avatarFatchecker

Free AI web copilot to create summaries, insights and extended knowledge, download it at here

7370

Abstract

ber.</b></p><p id="8b11"><i>Me</i>: [nudging fly] Tomorrow Boris Johnson will “Get exit done.”</p><p id="3226"><i>Fly</i>: Sorry, I don’t understand.</p><p id="0bd9">[knock at door]</p><p id="eb2f"><i>2nd Downing Street Aide</i>: Priti Patel<i> </i>to see you Prime Minister.</p><p id="b95d"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: [whispering to himself] OK…. It’ll be alright.</p><p id="daaf"><i>Priti Patel, Home Secretary</i>: Johnson.</p><p id="944f"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: No hard feelings Priti?</p><p id="eaed"><i>Priti Patel</i>: Not at all. Give us your hand. I’ve a present for you.</p><p id="35d1"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: You’re not going to hit me with a ruler are you?</p><p id="197c"><i>Priti Patel</i>: You’re not at boarding school now Johnson. Hand.</p><p id="18a1">[<a href="https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Chinese_burn">gives Boris Johnson a Chinese Burn</a>]</p><p id="0bb9"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Why do you treat me so horrendously?</p><p id="4d95"><i>Priti Patel</i>: Perhaps I’m a product of my environment?</p><p id="fcc1"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Is the Home Office really that bad?</p><p id="c38e"><i>Priti Patel</i>: Idiot.</p><figure id="2b3c"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*lKUFbGblhNSiqc-cqVUuhA.jpeg"><figcaption>Photo: UK Government. <b>Grant Shapps. Puts the ‘ill’ into brilliant.</b></figcaption></figure><p id="dd35"><b>Early evening, Monday 5th September.</b></p><p id="83dd"><i>Boris Johnson </i>[on phone]: ….Yes Joe, I know you’re leader of the free world but Zelenskyy and the rest of The Ukraine…. [“Ukraine!” can be heard coming from the phone] …. Whatever. They all think I’m fucking awesome. 44 million Slavs can’t be wrong.</p><p id="544e">[knock at door]</p><p id="7a68"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Anyway, must toodle pip, my pizzas arrived.</p><p id="d7c3"><i>Grant Shapps, Secretary of State for Transport</i>: Afternoon, I mean evening Boris….</p><p id="f2e2"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Prime Minister! No pizza then Shapps?</p><p id="edb1"><i>Grant Shapps</i>: No pee….?</p><p id="eb0d"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Spit it out Shapps!</p><p id="1b15"><i>Grant Shapps</i>: I just wanted to say It’s been a pleasure working with you Prime Minister Boris….</p><p id="bbc3"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: ‘For’!</p><p id="d4b0"><i>Grant Shapps</i>:<i> </i>Sorry. For I just wanted to say It’s been a pleasure working with you Prime Minister Boris.</p><p id="8510"><i>Boris Johnson </i>[sighing]: Anything else Shapps?</p><p id="d15a"><i>Grant Shapps</i>: Er yes, the good lady and I got you a little something.</p><p id="d108">[Boris Johnson shakes wrapped gift then tosses it in the waste paper basket]</p><p id="5650"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: You’re right Shapps. It is a little something.</p><p id="db34">[door bursts open]</p><p id="b98c"><i>Michael Gove</i>: The sun has got his hat on hip-hip-hip hooray, the sun has got his hat on and he’s coming out today.</p><p id="e0d9"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Michael bloody Gove. What the fuck do you want?</p><p id="364f"><i>Grant Shapps</i>: I’ll just go then…. Transport to sort out.</p><p id="a1fc"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Shapps, you do realise you will no longer be Transport Secretary don’t you?</p><p id="19f2"><i>Grant Shapps</i>: Are you sure Prime Minister Boris?</p><p id="9b18"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Close the door behind you Shapps.</p><p id="8256"><i>Michael Gove</i>: I see your people skills are still unrivalled De Pfeffel.</p><p id="e717"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: What is it Gove?</p><p id="1158"><i>Michael Gove</i>: I came to see how you were coping De Pfeffel. I would offer to help you pack, but it would be a pointless exercise, as once you leave the protective ring provided by Downing St, you will immediately be dragged into Hades.</p><p id="c9c2"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Dunderheid.</p><p id="6383"><i>Michael Gove</i>: Your political hero is Winston Churchill De Pfeffel. However if this were the Second World War the removal men would be Hitler and Goebbels with the legal documents for the unconditional surrender of the UK.</p><p id="3731"><i>Boris Johnson</i>: Ah ha my Scotch chum. You forget Churchill made a comeback. Like Arnold said in Terminator, “I shall return.”</p><p id="05a7"><i>Michael Gove</i>: De Pfeffel, you’re lack of attention to detail is truly impressive.</p><figure id="43b2"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*zod3CNOSmUesyTTikkEU-w.jpeg"><figcaption>Photo: Micha Theiner/VISUM/Redux. <b>Boris Johnson. Still can’t understand why he’s no longer Prime Minister.</b></figcaption></figure><p id="fe87">…………………………………………………………………………………………………</p><p id="ee40"><b>The ‘Boris Johnson’s’:</b></p><div id="b532" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/partygate-fine-93ccbf04e092"> <div> <div> <h2>Boris Johnson. Partygate? Fine.</h2> <div><h3>The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Boris Johnson, a man so posh that he uses the war in Ukraine to keep his job…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*hy7Sky-xGKwQH8jSfCb2CA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="45d1" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/boris-johnsons-partygate-a-witness-for-the-prosecution-b3ef4b3bf852"> <div> <div> <h2>Boris Johnson’s Partygate. A Witness For The Prosecution?</h2> <div><h3>Yesterday The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Boris Johnson, a man so posh that when he enters a room the first…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*69tjK_n8tFILXCOU6SpKQg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="7169" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/boris-johnson-downfall-inside-johnsons-bunker-dce4fd2129c8"> <div> <div> <h2>Boris Johnson. Downfall. Inside Johnson’s Bunker.</h2> <div><h3>Today The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Boris Johnson, a man so posh that he thinks “grope” were the name of his…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*feBKVkfcZL4JEHbY5S7ByA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="351f" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/boris-johnson-10-squatter-5ecd512175c5"> <div> <div> <h2>Boris Johnson. №10 Squatter.</h2> <div><h3>Yesterday nominations closed in the race to replace The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Boris Johnson, a man so…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*D2nhbYcBZwETKN0mZ9y5aA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="ca64">……………………

