How Do You Avoid Reacting When a Narcissist Gets Under Your Skin?
The simple answer? You become indifferent with these 4 steps
More than acting indifferent, becoming indifferent frees you from the reactivity common with a toxic relationship. More on that later…
Remember, a reaction is a triggered neural pathway, a chemical reaction to a stimulus, that occurs before your logical, thinking brain is even aware.
A response, on the other hand, is carefully considered — controlled. Responses are emotionally clean. Reactions often leave you feeling guilty or ashamed.
First, let’s address the different kinds of reactivity you may experience.
Swooning from love bombing
When the narcissist has this kind of power over you, it is really scary when you know you need to steer clear of that relationship.
- You hear the narcissist’s voice and your heart races with excitement
- You listen to their voicemail again and again
- You run into them and go weak in the knees
- They do something nice and your mind races off to planning your wedding
- Something that reminds you of them sends you down a rabbit hole of constant thinking about them
Pent up anger
You feel so hurt, betrayed, and angry that it feels like the slightest thing will make you explode. The narcissist uses this to their advantage.
- The subtle putdown
- The code word only you hear and understand
- The innocent-appearing sabotage
- The weaponized incompetence
- The triangulation of you with your kids
- The obvious lie told to you as truth
You blow up and the world thinks you’ve lost it. Score? Narcissist 2 (supply from triggering you and from the world thinking you’re crazy). You 0.
Buried sadness
Anyone who has been with a narcissist for more than about a day has learned to bottle up their feelings. Those feelings have been stuffed down so hard and for so long that you’re afraid to unleash them. You might never stop crying!
- You feel so sad, hurt, alone that just seeing the narcissist brings you to tears
- You listen to their voicemail just to hear their voice one more time
- The slightest unkind word sends you into a depression for days
- Seeing the narcissist with a new partner rips your heart out
Deep-seated shame
- You see, hear from, or remember the narcissist, and you feel badly about yourself.
- You feel judged by others
- You beat yourself up for ignoring the red flags
- You can’t believe you fell for their false apology — again
- You judge yourself for getting into ANOTHER toxic relationship
- You fear you’ll never be able to trust again
- You believe something is wrong with you
- You fear you’ll never find yourself again
Your emotional brain and neural pathways rule your reactions
Thing is, when your emotional brain is triggered you are unable to access your logical, thinking brain. You are unable to articulate your feelings clearly. You are unable to think before you act.
Your reaction leads you to only feel worse about the situation.
You are not able to access the tools you learned in therapy when you are triggered, and you feel even worse about yourself. (No one can access their logical brain when triggered.)
4 Steps to stop reacting to a narcissist
1. Work with a therapist on how to emotionally regulate when triggered. Emotional regulation allows you to respond, rather than react.
2. Develop mind-body-spirit awareness so that you can identify stress and reduce it before it overflows. That gets messy.
3. Break your trauma bond (the visible and hidden aspects)
4. Rewrite your subconscious scripts
That is the process for becoming indifferent. And once you’re indifferent, you’ll no longer react.
More importantly, you’ll no longer care.
(If you need help with step 2, 3, or 4 — that’s my wheelhouse.)
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may help you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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