Richy Sunak. (Mini) Cabinet Kerfuffle.
The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch, he thinks a credit union is another bunch of Lefties holding the country to ransom, had a mini cabinet reshuffle.
The reshuffle was prompted by the sacking of Nadhim Zahawi, a name which became synonymous with the phrase, “What? He’s not been sacked yet?”
Elsewhere, Liz Truss resurfaced like a ‘Boris Johnson.’ A turd that refuses to be flushed. Ms Truss needed to give us her version of events for the short-lived Truss era. This basically involved her saying, “You never understood me!” “How was any of it my fault?!?” and “I hate you!” before running off to her bedroom, again.
Midweek, President of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelenskyy, addressed the UK parliament asking for fighter jets. “Nothing is off the table,” said Mr Sunak, quickly hiding our fighter jets.
The day after, perhaps in the spirit of, “a good day to bury bad news,” Lee Anderson, a man so Working Class he starts every sentence with, “Did I tell you I were a miner?” was unveiled as Conservative Party Deputy Chair. One of Mr Anderson’s latest gems is, “No one commits a crime after being executed,” thus proving the Tories are keen to capture that, ‘Red Wall’ “He’s not wrong innit” vote.
Less than a week is a long-time in politics. Looks like a job for….
Fly on the wall time!
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Late afternoon, Monday 6th February
Me: Ay up. My name’s….
Fly: Don’t care.
Kemi Badenoch, Secretary of State for the Department for Business and Trade [on speaker phone]: ….How on earth am I supposed to challenge anyone significant about whether or not they can define what a woman is, in this job?!?
Rishi Sunak: Alternatively, you could concentrate on your new role?
Kemi Badenoch: Have you gone full woke Rishi!?! [slams phone down]
Rishi Sunak [sighing]: You spend millions on reorganising government departments and this is the thanks you get….
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Brothers ain’t shit, They’re lookin for the next big ass they can stick, But this here chick’s not on your dick.
Rishi Sunak: Do you need to make such a dramatic entrance Michael?
Michael Gove: What’s life without a little drama? Talking of which, I bumped into Raab See Brexit; or rather he bumped into me. He’s telling anyone that will listen than the bullying accusations are “civil servant fragility in the face of gentle rough housing.”
Rishi Sunak: Seriously?
Michael Gove: Yes. Although you old Etonians are used to rough housing aren’t you?
Rishi Sunak: I did not attend Eton.
Michael Gove: Really? You sure? You do seem like the kind of person who would go to Eton.
Rishi Sunak: I did not go to Eton, Michael. So! How is levelling up progressing?
Michael Gove: I shall answer that question with a question. Have you seen my department’s spirit level?
Rishi Sunak: No I have not.
Michael Gove: Then levelling up is currently paused.
Mid afternoon, Tuesday 7th February
Me: So who’s the new Tory Party Chair?
Fly: Someone called Greg Hands.
Me: Well, what with Westminster harassment and bullying problems, I hope that ain’t also his nickname.
Fly: Sorry, I don’t get it.
Rishi Sunak: ….What is that racket outside?!?
[voices]
“Don’t tell me I can go in! No one tells me what to do!”
“I was just saying that the Prime Minister is expec….”
“Don’t tell me what the Prime Minister is expecting! Look at me when I talk to you!”
“I….”
“How dare you look at me! Close your eyes!”
[phone plays ‘I Am The Law’ by Anthrax]
Rishi Sunak [answering phone]: Come in Suella!
Suella Braverman, Secretary of State for the Home Department: Hi Rishi, It’s Suella….
Rishi Sunak: Yes.
Suella Braverman [sniffs air]: Is Sharnt Gapps cowering under your desk?
Rishi Sunak: Don’t be silly. What can I do for you Suella?
Suella Braverman: I need to talk to you about the Met Office.
Rishi Sunak: You mean the Met?
Suella Braverman: That’s what I said.
Rishi Sunak: No, you said…. It doesn’t matter. Take a seat.
Suella Braverman: I’ll stand. [sits down]
[silence]
Rishi Sunak: So, Suella, the Met?