Options

……………………………………………………………………………</p><div id="cb53" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-boris-johnsons-starred-936101fd8ec2"> <div> <div> <h2>The ‘Boris Johnson’s’ starred:</h2> <div><h3>Terry-Thomas as Boris Johnson.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*3fMLhDzuZNQLb3qw4bDg4g.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="711f">…………………………………………………………………………………………………</p><div id="9e76" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/liz-truss-all-trussed-up-f29eab1d6c7e"> <div> <div> <h2>Liz Truss. All Trussed Up And Nowhere To Go?</h2> <div><h3>This afternoon Liz Truss, who is superficially Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, and a woman so radical she’s…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*wECAq04U_uBvIYEyAyqySQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="015a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/liz-truss-a-big-truss-for-nothing-3305518fce52"> <div> <div> <h2>Liz Truss. A Big Truss For Nothing.</h2> <div><h3>This afternoon, Liz Truss proved she was indeed superficially Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, and resigned. She…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*pdhMHPN3DB98akeUcTRUOA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="c527" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/boris-johnson-public-dancer-f64032bd7887"> <div> <div> <h2>Boris Johnson. Public Dancer. The Final Final Chapter.</h2> <div><h3>This afternoon Richy Sunak, a man so rich that….whoa, mad naming skills. Anyway, this afternoon Richy Sunak was…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*7ZmQLRTNPTjcq86X_u28iw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="ec16" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/rishi-sunak-a-nightmare-in-downing-street-dbb64f542950"> <div> <div> <h2>Rishi Sunak. A Nightmare In Downing Street?</h2> <div><h3>Last week, Richy, sorry, Rishi Sunak, became Emperor of India and the British Empire, sorry, the Prime Minister of the…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*60VHsKxkXRTEtNMO98qKwA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="c406" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/richy-sunak-suknackered-8c442bcc8743"> <div> <div> <h2>Richy Sunak. SuKnackered.</h2> <div><h3>The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch, he thinks the minimum wage is a small…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*VcCB23xtnNwMKlnqZwAJXQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="eccf" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/richy-sunak-mini-cabinet-kerfuffle-d6402f62fd6a"> <div> <div> <h2>Richy Sunak. (Mini) Cabinet Kerfuffle.</h2> <div><h3>The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch, he thinks a credit union is another bunch…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*Lt8bVkEbUJevwzAQFJnRpA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="03fe" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/richy-sunak-cant-seem-to-budge-it-598b78cf78a"> <div> <div> <h2>Richy Sunak Can’t Seem To Budge It</h2> <div><h3>Last week, The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch, he thinks a bag of chips after…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*c4Ko9r41ofl7bUfDrv3Luw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="6bcb" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/richy-sunak-antisocial-behaviour-44213eae2456"> <div> <div> <h2>Richy Sunak. Antisocial Behaviour.</h2> <div><h3>Yesterday, The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch, he thinks a public swimming…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*UV4JWjMreuIoR31ckkE55A.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="1523" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/richy-sunak-raab-see-exit-622d7404d67"> <div> <div> <h2>Richy Sunak. Raab See Exit.</h2> <div><h3>Yesterday, The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch, he thinks an energy crisis is…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*wNoDYI12UdyFDc50mpT07Q.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="e3e6" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/richy-sunak-more-antisocial-behaviour-6b0dd5432083"> <div> <div> <h2>Richy Sunak. More, Antisocial Behaviour.</h2> <div><h3>Last Friday, The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch he thinks a January Sale is a…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*dgUTB5nbrIJAWdB7SxEn4A.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Boris Johnson. Exit Stage Hard Right.

