Boris Johnson. Public Dancer. The Final Final Chapter.

This afternoon Richy Sunak, a man so rich that….whoa, mad naming skills. Anyway, this afternoon Richy Sunak was coronated, like a US chicken, the new Leader of the Conservative Party and therefore the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in probably the world’s shortest ‘next leader of the country’ contest.

Nicola Sturgeon, the First Minister of Scotland, a woman so collaborative that every time she opens her mouth the word “Independence” comes out, congratulated Mr Sunak on Twitter whilst adding, “That he becomes the first British Asian — indeed the first from any minority ethnic background — to become PM is a genuinely significant moment. It certainly makes this a special Diwali.” So that’s racism sorted innit.

Ms Sturgeon quickly corrected herself, as it turns out some bloke called Benjamin Disraeli was in fact the first person from a minority ethnic background to become Prime Minister. Fancy that. Something on Twitter being incorrect.

Mr Sunak was the only valid nomination in the race to replace Liz Truss. In case you didn’t’ know, Liz Truss was yet another Conservative Party Prime Minister who had to resign.

The Trussonomics legacy seems to have made folks who traditionally hated the idea of governments being in bed with the Markets, suddenly to become fans of the Markets because they didn’t want to get in bed with Trussonomics. Economists huh?

Due to ‘The Conservative Party Crisis’ we have regularly seen Tory MPs popping up and saying, “It’s been a tough few days.” Presumably the bit when they add, “….however, our problems are nothing compared to members of the UK population who have to choose between heating and eating,” has been edited out by the left wing media. Compassionate Conservatism never gets the publicity it richly (pun intended) deserves.

With the famous quote, “Divided parties can’t govern,” buzzing around, there is much talk of the need for party unity. Yet they’re the government and you ain’t.

Over the weekend the mainstream media wanked themselves silly over the ‘Bring Back Boris’ story. In case you didn’t’ know, Boris Johnson was the other Conservative Party Prime Minister who had to resign. The masturbation was for nothing as Mr Johnson dropped out of the race quicker than a clown falling out of one of those wee clown cars.

Many Tories who publically backed Boris Johnson switched and then backed Richy Sunak. Say what you like about the Tories, but they are at least consistent….ly two-faced.

“Give us a fly on the wall at Boris Johnson’s campaign headquarters for fuck’s sake,” I hear you say. Ok, but only because you asked nicely.

Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….

Early afternoon, Saturday 22nd October.

Me: Allow me to introduce myself…

Fly: Shush….

Boris Johnson: I do not want any visitors today.

1st Campaign Advisor: Yes, future Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson: Actually, you can let Lee Anderson in. That former miner worships the ground I walk on. Anyway, I have phone calls to make.

1st Campaign Advisor: Yes, future Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson: Hi it’s Boris. You’re on speakerphone. As you may know I’m thinking of running again. Can I count on your nomination?

Conservative MP: Why should I support you?

Boris Johnson: I win elections. £80,000 a year, plus expenses.

Conservative MP: Fair play.

Boris Johnson: Nailed it.

[puts phone down]

Mid afternoon, Saturday 22nd October.

Boris Johnson: Hi it’s Boris. You’re on speakerphone. I’m thinking of running. Can I count on your nomination?

Conservative MP: Why should I support you?

Boris Johnson: I got the big calls right. I got Brexit done.

Conservative MP: Is Brexit done?

Boris Johnson: Remoaner.

[slams phone down]

Mid to late afternoon, Saturday 22nd October.

Boris Johnson: Hi it’s Boris. You’re on speakerphone. I’m making a comeback. Can I count on your nomination?

Conservative MP: Me support you? Why?

Boris Johnson: I got the big calls right. Covid.

Conservative MP: So why’s there a UK Covid-19 Inquiry?

Boris Johnson: Anti-Vaxxer.

[slams phone down]

Late afternoon, Saturday 22nd October.

Boris Johnson: Hi it’s Boris. You’re on speakerphone. I’m back. Can I count on your nomination?

Conservative MP: I beg your pardon?

Boris Johnson: I got the big calls right. Ukraine

Conservative MP: Well it’s not like we wouldn’t have supported them is it?

Boris Johnson: Putin apologist.

[slams phone down]

Me: It’s going about as well as a Liz Truss press conference.

Fly: Obscure political reference.

Early Evening, Saturday 22nd October

Boris Johnson [watching news]: ….That Mordaunt is an absolute bloody buffoon. Pure style over substance.

[phone plays ‘Dead Man’s Chest (Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of Rum)’]

Boris Johnson: Penny, what a coincidence. I was just saying you’re one of the few politicians I respect.

Penny Mordaunt, Leader of the House of Commons: You rang Johnson?

Boris Johnson: Call me Boris.

Penny Mordaunt: You rang Johnson?

Boris Johnson: So Pen, I think we should come together in the national interest, and you should drop out of the race.

Penny Mordaunt: Explain to me exactly why I should step aside for you Johnson?

Boris Johnson: Glad to….

