Richy Sunak Can’t Seem To Budge It

Last week, The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch, he thinks a bag of chips after a night out is what you get at a casino, came home after striding the world stage where he, well, did something or the other. I say something or the other, as some bloke off the BBC distracted most of us.

Gary Linekar, is an English football pundit so obsessed with Germany (like most English football pundits), he once said, “Well, at least the Germans got knocked out,” during an Olympics highlights show. Perhaps it is this irrational obsession with, “the Germans,” that prompted him to compare Tory policy to Nazis.

Pantomime Voices: Oh no he didn’t! He simply compared government language to that of 1930s Germany.

Me: Yes, you are absolutely right. As any good Leftie will tell you, the fact the Nazi Party was the ruling party during that time, is purely coincidental.

Mr Sunak returned from his travels for his first Budget as Prime Minister, to be greeted by another wave of industrial action. Perhaps Jeremy Hunt, Chancellor of the Exchequer, should’ve said, “Those that can work, should work, unless, they’re striking.”

Just short of a week is a long-time in politics. All together now, “Oh to be a fly on the wall, standing 6mm tall.”

Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….

Early morning, Wednesday 15th March

Me: ….Ay up. What’s your name then?

Fly: Mac.

Me: Seriously? Mac Fly?

Fly: Yes. Shush, I’m trying to listen.

Rishi Sunak: ….That seems acceptable….

Jeremy Hunt, Chancellor of the Exchequer: Rishi….

Rishi Sunak: That looks satisfactory….

Jeremy Hunt: Rishi….

Rishi Sunak: Perhaps you should carry the….

Jeremy Hunt: Rishi! Are you trying to micro manage me?

Rishi Sunak: No. I’m just simply a fan of the old skills, such as looking over someone’s shoulder to confirm they are doing tasks correctly.

[phone plays the ‘Oompa Loompa song’]

Rishi Sunak [answering phone]: Yallow. ….Hells Bells! I completely forgot. I’ll be straight over.

Jeremy Hunt: Who was that?

Rishi Sunak: Downing Street Aide. I have a meeting with Steven. Must dash!

[minutes later]

Rishi Sunak: ….Apologies Steven. I was tied up telling Jeremy what to do.

Steve Barclay, Secretary of State for Health and Social Care: You were telling Jeremy what to do?

Rishi Sunak: Sorry, I meant to say, I was telling Jeremy what to do.

Steve Barclay: You’ve just repeated yourself.

Rishi Sunak: Er, no matter. So, I wanted to talk to you about the NHS crisis…. Or, rather, the annual pressures on the NHS that first started under the last Labour government.

Steve Barclay: I can’t say I’ve noticed any problems. I’ve always thought the NHS was functioning fair to middling.

[phone plays ‘Joe Le Taxi’ by Vanessa Paridis]

Rishi Sunak [answering phone]: Macron! Mes amis! [whispering] I really need to take this Steven.

Steve Barclay: Oh..Kay….

Rishi Sunak [walks over to window]: ….Really? ….Well that’s rugby isn’t it…. Oh, you’re funny…. ….Me too! Unions, I know!

Steve Barclay: Ahem!

Rishi Sunak: Actually Macron, I need to go. You know how demanding running a country is. ….Oh, you’re so funny. ….No, you put the phone down first. ….No, you, put the phone down first. ….No… Hello?

[Rishi Sunak stares out of window]

Rishi Sunak: ….Oh, Macron…. So Steven, the NHS…. Steven. Steven?

[Rishi Sunak turns around to look at Steve Barclay]

Rishi Sunak: Where on earth….?

[knock at door]

Downing Street Aide: Steve Barclay left you a letter Prime Minister.

Rishi Sunak: Steven’s gone?!? What does the letter say? Surely not a resignation already?

Downing Street Aide: No Prime Minister. It says, “Dear Rishi, I am happy to have constructive talks about the NHS. Just give us a bell yeah. P.S. I cannot guarantee I will be able to attend any scheduled meetings.”

Early morning, Friday 17th March

[knock at door]

Downing Street Aide: Grant Shapps to see you Prime Minister.

Grant Shapps, Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy: Mr Prime Minister Rishi sir.

Rishi Sunak: Yes Grant?

Grant Shapps: Yes Mr Prime Minister Rishi sir?

Rishi Sunak: Grant, what do you want?

Grant Shapps: We’ve a meeting….

Rishi Sunak: No we haven’t.

Grant Shapps: We have. My diary clearly says…. Oh, I see what I’ve done. Did you know February having 28 days means March’s days are Monday to Friday and Saturday and Sunday just like February?

Rishi Sunak: You’ve not quite explained it correctly, however I can see what caused the error.

Grant Shapps: Sorry, Mr Prime Minister Rishi sir

Rishi Sunak: It’s OK Grant. Others sometimes make mistakes.

