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on who they are around</h2><p id="c2dd">Suppose they’ve never been a coffee drinker — ever.</p><ul><li>Around coffee drinkers, they love the stuff and can’t get enough.</li><li>Around non-coffee drinkers, they say it’s vile and can’t understand why people drink it.</li></ul><p id="7825">Suppose they’ve played video games for years, even as an adult.</p><ul><li>Around their gaming friends, they can’t wait until Friday for a marathon night of gaming.</li><li>Around non-gamers, they say gaming is a colossal waste of time and is ruining the next generation.</li></ul><p id="26f9">Suppose they’ve always been a jeans and a t-shirt kind of person.</p><ul><li>When they were single, this was their “uniform.”</li><li>When in a new relationship, they change their wardrobe to appear “presentable.”</li></ul><p id="e2b4">Some will go so far as to say, “I can be anyone you want me to be.”</p><h2 id="0e8a">The covert narcissist mirrors their source of supply</h2><p id="ef27">It’s part of their love bombing efforts.</p><p id="e799">But it goes further than deceiving someone to be in a relationship with them.</p><p id="8d65">Because they want narcissistic supply from this individual, they want their idealized self to be attractive to them. This secures the new person as a long-term source of supply.</p><p id="b2f1">The covert narcissist has modified their vision of their idealized self. As a result, you’ll notice significant changes.</p><p id="9d0c">All of a sudden, they</p><ul><li>Love musicals and hate sports</li><li>Drink water and hate soda</li><li>Eat salad with meals (though you never saw them eat a vegetable)</li><li>Wear business casual always, instead of their old t-shirts</li><li>Interview for new, higher-paying jobs</li><li>Go to the gym</li><li>Read books</li><li>Love dancing</li></ul><p id="20c4">It’s so hard to wrap your head around. This is not who you knew them to be — for decades. They wouldn’t have made these changes for you.</p><h2 id="7280">Naturally you wonder if they’ve changed</h2><p id="65db">Had any of those things been an unspoken condition of dating you, they would have become that person back then. But don’t be fooled. None of the changes are real. They are pa

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rt of the deception.</p><p id="a9d2">The covert narcissist is still dishonest about big and small things, passive aggressive, and unable to take responsibility for their own actions. They still lack empathy and object constancy.</p><p id="3311">Their new source of supply will be devalued, too.</p><p id="b728">It’s the only way for a covert narcissist to stay in their role of victim with their flying monkeys.</p><p id="9cdd"><b><i>Disclaimer: </i></b><i>This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.</i></p><p id="d707"><b>Dr Melissa Kalt, MD</b> is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, <a href="http://narclesslife.com/">3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist</a> and find information on working with her on <a href="https://melissakaltmd.com/">her website</a>.</p><p id="bd3e">Recommended for you: <a href="https://readmedium.com/5-insidious-reasons-covert-narcissists-are-so-incredibly-convincing-586ad924aceb">5 Insidious Reasons Covert Narcissists are so Convincing</a> and <a href="https://readmedium.com/does-a-narcissist-look-for-you-in-their-new-supply-ff4a5927fb2d">Does a Narcissist Look for You in Their New Supply?</a></p><div id="2a2c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@MelissaKalt/membership"> <div> <div> <h2>Join Medium with my referral link - Melissa Kalt, MD</h2> <div><h3>As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*jtaLjBT1G1PBo1jo)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Can a Covert Narcissist Change for Their Fantastic New Source of Supply?

Will they really change for someone of high value?

Your relationship with a covert narcissist has ended and they’re with someone new. Their new source of supply seems so high value.

The covert narcissist seems like an entirely new person — totally unrecognizable.

All of those things you wanted them to do with you that they refused — they’re doing them with their new source of supply.

They seem so happy together.

You can’t help but wonder — maybe they can change. Dejectedly you think, “they just didn’t change for me.”

The covert narcissist’s big change

Can they change their disordered way of thinking and being in the world? No.

Can they change specific behaviors to be more effective in “selling” their idealized self as who they are? Absolutely.

A covert narcissist has not developed a sense of self. They don’t know who they are, but they fear they are someone horrible.

The brain changes that result have walled their true self off and replaced it with an idealized self — the person they want to be. For this reason, they lack self-introspection and self-actualization.

The covert narcissist is subconsciously (and rarely consciously) motivated by two things:

Narcissistic supply
Preservation of their idealized self as hero and victim, and preservation of their false version of reality, their fantasy world.

They will do anything to secure them.

The details of their idealized self depend on who they are around

Suppose they’ve never been a coffee drinker — ever.

Around coffee drinkers, they love the stuff and can’t get enough.
Around non-coffee drinkers, they say it’s vile and can’t understand why people drink it.

Suppose they’ve played video games for years, even as an adult.

Around their gaming friends, they can’t wait until Friday for a marathon night of gaming.
Around non-gamers, they say gaming is a colossal waste of time and is ruining the next generation.

Suppose they’ve always been a jeans and a t-shirt kind of person.

When they were single, this was their “uniform.”
When in a new relationship, they change their wardrobe to appear “presentable.”

Some will go so far as to say, “I can be anyone you want me to be.”

The covert narcissist mirrors their source of supply

It’s part of their love bombing efforts.

But it goes further than deceiving someone to be in a relationship with them.

Because they want narcissistic supply from this individual, they want their idealized self to be attractive to them. This secures the new person as a long-term source of supply.

The covert narcissist has modified their vision of their idealized self. As a result, you’ll notice significant changes.

All of a sudden, they

Love musicals and hate sports
Drink water and hate soda
Eat salad with meals (though you never saw them eat a vegetable)
Wear business casual always, instead of their old t-shirts
Interview for new, higher-paying jobs
Go to the gym
Read books
Love dancing

It’s so hard to wrap your head around. This is not who you knew them to be — for decades. They wouldn’t have made these changes for you.

Naturally you wonder if they’ve changed

Had any of those things been an unspoken condition of dating you, they would have become that person back then. But don’t be fooled. None of the changes are real. They are part of the deception.

The covert narcissist is still dishonest about big and small things, passive aggressive, and unable to take responsibility for their own actions. They still lack empathy and object constancy.

Their new source of supply will be devalued, too.

It’s the only way for a covert narcissist to stay in their role of victim with their flying monkeys.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Join Medium with my referral link - Melissa Kalt, MD

As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…

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