Boris Johnson’s Partygate. A Witness For The Prosecution?

Yesterday The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Boris Johnson, a man so posh that when he enters a room the first thing he says is, “Why are these bottles of alcohol not open?” held a press conference on Sue Gray’s partygate report into Lockdown rule-breaking.

“Partygate is a political scandal in the United Kingdom, regarding parties and other gatherings of government and Conservative Party staff held during the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020 and 2021, when public health restrictions prohibited most gatherings.” — Wikipedia

1st Civil Servant: What’s that noise upstairs? It sounds like an Abba party.

2nd Civil Servant: It’s not a real party. It’s virtual.

It’s easy to criticise Boris Johnson. His hair, his face, the way he speaks, and sometimes, even his policies.

It’s been all too easy for the media to find some big boss of a company (can you still say big?), and to ask them what they would do if they found themselves in a similar position, where they’d been caught breaking rules, and for them to say, predictably, “Resign innit.”

It’s been all to too easy for the opposition to say any other Prime Minister would’ve gone by now.

It’s been all too easy for other critics to say he should fall on his sword. Which to be fair does sound kinda painful.

It’s also been all too easy for them political nerds who say that Mr Johnson, a public office-holder, does not abide by any of the Nolan Principles (The Principles of Public Life). However, this video clearly demonstrates he does abide by the Nolan Principles:

But you know what would be harder to do? I’m glad you asked. Not putting yourself in Boris Johnson’s shoes for the sole purpose (pun intended) of getting him out of those shoes, but instead putting yourself on the shop floor (as we say in warehouses) at the heart of government at the time of Lockdown. Put yourself in the shoes of the Civil Servants who were, as Sue Gray says, “a key and dedicated part of that national effort.”

Luckily I have done so, so you don’t have to.

Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past…. With an added modern context of course….

Sue Gray. “Some of the events should not have been allowed to take place. Other events should not have been allowed to develop as they did.”

1st Civil Servant: ….So everyone’s invited to the leaving do….

Me: Leaving do? We’re in the middle of Lockdown. Wunt it be better to have a whip-round?

1st Civil Servant: A whip what?

Me: A whip-round. Instead of having a party for ’em you collect money from work mates and buy ’em a card and a nice gift.

1st Civil Servant: Seriously?

Me: Er, yeah.

1st Civil Servant: Look, I don’t know where you used to work….

Me: A warehouse….

1st Civil Servant: Ok, a house somewhere, but right now us No 10 staff are under extraordinary pressure during the pandemic.

Me: Kinda like working inna warehouse.

2nd Civil Servant: What’s going off here then?

1st Civil Servant: Rulesy McRulesyface says we shouldn’t have a leaving party, but instead should have a whip-round.

2nd Civil Servant: A whip what?

1st Civil Servant: Exactly.

2nd Civil Servant: The party is happening. I’m off to the Co-op with this suitcase to buy booze.

Sue Gray, “The excessive consumption of alcohol is not appropriate in a professional workplace at any time.”

Me: What’s this cardboard partition for?

1st Civil Servant: It divides the room into two. That side, party. This side, work.

Me: What’s this wee door for?

1st Civil Servant: It’s the point of entry to or from either side. A workgate.

Me: Partygate.

1st Civil Servant: Don’t be ridiculous.

Sue Gray, “I was made aware of multiple examples of a lack of respect and poor treatment of security and cleaning staff.”

1st Civil Servant: Eh! You missed a bit!

Me: I don’t think you should be speaking to cleaners like that.

1st Civil Servant: What? Is your auntie upset?

Me: Actually me family is originally from the Caribbean. We don’t have any African rela….Hold on a sec!

2nd Civil Servant: What’s the matter?

1st Civil Servant: He didn’t like me telling his auntie the cleaner that she missed a bit.

Me: Literally not related. So kinda racist.

1st Civil Servant: She gets paid good money to clean…..

Me: Maybe not good money.

2nd Civil Servant: She’s a cleaner. She cleans!

1st Civil Servant: Exactly!

2nd Civil Servant: Anyway, I’m off outside to play on a child’s swing that will hopefully support my adult weight.

Sue Gray, “At least some of the gatherings in question represent a serious failure to observe not just the high standards expected of those working at the heart of Government but also of the standards expected of the entire British population at the time.”

Me: What?!? Another party!?! These parties, this farcical (not a real word)….

1st Civil Servant: Who you talking to?

Me: No one…..this farcical behaviour is unacceptable. We’re in the middle of Lockdown, a Lockdown our government introduced. The British people are making huge sacrifices by abiding by the government Lockdown rules. We’re government workers, but we don’t think those same rules apply to us. We’re drinking, partying, fighting. It wunt surprise me if one day someone says that Downing Street became a cesspit full of arrogant, entitled, narcissists.

1st Civil Servant: Trust me. No one is ever going to say that.

Me: Anyway, this needs to stop. It will stop. I’m gonna write a strongly worded letter of complaint to Mr Johnson.

1st Civil Servant: Boris.

Me: ‘Mr Johnson.’ I were right first time.

1st Civil Servant: Wait wait wait. There’s no need to be so hasty.

Me: Why? Has my rousing speech convinced you that the people of Britain deserve better?

1st Civil Servant: No. You can tell Boris in person. He’ll be here soon joining in.

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