Image: BBC. Boris Johnson waves his greatest achievement, having written “I must do better” 10,000 times.

Yesterday Liz Truss, a woman so radical she’s on Instagram, was elected new Leader of the Conservative Party, and today she is the 56th Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Truss is the UK’s third female Prime Minister. So once again that’s sexism sorted innit.

According to YouGov only 12% of Britons expect that Truss will be a great or good Prime Minister, with half (52%) expecting her to be poor or terrible. Yet she’s Prime Minister and you ain’t.

The outgoing (well he does like a soirée) Prime Minister Boris Johnson is a man so posh that in the middle of a cost of living crisis, where people right now have to choose between “eating and heating,” he announced a new project to build a nuclear power plant that will be ready in 2030.

He is also so posh that back in July he thought ‘government preparedness’ for the Heatwave were having his Chequers ‘leaving do’ early to avoid the July Heatwave. Chequers is the country house of the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom by the way.

So what is Boris Johnson’s legacy? Well apart from the culture of blaming absolutely everything on President Putin, he was the first world leader to contract Covid-19, and he was the first Prime Minister to have (officially been found to have) broken the law, after receiving a fixed penalty notice for the Downing Street lockdown parties.

“World beating.”

I know what you’re thinking, and not just because I’m telepathetic, you’re thinking what were it like in Downing Street on the final day of Boris Johnson’s Premiership?

There’s that famous saying again, “Oh to be a fly on the wall.” Luckily for you, one more time, I was, so you didn’t have to be.

Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….

F, L, Y, why why? Fly fly, yo that’s fly.

Early morning, Monday 5th September.

Me: ….OK. So, I’ll try this again. We’re flies, this is Downing St…

Fly: My girlfriend says there’s no point if you’ve got to explain it.

Me: You’ve got a girlfriend?

Boris Johnson [muttering]: ….Mmm…. Migrant crossings kept going up. Maybe I should’ve moved that none existent border in the Irish Sea to the English Channel?

[knock at door]

Photo: UK Government: Liz Truss. Happy to still have a decent job.

1st Downing Street Aide: Liz Truss to see you Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson: Mirrors!

1st Downing Street Aide: Yes, Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson: So Mary Elizabeth, the polls predict that you will be my heir.

Liz Truss, Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs of the United Kingdom: Well It ain’t over till the fat lady sings.

Boris Johnson: I would call you many things Mary Elizabeth, but overweight is not one of them.

Liz Truss: Oh….Kay….

Boris Johnson: I suppose congratulations would be in order….

Liz Truss: Thank-you Bo….

Boris Johnson: Don’t interrupt! Congratulations would be in order, but you can fucking whistle.

Liz Truss: That’s not very gentlemanly. I don’t wish to part under a dark cloud.

Boris Johnson: How about as a parting shot I start a rumour that you were once under me. Literally.

Liz Truss: You really are a fucking scumbag aren’t you?

Boris Johnson: Steady on old chap. No need to get abusive.

Liz Truss: Remember I grew up in Paisley and Leeds. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t fuck you up right now?

Boris Johnson: I….I…I can put you in the House of Lords.

Liz Truss: I’m going to be crowned fucking Prime Minister you….

[door bursts open]

Photo: Reuters Michael Gove, “I smell shite.”

Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: I came in the door, I said it before, I never let the mic magnetize me no more.

Boris Johnson: Michael bloody Gove. Just the person!

Michael Gove: Really De Pfeffel?

Boris Johnson: Yes yes. Mary Elizabeth was just leaving.

Liz Truss: Yes….I was just leaving. I’ll see you at Balmoral Boris.

Michael Gove: Bye Hen.

[door closes]

Michael Gove: Is there something going on between the two of you De Pfeffel?

Boris Johnson: Don’t be ridiculous

Michael Gove: No De Pfeffel. Ridiculous was getting the virus you advised the public how not to get.

Boris Johnson: Balmoral. Why on earth do I need to fly to the Whiskey soaked badlands you call home just to hand over the baton?

