You’ve fallen in love with a covert narcissist and are hoping your relationship will be the exception to the rule. You are hoping it’s possible they can genuinely love you. You don’t know what you’ll do if they don’t.

That’s the trauma bond talking, by the way.

You are lucky as heck the covert narcissist does NOT have a genuine positive connection with you

Here’s why.

Eventually, you will grow so tired of the abuse, you’ll stand up and scream “Enough,” literally or figuratively. You’ll take a stand for yourself and leave the relationship.

That is approximately one billion times easier when you realize the covert narcissist never loved you — never saw you as a person with hopes, dreams, and feelings.

The realization that you were ONLY a source of narcissistic supply, gives you great strength when your trauma bond tries to draw you back into this toxic relationship.

This harsh reality gives you permission to leave and permission to heal — though you never needed permission.

If you’ve left the relationship and want to break your trauma bond and end this cycle once and for all, I’ve got you— and, Breaking the Trauma Bond is a cornerstone of the Antifragile Jumpstart program.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may help you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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