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bully aren’t you?</p><p id="523d"><i>Priti Patel</i>: [puts Boris Johnson in a headlock] Take that back!</p><figure id="3d36"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*igqvuuV93c_ALjvV7HS__g.jpeg"><figcaption>Photo: Aaron Chown/WPA Pool/Getty Images. <b>Boris Johnson. Back on JSA.</b></figcaption></figure><p id="190e"><b>Early morning, Thursday 7th July.</b></p><p id="ec24">[door bursts open]</p><p id="eab1"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Gove?!? What the fuck are you doing here? I sacked you last night.</p><p id="e6a6"><i>Michael Gove</i>: Are you sure de Pfeffel?</p><p id="0475"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Yes!</p><p id="e6b2"><i>Michael Gove</i>: Define ‘sacked’ de Pfeffel.</p><p id="fd1a"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Get out! Get out!</p><p id="669f"><i>Downing Street Aide</i>: I feel I should point out Prime Minister that with Mr Gove’s sacking and subsequent resignations there is no one running the Department of Levelling Up. Levelling Up is your flagship policy.</p><p id="a028"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Let them eat gateau.</p><p id="e6d0"><b>Mid morning, Thursday 7th July.</b></p><p id="9a5a">[knock at door]</p><p id="2f07"><i>Downing Street Aide</i>: Nadhim Zahawi to see you Prime Minister.</p><p id="99ea"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.</p><p id="7411"><i>Nadhim Zahawi, Chancellor of the Exchequer</i>: I think you should consider your position Prime Minister.</p><p id="4527"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Et tu, Brute.</p><p id="c82a"><i>Nadhim Zahawi</i>: It’s Nadhim.</p><p id="dccd"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Wait. Didn’t I just make you Chancellor of the Exchequer?</p><p id="198a"><i>Nadhim Zahawi</i> Yes.</p><p id="ff96"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: This is how you repay me?</p><p id="2e0d"><i>Nadhim Zahawi</i>: Business, never personal, Prime Minister. You do not have a functioning government. You have no government ministers.</p><p id="3c3b"><i>Me </i>[nudging fly]: Some might say even with ministers they weren’t a functioning government.</p><p id="9a5e"><i>Fly</i>: Sorry. I don’t understand.</p><p id="289d"><b>12.30pm, Thursday 7th July.</b></p><p id="b86f"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: ….I know that even if things can sometimes seem dark now, our future together is golden.</p><p id="e049"><i>Fly</i>: Liar!</p> <figure id="2191"> <div> <div> <img class="ratio" src="http://placehold.it/16x9"> <iframe class="" src="https://cdn.embedly.com/widgets/media.html?src=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fembed%2FP3cffdsEXXw%3Ffeature%3Doembed&amp;display_name=YouTube&amp;url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DP3cffdsEXXw&amp;image=https%3A%2F%2Fi.ytimg.com%2Fvi%2FP3cffdsEXXw%2Fhqdefault.jpg&amp;key=a19fcc184b9711e1b4764040d3dc5c07&amp;type=text%2Fhtml&amp;schema=youtube" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="480" width="854"> </div> </div> </figure></iframe></div></div></figure><p id="9ec8">…………………………………………………………………………………………………</p><div id="77ab" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/partygate-fine-93ccbf04e092"> <div> <div> <h2>Boris Johnson. 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Boris Johnson. Downfall. Inside Johnson’s Bunker.

Photo: Andrew Parsons/i-Images. Boris Johnson writes a resignation letter. Finally on top of his brief.

Today The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Boris Johnson, a man so posh that he thinks “grope” were the name of his cook when he were a child, resigned after a mutiny in his party.

As that great actor Kenneth Williams said in the critically acclaimed historical documentary Carry On Cleo, “Infamy…Infamy…..they’ve all got it in for me!”

So what were it like in Downing Street when the shit went down? I believe that’s the technical term.

Well there’s that famous saying, “Oh to be a fly on the wall.” Well luckily for you, I was, so you didn’t have to be.

Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….

Yo that’s fly.

Late afternoon, Tuesday 5th July

Me: Ay up. Mind if I join you up here on the wall?

Fly: Be my guest.

Me: I suppose you come here often. ‘Us’ round shit.

Fly: Sorry. I don’t understand.

Me: Flies rou….

[knock at door]

Downing Street aide: Sorry Prime Minister, he insisted

Sajid Javid, Secretary of State for Health and Social Care: Boris. We need to talk.

Boris Johnson: Rishi my man. What can I do for you?

Sajid Javid: I’m Sajid. Anyway, I have a letter to read out. It is with deep sadness that I am writing to you to resign from the Government….

[minutes later]

Boris Johnson: Sorry old boy I dozed off. Why are you resigning?

Sajid Javid: I can’t do this anymore. You need to go.