[5 minutes later]

Boris Johnson: ….plus those Ukrainians think I’m absolutely fucking awesome.

[Penny Mordaunt ends call]

Boris Johnson: Hello?!? Hello?!? The line’s gone dead.

Me: Like his comeback.

Fly: Whatever.

[phone plays ‘Mundian To Bach Ke’ by Panjabi MC]

Boris Johnson: Sunak my man. We need to meet.

Rishi Sunak: Why?

Boris Johnson: I have cleared the very high hurdle of 102 nominations

Rishi Sunak: You’ve made that up!

Boris Johnson: I have not! We’ll meet on neutral ground. The Bullingdon Club clubhouse.

Rishi Sunak: No. You can come to my campaign headquarters.

Boris Johnson: Actually, you know what? How about I see you at your HQ?

Rishi Sunak: I just…

Boris Johnson: See you tonight.

Me: Have wings. Must fly.

Fly: That’s stating the obvious.

Late Evening, Saturday 23rd October

Me: You got here quick.

Fly: We’ve never met before. Don’t be fly-ist.

Boris Johnson: Sunak my man. Er, shouldn’t the cleaner leave so we can discuss things in private?

Rishi Sunak: That’s Akshata Murty. My wife.

Boris Johnson: Really? Well, in my defence….

Rishi Sunak: Stop digging Johnson. Cut to the chase.

Boris Johnson: There is a very good chance that I would be successful in this election with Conservative Party members. I suggest we come together in the national interest.

Rishi Sunak: How?

Boris Johnson: We make a Blair/Brown pact.

Rishi Sunak: Blair/Brown what now?

Boris Johnson [mutters]: Fucking millennials. OK. You make me Chancellor of the Exchequer….

Akshata Murty [speaking in Hindi]: This clown would make Kwasi Kwarteng look fiscally responsible.

Boris Johnson: Don’t interrupt! I’m not finished. What did your good lady say?

Rishi Sunak: She’s wondering how long this will take. Diwali celebrations to prepare.

Boris Johnson: Anyway, as I was saying, you make me Chancellor of the Exchequer and then step aside at the next general election and I become Prime Minister.

[silence]

Boris Johnson: Well?

Rishi Sunak: Oh sorry, I thought you were joking. Why would I agree to that? I’m very popular. Look at the polls.

Boris Johnson: The only Poles I’m interested in are the ones that fit kitchens….

Rishi Sunak: You….

Boris Johnson: Don’t interrupt! I’ve not finished. ….cheaply.

Rishi Sunak: How badly do you want us to make a deal? How badly? ….Dance for me.

Boris Johnson: I beg your pardon?

Rishi Sunak: If you want us to make a deal, dance for me.

Boris Johnson: I have no intention whatsoever of cutting any kind of rug for you Sunak.

Rishi Sunak: So why are you winding your waist?

Boris Johnson [dancing]: I am not winding anything.

Rishi Sunak: You are now clearly Twerking.

Boris Johnson [dancing]: Twerk what-ing?!?

Rishi Sunak: Is that supposed to be Crunking? Or are you having some kind of seizure?

Boris Johnson [dancing]: I am not cutting a rug. [stamps foot] This rug is not being cut.

Rishi Sunak: I think you’re gaslighting yourself.

Boris Johnson [stops dancing]: Don’t you dare Woke me!

Rishi Sunak: You need to face reality Johnson.

Boris Johnson: The reality Sunak is that I’m Boris fucking Johnson. Boris fucking Johnson! They all fucking adore Boris!

Rishi Sunak: Close the door behind you Johnson.

Late Evening, Sunday 23rd October

Me: To quote Johnson’s favourite politician, Churchill, “Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

Fly: What does that even mean?

Boris Johnson [mutters to self]: Brexit. Covid. Ukraine. Brexit. Covid. Ukraine. It’ll be ok Boris….

[door bursts open]

Michael Gove: But who told you to front and flaunt your grip? You can’t buy no relationship. You played yourself… Yo, homeboy, you played yourself…

Boris Johnson: Michael fucking Gove.

Michael Gove: De Pfeffel, the writing’s….

Boris Johnson: I know! On the wall. Where have you sprayed your graffiti this time Gove?

Michael Gove: As your Baby Mothers can testify De Pfeffel, you are premature. The writing is in fact ‘on’ the street. There are protestors outside.

Boris Johnson: Why on earth should I bother myself with the Guardian-reading, tofu-eating wokerati?

Michael Gove: They have a banner De Pfeffel.

Boris Johnson: A banner?

[looks out window]

Boris Johnson [reading banner]: “Michael Gove says You Fucking Loser.”

1st Campaign Advisor [whispers whilst giggling]: Classic Gove.

Boris Johnson: You think this is funny? Funny how?

Carrie Johnson, Boris Johnson’s wife [stroking Boris Johnson’s hair]: There there dear. Like the UK public, they’re laughing with you, not laughing at you.

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Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.

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‘Prequels’:

‘Sequels’:

The ‘Boris Johnson’s’: