How to Spot a Covert Narcissist One Crazy Word at a Time
Bucket terms like “crazy” and “mentally ill” are red flags that a disordered person is using them
For a few weeks now, we’ve been unpacking, one by one, the 11 Ways to Discern the Covert Narcissist Victim from the Covert Narcissist.
This information is important for everyone, but especially those professionals (doctors, therapists, lawyers, guardians ad litem, pastors) who are tasked with helping others and preventing further abuse.
This requires discerning which party is the victim, which can be challenging in a covert narcissistic relationship where both sound like victims.
If you as a victim find that you’re not being heard and the truth is not being seen, feel free to share this info. Together we can be the change we want to see in this world.
Today, we’re addressing #11 — Crazy vs not crazy
The covert narcissist says the victim is crazy
To the outside world, the victim looks crazy. Why?
- Confusion about their reality
- Inability to make even simple decisions or answer simple questions
- Their desperate need to defend against accusations
- The voluminous amount of evidence they keep
- The seemingly minor complaints
- The fact that they won’t let things go
- Their inability to articulate or prove what they know to be true
What you’re seeing is not craziness. It’s the effects of trauma, of chronic ongoing abuse.
Sadly, when it’s not recognized for what it is, the victim is abused further — by the systems tasked with their protection.
“Crazy” and “mentally ill” are bucket terms
These terms are used specifically to devalue others. When used by the covert narcissist (or their flying monkeys) these terms don’t actually have any legitimate meaning.
Quite often they’re used in response to the victim calling the narcissist out on their behavior. These bucket terms are a way of deflecting and dismissing what has been said to avoid accountability.
Suppose the victim states that the covert narcissist was physically abusive with the children.
The predictable response may be
- She’s crazy. I would never do that.
- You’re crazy. How can you even think that?
- He’s mentally ill. This is a great example.
The covert narcissist has used a provocative word to shift focus to the victim, to put them in the hot seat. It works every time.
If you were to ask the covert narcissist or their flying monkey to define the word or give a specific example, they will get flustered, stammer, evade eye contact and make another bucket statement…
- He may be undiagnosed, but he’s mentally ill.
- Did you hear her? She’s crazy.
- How can you take her side? She’s nuts!
They will turn on you, the professional, if they feel they are losing this conversation. Next thing you know, you’re explaining that you’re not taking sides, defending your question, and they’re off the hook.
The covert narcissist (or their flying monkey) cannot give specific examples of concerning behavior because there aren’t any.
The victim tells a different story
Sure, many victims would describe the narcissist’s accusations as crazy or their relationship with a covert narcissist as crazy making.
However, it is rare for a victim to describe another human being with bucket term adjectives.
The victim may talk about the covert narcissist’s history of anxiety, their history of childhood trauma, their lying, their deception. They have specific language for these things.
They may say,
- It’s like I’m married to two different people
- He’s being treated for severe anxiety and is on 3 medications.
- She had a history of depression in college for 6 months after her father died.
- Sometimes, when he’s speaking, the words just don’t make any sense.
- She flip-flops her position mid-conversation. Eventually, I notice we’re still arguing, but she’s switched sides.
The victim has numerous examples of concerning behaviors and doesn’t need to use bucket terms, like “crazy.”
If you read only one thing in this article, read this
It is entirely possible to discern the covert narcissist victim from the covert narcissist.
Bucket terms like, “he said, she said” or “everyone lies” are a cop out.
EVERYONE is responsible for learning to recognize the signs, the red flags, so they may discern the truth. Justice is not served, children are not protected, and victims do not heal when professionals abdicate this responsibility.
These are the 11 ways you can see the situation more clearly right now.
- Documentation
- Playing the victim vs being the victim
- Accountability and responsibility
- The story
- Size of the accusations
- Object constancy
- Manipulation
- Lies vs truth
- “Story” vs perspective
- Privately vs openly
- Crazy vs not crazy
If one of the parties seems crazy, they are likely the victim.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