Boris Johnson: I have a colossal mandate!

Me: By the way, he’s not talking about his cock.

Fly: Sorry. I don’t understand.

Mid morning, Wednesday 6th July

[knock at door]

Downing Street Aide: Victoria Atkins to see you Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson: Which one’s she?

Downing Street Aide: Justice.

Boris Johnson: Jus what?

Victoria Atkins, Justice Minister: Prime Minister. I can no longer pirouette around our fractured values.

Boris Johnson: Ukraine, Ukraine, Ukraine, Ukraine, Ukraine….

Victoria Atkins: We must….

Boris Johnson: Don’t interrupt! Ukraine, Ukraine, Ukraine, Ukraine, Ukraine. Ukraine. Now fuck off.

Carrie Johnson, wife of Boris Johnson: Well at least you tried eh love.

Late afternoon, Wednesday 6th July

Boris Johnson: Hello. Job Centre Plus? I have some vacancies I would like to advertise. Cabinet ministers wanted. Experience preferred but….

[knock at door]

Downing Street Aide: Grant Shapps to see you Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson [before putting phone down]: Actually forget it. I’ll fill the vacancies easily.

Grant Shapps, Secretary of State for Transport: Boris….

Boris Johnson: Call me Prime Minister!

Grant Shapps: Prime Minister Boris, I have been very loyal to you….

Boris Johnson: Only because you’re an idiot.

Grant Shapps: [sniffs] I can’t believe you said that….

[door bursts open]

Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Wassup bitches!

Boris Johnson: Michael bloody Gove.

Michael Gove: De Pfeffel. Perhaps you should consider your position.

Boris Johnson: Don’t call me that!

Michael Gove: Well, de Pfeffel, it is your name.

Boris Johnson: Do not call me that. Everyone calls me Boris.

Grant Shapps: You said….

Boris Johnson: Shut up.

Michael Gove: De Pfeffel, the writing’s on the wall. Look! [points to freshly sprayed “You’re fucked” on wall]

Boris Johnson: You’re fired!

Michael Gove: No. You’re fired. De Pfeffel.

Boris Johnson: Get out!

Grant Shapps: I’ll just go then….

Boris Johnson: That Gove is a shower. An absolute shower.

1st Downing Street Aide: [whispering] Is that the quote we release to the media?

2nd Downing Street Aide [whispering] No one will understand it. Call him a snake.

Late evening, Wednesday 6th July.

[door bursts open]

Priti Patel, Home Secretary: Have you fucking heard?

Boris Johnson: Yes Priti, I know about the resignations.

Priti Patel: Fuck that! Braverman! Braverman! The fucking Attorney General for England and Wales!

[Boris Johnson whispers to Aide] is that the Asian one?

Priti Patel: She said, “I would like to be the next Prime Minister.” I’m the fucking Asian! Me! I’m the fucking Asian woman!

Boris Johnson: Not now Priti, it’s a bad time.

Priti Patel: A bad time? A bad time? Why, because people don’t like you anymore? Nobody loves Boris anymore? Boris got done. Poor poor didums.

Boris Johnson: You really are a bully aren’t you?

Priti Patel: [puts Boris Johnson in a headlock] Take that back!

Photo: Aaron Chown/WPA Pool/Getty Images. Boris Johnson. Back on JSA.

Early morning, Thursday 7th July.

[door bursts open]

Boris Johnson: Gove?!? What the fuck are you doing here? I sacked you last night.

Michael Gove: Are you sure de Pfeffel?

Boris Johnson: Yes!

Michael Gove: Define ‘sacked’ de Pfeffel.

Boris Johnson: Get out! Get out!

Downing Street Aide: I feel I should point out Prime Minister that with Mr Gove’s sacking and subsequent resignations there is no one running the Department of Levelling Up. Levelling Up is your flagship policy.

Boris Johnson: Let them eat gateau.

Mid morning, Thursday 7th July.

[knock at door]

Downing Street Aide: Nadhim Zahawi to see you Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson: Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.

Nadhim Zahawi, Chancellor of the Exchequer: I think you should consider your position Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson: Et tu, Brute.

Nadhim Zahawi: It’s Nadhim.

Boris Johnson: Wait. Didn’t I just make you Chancellor of the Exchequer?

Nadhim Zahawi Yes.

Boris Johnson: This is how you repay me?

Nadhim Zahawi: Business, never personal, Prime Minister. You do not have a functioning government. You have no government ministers.

Me [nudging fly]: Some might say even with ministers they weren’t a functioning government.

Fly: Sorry. I don’t understand.

12.30pm, Thursday 7th July.

Boris Johnson: ….I know that even if things can sometimes seem dark now, our future together is golden.

Fly: Liar!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

Boris Johnson
UK Politics
UK
Prime Minister
Government
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