[silence]
Suella Braverman [standing up]: I’m glad we sorted that out. I have to go now. There are illegal migrants arriving illegally to our shores. Stop the wokes.
[slams door]
Rishi Sunak: She’s gone Grant. You can come out.
[Grant Shapps emerges from beneath the desk]
Rishi Sunak: So Grant. You know your new role?
Grant Shapps, Secretary of State for Energy Security and Net Zero: Yes. Actually, can you remind me again please?
Rishi Sunak: Energy Security….
Grant Shapps: Already sounds exhausting….
Rishi Sunak: Energy Security and Net Zero. So you know what you’re doing?
Grant Shapps: Yes Mr Prime Minister Rishi sir.
Rishi Sunak: Oh, and Grant. Best not mention the whole cowering underneath the table to anyone.
Grant Shapps: Not even on our WhatsApp group?
Rishi Sunak: Def….
[knock at door]
Downing Street Aide: President Zelenskyy has just confirmed tomorrow’s ETA.
Rishi Sunak: Yes! Ukraine poll bounce!
Late evening, Tuesday 7th February
1st Cleaner: ….We need to control our borders, we need to stop them boats.
2nd Cleaner: Why? It’s hardly a Spanish Armada. Besides who says it’s a “people’s priority?”
1st Cleaner: Polling.
2nd Cleaner: Polling says the Tories are still way behind Labour, but I don’t see Rishi prioritising resigning. ….I see Suella’s been in.
1st Cleaner: How’d you know?
2nd Cleaner: Dalmatian dog hairs.
1st Cleaner: Dal what now?
2nd Cleaner: I don’t get her obsession about woke policing. Has she not noticed the Met is full of sexual predators?
1st Cleaner: That’s an exaggeration.
2nd Cleaner: OK. Full of predators.
Early afternoon, Wednesday 8th February
Volodymyr Zelenskyy, President of Ukraine: ….God bless Great Britain and long, long live the King. Slava Ukraini (Glory to Ukraine).
[standing ovations]
1st MP: Oh my days! He is absolutely am-maze-zing!
2nd MP: Totes awesome.
3rd MP: He’s quite the orator.
1st MP: I didn’t know you spoke Ukrainiese.
2nd MP: We need to take a photo.
1st MP: Yes! Capture this historic moment!
[raises smartphone above head]
3rd MP: Wait. A selfie as he walks past?!?
1st MP: Unless we’re in it the photo has no value.
Mid afternoon, Thursday 8th February
[in the Downing Street kitchen]
Rishi Sunak: You know what Michael? As the Working Classes say, “Nice how it’s turned out.”
Michael Gove [mutters]: “Turned out nice again.” How so Rishi?
Rishi Sunak: Our new cabinet will help my government deliver.
Michael Gove: Well you did say you wanted to create well paid jobs….
Rishi Sunak: Also I’ve strode the international stage.
Michael Gove: l’m not sure looking like a child wearing air force kit during Armed Forces Weekend, constitutes the world stage Rishi.
Rishi Sunak: ….Actually Michael, do you know what this is?
Michael Gove: It’s a tin opener Rishi.
Rishi Sunak: So some tins come without ring pulls?
Michael Gove: This is why the public think you’re out of touch.
Rishi Sunak: It’s the politics of envy, pure and simple.
Michael Gove: I’m not sure the public are jealous of a Prime Minister who doesn’t know how much a loaf of bread costs.
Rishi Sunak: We make our own bread Michael. Or rather our own bread is made for us. No matter. I think the future is looking bright.
Michael Gove: Really?
Rishi Sunak: Yes. The cabinet reshuffle will give my government the focus it needs. No more distractions.
Michael Gove: What about your predecessors?
Rishi Sunak: I’m confident that Truss and Johnson won’t be saying anything that hasn’t already been said.
Michael Gove: [looking at newsfeed]: How do you spell ‘gadzooks’ Rishi?
Rishi Sunak: G. A. D…. Wait, why?
Michael Gove: Rumours are that Theresa May is going to hold a press conference.
Rishi Sunak: Egad!
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Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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‘Prequels’:
The ‘Boris Johnson’s’: