Boris Johnson. №10 Squatter.

Photo: BBC News: **Boris Johnson.** “**Oh no, we won’t go!”**

Yesterday nominations closed in the race to replace The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Boris Johnson, a man so posh that he resigns without using the word ‘resign.’

Last week members of Boris Johnson’s cabinet, as well as members of the Tory parliamentary party, mutinied against him, saying he were unfit for the role of Prime Minister. Yet he is still Prime Minister, a caretaker Prime Minister.

So what were it like in Downing Street during the first round of the ‘beauty contest’ to replace Boris Johnson?

Well, it’s still a famous saying, “Oh to be a fly on the wall.” Luckily for you, once again, I was, so you didn’t have to be.

Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….

Mid morning, Monday 10th July

Me: ….So we’re flies yeah. We’re on the wall in Downing Street.

Fly: Ok.

Me: Flies round shit!

Fly: Sorry. I don’t understand.

Me: You really are a tough audien….

[knock at door]

Grant Shapps, Secretary of State for Transport: Afternoon, I mean morning Boris….

Boris Johnson: Prime Minister! You know what Shapps? It often baffles me why the mainstream media talk of “runners and riders” when covering leadership contests. Mind you in the spirit of The Grand National I would happily take away and shoot those that fall by the wayside. So. What can I do for you?

Grant Shapps: Prime Minister Boris, you are still Prime Minister aren’t you?

Boris Johnson: Spit it out Shapps.

Grant Shapps: I’m looking for endorsements for my campaign for the Tory Party leadership.

Boris Johnson: Close the door behind you Shapps.

Grant Shapps: [mutters] Maybe I should drop out and endorse Sunak.

Boris Johnson: What’s that?

Grant Shapps: I was just saying I’ll get back. Travel to sort out….

Boris Johnson: Well at least you’re not that treacherous swine Sunak. I suppose I you can’t say ‘swine’ because he’s a Muslim.

Grant Shapps: He’s a Hindu Prime Minister Boris.

Boris Johnson: You sure Shapps?

Grant Shapps: Yes. He often had time off for Diwali.

Boris Johnson: What on earth has holidaying in Wales got to do with Hinduanity?

Grant Shapps: I’ll just go then….

1st Downing Street Aide: Liz Truss has officially joined the race Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson: What kind of world do we live in where Liz Truss is a favourite to replace me? You know what I’ll do if she wins?

1st Downing Street Aide: No Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson: I’ll remove every single mirror in Downing Street. That’ll fuck her up. Write a memo! If the idiots elect Liz Truss, destroy all mirrors!

1st Downing Street Aide: Yes Prime Minister.

2nd Downing Street Aide: [whispering] What’s with her Hip Hop earrings?

1st Downing Street Aide: [whispering] I dunno. Aging B Girl?

Late afternoon, Monday 10th July

Photo: Local Government Chronicle. **Michael Gove. The thinking woman’s savoury pudding in a sheep’s stomach**

Boris Johnson: ….I’m not particularly interested in what department you’re with, I’m simply inquiring about getting my US citizenship back. I believe ‘Leader of the Free World’ is a recurring vacancy…. Hello? Hello? Bloody Yanks!

[door bursts open]

Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: I came to bring the pain hardcore from the brain!

Boris Johnson: Michael bloody Gove. What the fuck do you want?

Michael Gove: I imagine being a jani can be quite lonely De Pfeffel. I came to keep you company.

Boris Johnson: What on earth are you blethering on about?

Michael Gove: In Scotland we call a caretaker a jani.

Boris Johnson: You really are a most despicable creature aren’t you Gove?

Michael Gove: And yet you seem surprised De Pfeffel.

Boris Johnson: I see you’ve given your endorsement to that coloured chap.

Michael Gove: Kemi Badenoch. A black woman De Pfeffel.

Boris Johnson: Same difference.

Michael Gove: Some might consider what you said deeply offensive De Pfeffel.

Boris Johnson: I thought you had enough of experts Gove? Besides, what I said should not be taken out of context.

Michael Gove: Like most of things you say De Pfeffel, the context is the words and sentences you use in the exact order you have used them in.

Boris Johnson: You’re entitled to your opinion Gove. Freedom of speech and all that. I’m still surprised you’ve backed her.

Michael Gove: Really De Pfeffel?

Boris Johnson: ….Culture Wars.

Michael Gove: Culture Wars.

Photo: UK Government: **Priti Patel. “What I have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.”**

Late evening, Monday 10th July.

Boris Johnson: On her way?!? What the fuck is security for?!? Tell her I’m not in!

[door bursts open]

Priti Patel, Home Secretary: Johnson! Johnson! For fuck’s sake I can see your fat arse sticking out from underneath the table.

Boris Johnson: Oh Priti, I, er didn’t see you there. I was just looking for….looking for….

Priti Patel: Your balls Johnson?

Boris Johnson: No, not at all. I was looking for your letter of endorsement.

Priti Patel: Really? How did you know I wanted one?

Boris Johnson: Well Priti, I do like to think we have a special connection.

Priti Patel: We do not have a special connection. Give!

Boris Johnson: Can’t find it just now. I’ll email it to you.

Priti Patel: You’d better. My campaign depends on it.

[Priti leaves]

Boris Johnson [muttering to self]: My ‘to do list’….. No border in the Irish Sea…. Letter of endorsement for Priti….

Photo: stratfordconservatives: **Nadhim Zahawi,** **Chancellor of the Exchequer. He knows all about money. He’s a multi-millionaire.**

Late afternoon, Tuesday 12th July.

[knock at door]

Downing Street Aide: Priti Patel has ruled herself out of the contest.

Boris Johnson: Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. I forgot to write that letter of endorsement. How soon can I leave the country?

Downing Street Aide: Ukraine Prime Minister?

Boris Johnson: Obviously….

[door bursts open]

Michael Gove: I’ve got 99 problems but Brexit ain’t one!

Boris Johnson: Gove? What the fuck?!?

Michael Gove: I was wondering how you were enjoying the leadership contest De Pfeffel, the winner of which will pry (or take) the Premiership from your cold, dead hands.

Boris Johnson: Get out!

Michael Gove: I’m surprised you’ve not endorsed Zihawi. He’s basically a younger brown version of you, but without the so-called jokes.

Boris Johnson: Piffle Gove. We’re nothing alike.

Michael Gove: Really De Pfeffel? Listen to this radio interview.

[plays clip of interview with Nadhim Zahawi, Chancellor of the Exchequer]

Boris Johnson: Gove, you just played an old interview with me.

Michael Gove: You’re lack of attention to detail is truly impressive De Pfeffel.

Boris Johnson: Is that all Gove? It’s just that I’m expecting a phone call from President of Ukraine Volodymyr Zelenskyy who will no doubt wish to tell me how fucking awesome I am.

Michael Gove: De Pfeffel, the writing’s on the wall. Look! [points to freshly sprayed “You fucking squatter” on wall]

Boris Johnson: As you know Gove my position is caretaker. I cannot do anything significant or radical.

Me: No change there then.

Fly: Sorry. I don’t understand.

Cut for time: