Richy Sunak. SuKnackered.

The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch, he thinks the minimum wage is a small mother’s benefit claim, has been busy with distractions. Mr Sunak got another fixed penalty notice. This time he was caught not wearing a seatbelt, because, like that Internet scumbag with a pizza box, he uploaded relevant evidence.

There are other distractions keeping him busy, like Chairman of the Conservative Party Nadhim Zahawi, and his “complicated tax affairs.” Although, in Mr Zahawi’s defence, we’ve all done it haven’t we? Not wishing to ruin your chances with a potential future boss, you decide against telling them you settled a dispute with HMRC, reported to be an estimated £4.8m, including a 30 per cent penalty of around £1m. “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone,” and all that.

Then there’s chief petty officer of distractions, Boris Johnson, who hangs around like a bad smell, or specifically the bad smell caused by a kipper buried underneath the floorboards by a disgruntled former tenant of 10 Downing Street.

Fly on the wall time!

Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….

Early afternoon, Friday 20th January

Me: Ay up. My name’s….

Fly: Don’t care.

[knock at door]

Downing Street Aide: Grant Shapps to see you Prime Minister.

Grant Shapps, Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy: Mr Prime Minister Rishi sir.

Rishi Sunak: How’s business?

Grant Shapps: Sorry?

Rishi Sunak: How’s your department?

Grant Shapps: Oh, it’s OK. Not as good as the Home Department….

Rishi Sunak: You need to move on Grant.

Grant Shapps: What?!? You’re sacking me again?!?

Rishi Sunak: No Grant. It’s a figure of speech. What can I do for you Grant?

Grant Shapps: So, I have a spreadsheet and I have thingyed it to tell me what MPs and the membership think about things….

[phone plays ‘I Am The Law’ by Anthrax]

Rishi Sunak: Oh, it’s Suella. Hello Suella, you’re on speakerphone.

Suella Braverman, Secretary of State for the Home Department: I’m on Downing Street. I’m coming to see you.

Rishi Sunak: Actually Suella, now’s not a ….

[call ends]

Grant Shapps: I’d best be off.

Rishi Sunak: It’s OK Grant, it normally takes her a few minutes to get here. She usually has to reprimand various Downing Street staff before remembering which room I’m actually in.

Grant Shapps: ….Suella and I don’t get on.

Rishi Sunak: Really?

Grant Shapps: I never told you how she told me you’d given her her old job back. She threw my computer out the window.

Rishi Sunak: Oh dear. The thing is Grant, Suella is eccentric. She seeks to harm, intimidate, or coerce those perceived as vulnerable.

Grant Shapps: So, she’s, a, bully?

Rishi Sunak: No, eccentric….

[knock at door]

Rishi Sunak: Come in.

[knock at door]

Rishi Sunak: I said, come in!

[phone plays ‘I Am The Law’ by Anthrax]

Rishi Sunak [reading text]: “I’m outside the door.” I said come in Suella!

Suella Braverman: Hi Rishi, It’s Suella….

Rishi Sunak: I know….

Suella Braverman: Oh. Sharnt Gapps…. Pull my finger.

Grant Shapps: Pull your finger, why?

Suella Braverman: Pull my finger pull my finger pull my finger pull my finger….

Grant Shapps: Alright alright! [pulls Braverman’s finger]

[Braverman slaps Shapps across face]

Grant Shapps: Ow! Suella. Why!?!

Suella Braverman: I always win at poker. You pulled my finger.

Grant Shapps: Suella, why do you treat people….?

Suella Braverman: Woke woke woke woke woke woke woke….

Rishi Sunak: [plays youtube clip of Tory Party conference] Suella! Look! You’re on the television.

Suella Braverman: [looking at herself making a speech] I’m so beautiful. They adore me.

Rishi Sunak: Maybe you should go whilst she’s distracted. You can tell me about that spreadsheet tomorrow.

Grant Shapps: You know what, I think it can wait until after the local elections.

Late evening, Sunday 22nd January

1st Cleaner: ….Thus proving the Tories run the BBC.

2nd Cleaner: So the conspiracy theory is that the Tories run the BBC, and proof of this is that the current BBC Chair, Richard Sharp, ‘helped’ Boris Johnson get a loan….

1st Cleaner: A bribe!

2nd Cleaner: Not really a bribe, but I know what you’re getting at. Anyway, so Richard Sharp helped Boris Johnson and was rewarded with the job of BBC Chair?

1st Cleaner: Bang on.

2nd Cleaner: If Richard Sharp were already a Tory, why would he need to go through all that? Boris Johnson could just give him the job so he can join all the other Tories running the BBC.

1st Cleaner: That’s the whole point of conspiracy theories dummy, you can’t completely explain what you say is explainable.

Morning, Monday 23rd January

[door bursts open]

Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Physically or lyrically, it’s my kingdom, Stingin’ ’em and bringin ’em the wordz of wisdom.