Grant Shapps: Actually, I’d like to congratulate you on the progress you’ve made with trying to resolve the strikes. One thing I did learn from my time with dealing with the union barons is that they’re bullies. You need to stand up to bullies.

[phone plays ‘I Am The Law’ by Anthrax]

Rishi Sunak: Oh, it’s Suella. Hello Suella, you’re on speakerphone.

Suella Braverman, Secretary of State for the Home Department: I’m on Downing Street. There in a bit.

Rishi Sunak: Actually Suella, I’m in the mid….

[call ends]

Rishi Sunak: Grant, If you need to use the rear exit to…. And, he’s gone….

[Rishi Sunak dials number on Downing Street phone]

Rishi Sunak: Please tell staff Ms Braverman is on her way.

[panicked voices]

“There’s not enough time! My God there’s not enough time!”

[silence]

[footsteps]

[phone plays ‘I Am The Law’ by Anthrax]

Rishi Sunak [answering phone]: Come in!

Suella Braverman, Secretary of State for the Home Department: Hi Rishi, It’s Suella….

Rishi Sunak: Yes.

Suella Braverman: Why’s it so quiet? Where are the civil service strollers?

Rishi Sunak: I imagine they are concentrating on my 5 priorities.

Suella Braverman: The 5 priorities: 1. Stop the votes. Introduce voter I.D. to put Labour voters off voting. 2. Stop the Nokes. Deselect Caroline Nokes because she is plotting to overthrow me. 3. Stop the jokes. Defund the BBC. 4. Stop the wokes. Neutralise the activist blob of leftwing lawyers, civil servants and the Labour party. 5. Stop the boats. I have a dream, an obsession…

Rishi Sunak: Yes Suella, we know. Actually Suella, I should point out that only one of those listed priorities is…

Suella Braverman: Don’t care! I need an aeroplane.

Rishi Sunak: Can you fly?

Suella Braverman: Of course not. That’s why I need an aeroplane.

Rishi Sunak: Yes. Obviously. Why do you need an aeroplane Suella?

Suella Braverman: To fly migrants to Rwanda. If you need something doing do it yourself!

Rishi Sunak: Suella, You can’t fly migrants to Rwanda.

Suella Braverman: Woke police?

Rishi Sunak: No Suella. You just need to be patient. I’m confident the courts will decide in our favour and the flights to Rwanda will happen.

Suella Braverman: No they won’t. Woke judges. The public can’t wait. I’m getting emails from as far a field as Ashfield.

Rishi Sunak: I think you’ll find that’s a mailshot from Lee Anderson.

Late evening, Sunday 19th March

1st Cleaner: ….We need to control our borders, we need to stop them boats.

2nd Cleaner: It’s hardly the Battle of Hastings.

1st Cleaner: The Battle of what-ings?

2nd Cleaner: Nevermind…. It’s ridiculous. Trading Standards nab shopkeepers for selling fags to kids, but our government can’t nab people traffickers who advertise on TikTok. Part of me thinks, fuck it. If these fugees have fled war torn countries, risked their lives travelling across land and sea, and survived, let ’em stay.

1st Cleaner: Really?

2nd Cleaner: Why not? Apparently a lot of these people have valuable skills and qualifications. Let ’em work and contribute to our economy.

1st Cleaner: Doing what though?

2nd Cleaner: I dunno. Picking fruit?

Early morning, Monday 20th March

[door bursts open]

Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Broken glass everywhere, People pissing on the stage, you know they just don’t care.

Rishi Sunak: Another visit to the Northern Powerhouse Michael?

Michael Gove: Yes. Northerners are never satisfied. I can see why so many Labour MPs are so miserable.

Rishi Sunak: To what do I owe the pleasure Michael?

Michael Gove: The peasants are revolting. Plus, the peasants are revolting. Your pension reforms have not gone down well with the Red Wall.

Rishi Sunak: They probably just need the policy explained to them properly.

Michael Gove: Really? They are calling it a tax cut for the rich. Have you learnt nothing from the Liz Truss debacle?

Rishi Sunak: I am not Liz Truss. The public have confidence in me. Since the Windsor Framework I have demonstrated that, “Rishi gets things done.” I have, er, Jeremy has, produced a successful budget….

Michael Gove: Define ‘successful?’

Rishi Sunak: I have ended the strikes.

Michael Gove: Define ‘ended?’

Rishi Sunak: I have put the BBC issues to bed….

Michael Gove: Define a piece of furniture for sleep or rest?

Rishi Sunak: I am flushed with success!

Michael Gove: ‘It,’ is still causing a blockage Rishi. ‘It,’ refuses to go away.

Rishi Sunak: It? What on earth are you talking about Michael?

Michael Gove: Have you forgotten? De Pfeffel is in front of the Privileges Committee on Wednesday.

Rishi Sunak: Hells Teeth!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

‘Prequels’:

The ‘Boris Johnson’s’: