Liz Truss. A Big Truss For Nothing.
This afternoon, Liz Truss proved she was indeed superficially Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, and resigned. She was a woman so radical that she came, she saw, she conked out.
At 44 days Liz Truss is the shortest-serving Prime Minister in UK history.
“World beating.”
It’s October and the Tories will get their 3rd Prime Minister this year.
“World beating-er.”
The Tories plan to elect a new Prime Minister in 10 days.
What could possibly go wrong?
According to YouGov Liz Truss’s net favourability rating was -70. Yet she’s still Prime Minister, for another week or so, and you ain’t.
Sorry? What’s that? You wonder what it would be like to be a fly on the wall of Downing Street when the shit went down? Guess what? You’re in luck, because I was, so you didn’t have to be.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Mid Afternoon, Wednesday 19th October.
Me: ….Have I missed much?
Fly: They’ve been arguing for ages.
Me: Ooo, handbags at dawn.
Fly: Idiot.
Suella Braverman, Secretary of State for the Home Department: ….You’re shit!
[slams door]
Liz Truss: I know you are, but what am I? ….I thought Priti was bad. Rwanker!
[knock at door]
1st Downing Street Aide: Grant Shapps to see you Prime Minister.
Grant Shapps: Morning, I mean afternoon, Madam Prime Minister.
Liz Truss: Call me Liz.
Grant Shapps: Madam Prime Minister Liz. I have a spreadsheet…
Liz Truss: Fancy a job Grant?
Grant Shapps: Actually I just wanted to talk to you about my spreadsheet that predicts rebellions, but I suppose I am at a bit of a loose end. What role?
Liz Truss: Secretary of State.
Grant Shapps: Er….Suella?
Liz Truss: Resigned. She recognised how shit she was. So, interested?
Grant Shapps: Permanent?
Liz Truss: No. Zero hours.
Grant Shapps: Secretary of State for the Home Department: Of course.
Late Afternoon, Wednesday 19th October.
Me: ….What do you think to fracking?
Fly: Like you I have no actual idea what it is.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy: I think we should make the fracking vote a vote of confidence.
Liz Truss: Really? Isn’t that a bit Owen Paterson? Getting the government involved in something no one likes?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Not at all. We need to send a clear message to our MPs that you need to put party first and constituents second. I think you will find that is the sort of democracy that makes the UK the envy of the world.
Liz Truss: Well I suppose you know best….
[door flies off hinges]
Liz Truss: Can you not do that Thérèse? Just open the door like normal people.
Thérèse Coffey, Secretary of State for Health and Social Care: You know how I roll Liz. If you don’t like it, take some antibiotics.
Liz Truss: What do you want? More money for the NHS?
Thérèse Coffey: No it’s far more important than that. 200 quid for cigars?!?
Liz Truss: Brexit Thérèse….
[knock at door]
1st Downing Street Aide: Boris Johnson has just rung me on my phone, Prime Minister. He said that you’re line is busy
Liz Truss: Oops. Flashing light.…. Hello. It’s OK Boris, you’re not on speakerphone.
Boris Johnson: L…
[Liz Truss slams down phone]
Late Evening, Wednesday 19th October.
Liz Truss [mutters to self]: “Make it a vote of confidence,” he said. Little Lord Fuckloroy….
[knock at door]
1st Downing Street Aide: Penny Mordaunt, Prime Minister.
Liz Truss: Don’t wanna talk about the vote!
Penny Mordaunt, Leader of the House of Commons: Why are you under the table?
Liz Truss: I’m not under the table.
Penny Mordaunt: You’re under the table.
Liz Truss: I’m not under the table [bangs on top of desk].
Penny Mordaunt: Are you sure?
Liz Truss [standing up]: Of course I’m sure. I’m clearly not under the table.
Penny Mordaunt: Really? So why would people think you hide under tables?
Liz Truss: Because in the House of Commons you were stupid enough to repeat what a member of the anti-growth coalition, a Labour MP, said.
Penny Mordaunt: So you’re not under the table then?
Liz Truss [waves hands]: No, I…. Wait, are you trying to gaslight me?
Penny Mordaunt: “Gaslight?” That’s very woke even for you Liz. Suella was right.
Liz Truss: Suella?!?! …What?!?!
[phone plays ‘We Are The Champions’ by Queen]
Liz Truss: Ooo it’s Kwas! I need to take this.
Penny Mordaunt: I shall leave you to your table…. You did vote didn’t’ you?
Liz Truss: Fuck! ….Kwas! Long time no hear! You’re on speakerphone.
Michael Gove: You start to sweat and fret, it gets hot, How’d you get into this spot? You played yourself… Yo, yo, you played yourself…
Liz Truss: Michael bloody Gove.
[chucks phone at wall]
[receives text alert]
Liz Truss: “Hi this is Kwasi. Gove stole my phone. Watch out. He might use it to r….” Oh for fucks sake!
[knock at door]
2nd Downing Street Aide: Prime Minister….
Liz Truss: Don’t tell me, someone’s sprayed, “You’re fucked” in the hallway?
2nd Downing Street Aide: No, Prime Minister. You’ve just received a telegram.
Liz Truss: Ooo, a telegram. I’ve never got one of those. Gis it here.
[rips open envelope]
Liz Truss: “Dear Mary Elizabeth Truss. You’re…” Fuck!
Early Afternoon, Thursday 13th October.
[knock at door]
2nd Downing Street Aide: Sir Graham Brady, Prime Minister.
Me: I bet it’s gonna be a “bottle of Guinness and a revolver.”
Fly: Whisky.
Me: No, I’m certain, it’s gonna be a “bottle of Guinness and a revolver.”
Fly: Idiot
Liz Truss: So what’s the mood of the party then Graham?
Sir Graham Brady, Chairman of the 1922 Committee: You taking the fucking piss?
Liz Truss: No. I trust you to tell me what it’s like out there amongst our Con-munity.
Sir Graham Brady: Imagine…. No, imagine… Sorry, I literally can’t think of an example that would do justice to what a shitstorm….
Liz Truss: Language Graham.
Sir Graham Brady: Apologies. A Storm of shit it is out there. You need to take decisive action Liz.
Liz Truss: OK…. I need to consult my personal advisor.
[walks over to wall]
Liz Truss: This mirror will do. Mirror mirror on the wall….
Sir Graham Brady: Liz. That’s a portrait of Margaret Thatcher.
Liz Truss: Fuck!
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The ‘Boris Johnson’s’: