Why You Must Discern the Narcissist’s Distorted Version of Truth from Reality
The HUGE red flag you can’t afford to miss
Every day on Medium, YouTube, Quora, and more I hear stories from you.
- Your personal experience with narcissistic abuse,
- Your horrific experience with the legal system,
- Your current struggles,
- Your healing journeys.
Your stories both inspire and motivate me — motivate me to be the change I want to see in the world.
Today I read a newspaper article that shook me to my core.
Not only does the content hit close to home, but the venue is also in my backyard. This is the same family court that handled my case, though the judge and guardians ad litem are different.
Sometimes my motivation to write is to increase awareness.
Other times, it’s to help you heal.
Today, it’s to put an end to the abuse — not only the narcissistic abuse but the continued abuse that is perpetuated by the professionals tasked with creating safety for you and your children.
THIS HAS TO STOP.
Recently I wrote, 11 Ways to Discern the Covert Narcissist Victim from the Covert Narcissist.
Each day I’ve been breaking down the 11 ways in greater detail. Today we’re diving into lies vs truth.
“Everyone lies…”
I literally was told this during my experience with the family court.
To those in the legal system who believe this and are reading this — NO, THEY DO NOT.
Victims are committed to truth. They share the truth for the purpose of providing a full picture. They share their strengths and their weaknesses. They take accountability.
The victim’s commitment to truth is one of the things the narcissist or other toxic person found extremely attractive in the first place.
Discounting this truth, it’s instead assumed that both sides are lying.
You know the expression –” There’s his side. There’s her side. Then there’s the truth.”
In a disagreement or dispute between neurotypical people who have different perspectives, this is often true.
In a disagreement or dispute with a disordered individual, this bears no semblance to reality.
The disordered individual doesn’t have access to the truth. It’s impossible for them to share it with you.
The narcissist can’t access the truth
The narcissist is consciously or subconsciously motivated by two things
- Narcissistic supply
- Preservation of their idealized, false self and their made-up version of reality
EVERYTHING they say will be to one of those ends.
Because they are often victims of their own gaslighting, they come to believe what they say is true. They are convincing because they believe it.
As they can’t access the truth, narcissists lie in many ways about many things. Lying comes naturally to them because they’re not connected to reality.
Previously we’ve discussed 11 ways narcissists lie.
Narcissists lie…
- About small, inconsequential things
- About big, verifiable things
- To make themselves look good
- To gain sympathy
- To mirror your interests and communication style
- To blame someone or something for their own actions
- To judge and criticize others (elevating their own status)
- To put you down — as a “joke”
- To dismiss you by “forgetting”
- To triangulate you with someone else
- To distort your reality and destabilize you
Distorting the truth is their modus operandi. It’s their way of being.
Catching a narcissist in a lie
The covert narcissist lies so easily and so often about big and small things that it’s fairly easy to catch them in a lie.
The trouble is they have love-bombed their attorney, the guardian ad litem, the judge, and the therapists.
Remember, love bombing is NOT roses and walks on the beach — it’s creating the lens through which you see them.
When the narcissist is later caught in a lie, it’s dismissed as a mistake, a misunderstanding, or something small and insignificant.
It is none of those things.
It is the HUGE red flag you missed — the one that told you NOTHING they say can be trusted.
And when you dismiss that flag, you further the victims’ abuse.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Take the Blinders Off and Stop Promoting Covert Narcissistic Abuse and How to Decode the Pattern of Evidence in Covert Narcissistic Abuse
I’m compiling stories of narcissistic abuse and traumatic experiences with the legal system. If you have a story you’d like to share (anonymously or otherwise), I invite you to reach out to me directly.