Michael Gove: No one would say “baton” in this situation De Pfeffel. Besides, you do realise The Queen is 96 years old?

Boris Johnson: Your point is exactly what Gove?

Michael Gove: I’ve been meaning to ask you De Pfeffel, I was perplexed as to why you talked of “the herd” in your original resignation speech….

Boris Johnson: I did not resign!

Michael Gove: Calm down dear. Returning to my point De Pfeffel. You are the only stupid cow I know.

Boris Johnson: Nincompoop.

Michael Gove: You know there’s that famous quote? “All political lives, unless they are cut off in midstream at a happy juncture, end in failure, because that is the nature of politics and of human affairs.“ I think you and Enoch could have been soul mates de Pfeffel.

Boris Johnson: You are welcome to leave immediately Gove.

Michael Gove: De Pfeffel, the writing was always on the wall. Look! [points to freshly sprayed “You should’ve fucked off immediately” on wall]

Boris Johnson: Get out!

Photo: Reuters. Priti Patel. “Look both ways before you cross me.”

Mid afternoon, Monday 5th September.

Me: [nudging fly] Tomorrow Boris Johnson will “Get exit done.”

Fly: Sorry, I don’t understand.

[knock at door]

2nd Downing Street Aide: Priti Patel to see you Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson: [whispering to himself] OK…. It’ll be alright.

Priti Patel, Home Secretary: Johnson.

Boris Johnson: No hard feelings Priti?

Priti Patel: Not at all. Give us your hand. I’ve a present for you.

Boris Johnson: You’re not going to hit me with a ruler are you?

Priti Patel: You’re not at boarding school now Johnson. Hand.

[gives Boris Johnson a Chinese Burn]

Boris Johnson: Why do you treat me so horrendously?

Priti Patel: Perhaps I’m a product of my environment?

Boris Johnson: Is the Home Office really that bad?

Priti Patel: Idiot.

Photo: UK Government. Grant Shapps. Puts the ‘ill’ into brilliant.

Early evening, Monday 5th September.

Boris Johnson [on phone]: ….Yes Joe, I know you’re leader of the free world but Zelenskyy and the rest of The Ukraine…. [“Ukraine!” can be heard coming from the phone] …. Whatever. They all think I’m fucking awesome. 44 million Slavs can’t be wrong.

[knock at door]

Boris Johnson: Anyway, must toodle pip, my pizzas arrived.

Grant Shapps, Secretary of State for Transport: Afternoon, I mean evening Boris….

Boris Johnson: Prime Minister! No pizza then Shapps?

Grant Shapps: No pee….?

Boris Johnson: Spit it out Shapps!

Grant Shapps: I just wanted to say It’s been a pleasure working with you Prime Minister Boris….

Boris Johnson: ‘For’!

Grant Shapps: Sorry. For I just wanted to say It’s been a pleasure working with you Prime Minister Boris.

Boris Johnson [sighing]: Anything else Shapps?

Grant Shapps: Er yes, the good lady and I got you a little something.

[Boris Johnson shakes wrapped gift then tosses it in the waste paper basket]

Boris Johnson: You’re right Shapps. It is a little something.

[door bursts open]

Michael Gove: The sun has got his hat on hip-hip-hip hooray, the sun has got his hat on and he’s coming out today.

Boris Johnson: Michael bloody Gove. What the fuck do you want?

Grant Shapps: I’ll just go then…. Transport to sort out.

Boris Johnson: Shapps, you do realise you will no longer be Transport Secretary don’t you?

Grant Shapps: Are you sure Prime Minister Boris?

Boris Johnson: Close the door behind you Shapps.

Michael Gove: I see your people skills are still unrivalled De Pfeffel.

Boris Johnson: What is it Gove?

Michael Gove: I came to see how you were coping De Pfeffel. I would offer to help you pack, but it would be a pointless exercise, as once you leave the protective ring provided by Downing St, you will immediately be dragged into Hades.

Boris Johnson: Dunderheid.

Michael Gove: Your political hero is Winston Churchill De Pfeffel. However if this were the Second World War the removal men would be Hitler and Goebbels with the legal documents for the unconditional surrender of the UK.

Boris Johnson: Ah ha my Scotch chum. You forget Churchill made a comeback. Like Arnold said in Terminator, “I shall return.”

Michael Gove: De Pfeffel, you’re lack of attention to detail is truly impressive.

Photo: Micha Theiner/VISUM/Redux. Boris Johnson. Still can’t understand why he’s no longer Prime Minister.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

The ‘Boris Johnson’s’:

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

UK Politics
Boris Johnson
UK
Conservatives
Politics
Recommended from ReadMedium