Rishi Sunak: I do wish you would use the door properly like everyone else.

Michael Gove: Apologies, force of habit. What’s that smell? It’s bowfing!

Rishi Sunak: It’s being investigated. I see levelling up is going well. Boufing?

Michael Gove: Yes, Morecambe are getting that eco Disneyland, so that’s that region levelled up. All it took was locating the spirit level we lost.

Rishi Sunak: Coincidentally, I had an independent contractor undertake some work at our home and I saw him using one of those levels for spirits.

Michael Gove: It’s ‘spirit level’ Rishi. This is why the public think you’re out of touch. That, and you calling a workperson an “independent contractor.’

Rishi Sunak: “Workperson?” That’s rather woke Michael.

Michael Gove: Apologies. I shall put a fiver in the swear jar when I return to the office.

Rishi Sunak [looking at newsfeed]: Oh for Goldman Sachs! The Labour party are at it again, complaining about my wealth.

Michael Gove: Well, you are quite rich, even by Tory standards. Well, maybe not by English Tory standards….

Rishi Sunak: It’s the politics of envy, pure and simple, and the voting public are heartily getting bored of it. What’s that quaint phrase I heard the Working Class use at university? They used it when they thought others were talking too much? Oh yes. Belt up! ….What’s so funny?

Michael Gove: Oh, nothing…. Actually, I’ve been meaning to ask, why did you have Kuennsburg interview you here, rather than at the BBC?

Rishi Sunak: Well considering we pay the corporation millions, their furniture is substandard.

Michael Gove: Furniture? Substandard?

Rishi Sunak: Yes, the furniture there is poor quality. I ended up with a dodgy BBC chair. ….What’s so funny?

Late afternoon, Tuesday 24th January

Rishi Sunak: [to 1st Downing Street aide] I’ve his meeting scheduled, can you find out where Steven’s got to please?

Steve Barclay, Secretary of State for Health and Social Care: I’m here Rishi.

Rishi Sunak: Gadzooks! [throws papers in the air] How long have you been there Steven?!?

Steve Barclay: About 5mins, I didn’t want to disturb you.

1st Downing Street aide: Shall I help you pick up the…

Rishi Sunak: No it’s OK. I like to roll my sleeves up and get stuck in. You really ought to stop doing that whole, ‘hiding in plain sight’ thing, around me Steven. It’s very unnerving.

Steve Barclay: Sorry. What’s with all the paper sheets and drawing pins?

Rishi Sunak: I’m preparing for a meeting. I’m a big fan of the old skills. Anyway, how’s the NHS?

[phone rings]

Rishi Sunak: Gadzooks! [spills drawing pins]

Steve Barclay [mutters]: Butter fingers, butter being a luxury item only you can afford.

Rishi Sunak [under table picking up pins]: Gosh I’m all fingers and thumbs today. I said how’s the NHS Steven?

1st Downing Street aide: Prime Minister, he’s gone. He said something about “places to avoid, people to steer clear of.”

Rishi Sunak: What was I thinking when I….

2nd Downing Street aide: Prime Minister, Mr Zahawi’s arrived.

Rishi Sunak: Send him in. Send him in.

Nadhim Zahawi, Chairman of the Conservative Party and Minister without Portfolio: Alright bossman.

Rishi Sunak: Oh you’re early. Watch your feet Nadhim, I spilled some drawing pins.

[Nadhim ‘dances’ around drawing pins]

1st Downing Street aide [whispering to 2nd Downing Street aide]: Tacks avoidance.

Mid afternoon, Wednesday 25th January

[secret meeting with Union Leaders]

1st Union Leader [to Downing Street aide]: Has all this gold always been here?

Rishi Sunak: Sorry I’m late. PMQs. The weekly humiliation of Starmer.

1st Union Leader: Of course it is mate.

Rishi Sunak: Ah ha! So Labour are in bed with the unions.

2nd Union Leader: Of course we are mate.

Rishi Sunak: OK. So before we begin negotiations, I think it would be important to remind ourselves of the current financial situation.

[removes sheet covering lectern and sheet covering white board with equations written on it]

[whispering to each other]

3rd Union Leader: Fuck’s sake, he’s brought a lectern.

4th Union Leader: He do like them numbers don’t he.

1st Union Leader: When he does press conferences and that, he looks like he’s in a Spelling Bee.

2nd Union Leader: You mean, as we might say in the UK, he looks like he’s in a competition in which contestants are asked to spell a broad selection of words, usually with a varying degree of difficulty?

1st Union Leader: You sound like Wikipedia, but yes.

2nd Union Leader: That’s a bit of a dodgy thing to say, just cos he’s Asian.

1st Union Leader: You disputing Asians do well in spelling competitions?

2nd Union Leader: No, but….

1st Union Leader: Check this out. Pavlov’s dog. [shouts] Prime Minister, spell poverty!

Rishi Sunak: P. O. V. E. R…. What’s so funny?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………